At least it's better than the alternatives, right?
by idontknow1122
Summary: Reincarnation is a toss up, there's no telling what you'll get, but hey; better to come back as a human (even if is as the opposite gender and into a world filled to the brim with murder happy mercenaries) than as a tree or something. Look on the bright side, at least this means another shot at making your continued existence worthwhile. SI/OC
1. Intro

**Author's note:** Okay this is my first attempt at fanfiction, hopefully I'll get it right (keyword being hopefully). This came about after I read "Dreaming of sunshine" (by silver queen) and other SI fics (I seriously recommend reading dreaming of sunshine, it's amazing), watched "Blackadder goes forth" and played Tales from the borderlands, it started as a joke in my head but grew into this as time went on, so as you might expect this fic will not be particularly serious (intro notwithstanding) and may get fairly close to crack-fic territory at times but will still follow the major parts of canon the teams and their members will be the same, major events still happen and so on. Also, this SI is not based off myself and more off any random guy who just happens to have an engineering background. The first chapter is mostly to build the backstory and thus be relatively serious compared to the rest of it (emphasis on the word: relatively)

 **Disclaimer: It goes without saying; but I don't own Naruto nor anything else related to it, all rights to it are owned by Masashi Kishimoto.**

* * *

There are those who say that death is final and that there is nothing afterwards but oblivion, others say that there is a hereafter with paradise waiting for them and eternal damnation for those who they do not like or don't agree with them to the letter, there are also those who believe that those who die simply come back in another form to start over again with a surprisingly number of caveats related to said return. These are just three of many different theories we have related to what happens after death.

Those who have died would probably find out rather quickly (accompanied with either a smug sense of vindication or alternatively; horror), but will not be in any position to inform the rest of the populace of their discovery on account of not being alive.

This is, unfortunately the same position I find myself in and I can thusly say, for a fact; that it is not the first one, as I am still capable of conscious thought.

On the other hand, it may not be the second one either, as I do not see any sort of gate, pearly or otherwise nor do I feel any distinct change in temperature.

I will probably never figure it out until something actually happens, however I am not in any way feeling particularly optimistic, considering the depressingly long list of possibilities and their respective outcomes, some of which end with me getting eaten by some eldritch being barely within the confines of human imaging, and some end with me being forced to possess a tree for however long it takes for said tree to die.

I'm not entirely sure how I ended up like this, after all I am (or rather was) just your regular Joe everyman, with an utterly unremarkable background, an average family and home life, studied engineering in college and landed a safe and stable job designing farming equipment with aspirations that did not reach further than pulling a paycheck at the end of the month.

Despite remembering all that, I still can't quite remember what it was that did me in, all I know was that it involved a mildly amusing accident with a rubber duck and a bathrobe.

So here I am, waiting, the lack any sort of sensory input means the only thing I have is my own thoughts.

Perhaps the powers that be would accept a last minute convert?

Something tells me that metaphorically throwing myself at the feet of any theoretical greater power at this point of time would seem disingenuous at best and would almost certainly result in a very swift and very painful smiting. The best thing I can do is wait and hope that the powers that be are feeling generous, or at the very least (considering humanity's tendency to create faiths with deities that seem almost comical in their wrath and pettiness); less spiteful than usual. I now realize that perhaps insulting the powers that be while also being completely at their mercy may not have been a wise idea.

Maybe this is a form of purgatory where the dead are given time to reflect on their life and look back at what they left behi…

* * *

Suddenly there's shouting, screams of pain, some strange wet goop covering every inch of me, and something attached to what feels like my navel. Everything is a blur, I feel like I'm being pushed through a gap that is just wide enough to go through. Then I feel it; air, sweet, somewhat muggy, air. I guess it takes total depravation from any and all stimuli to make you truly appreciate something as simple as breathing.

The shouting and screaming continues (as does the squeezing), but it's all indistinct, I can't make out a single word let alone tell what anyone is saying, so I do the only thing I can do; call out.

All that came out was a wail.

Okay, that was only partially intentional.

This is not a pleasant experience, in any way, the shouting, screaming, crying and squeezing. This continued for a while until I feel what might be my feet dangling in mid-air. Then there's a strange sensation of something on my stomach near my navel and then something soft wraps around me.

Next thing I feel is warmth, something or perhaps; someone wraps their arms around me. The voices have calmed down, they sound relieved, happy even.

Of course, I am still very confused and at this point; severely frustrated as a result of said confusion, so I reacted the only way I could; cry, loudly. This time the voices reacted, they sounded like they were trying to soothe me, comfort me even, it's working.

This continued on until I'd calmed down a bit, started thinking properly again and started putting together everything I knew; I died, with the cause of death being a horrifying rubber duck and bathrobe related accident, and then…actually I'm still not sure what that was about but I don't want to dwell on it any further, for all I know was that might have been a brief stint in limbo. After that I was being pushed out of…

Well, now I feel like a bit of an idiot for not realizing it sooner.

Looks like all that talk of reincarnation was spot on after all, this answers one question but raises so many others, and the implications are as numerous as they are troubling, but for the moment I couldn't possibly care less. I am alive, and by the way things feel; human (or humanoid at least), sapient and I've got another shot at life. Nothing, and I mean nothing can ruin this day. Looks like the powers that be might not be quite as petty and spiteful as I thought they'd be. Might as well settle down, get comfortable and enjoy life.

It turns out my claim that this day could not be ruined was probably a bit too hasty, it was utterly ruined the moment I soiled myself and had to be cleaned up, one thing I noticed immediately was a notable absence of a certain organ (organs in this case) I'd grown used to in a previous life. I take it back, the powers that be are, in a word; jerks.

* * *

One year later

The past twelve months were fuzzy, like a dream of some sort, I can't remember much, yet somehow I just _know_ about my new home and family. I know we were a family of four mom, dad, my big sister (by about 5 years) Ayame, and me. Together, we were the Asakuras. It was strange, calling these people my family, after all; I still remembered my old (and much larger) family from my past life. But when someone cleans you up after you've relived yourself in a diaper for the umpteenth time, you begin to start appreciating them after a while.

Unfortunately, our family of four was, as of 8 months ago, a family of three, I can't remember much of her, nor what exactly happened to her, but we do have a picture of her in the house with a vase full of her favourite flowers next to it. I don't know the details but whenever I try to remember; it just makes me freeze and start crying.

I don't know how it all started, but somewhere along the line I managed to establish some control over my vocal chords and legs over the course of the year. That doesn't mean I can actually walk or talk properly yet, but I can blurt out simple words and slowly stumble around the place. Besides, even if I could speak properly, I'm still unfamiliar with the local language, it sounds similar to Japanese, but there was something…off about it, like it was a dialect or an offshoot of the Japanese language.

Again, I don't know how I figured it out, but I did manage to work out that my new name is; it's Ayano, Asakura Ayano. Something tells me they named me Ayano because they thought it'd be funny if their daughters have similar names.

Which brings me back to the "impromptu gender bender" I found myself subjected to. Well, that's just one of the things hidden in the figurative fine print when it comes to reincarnation; you never know what you'll get so it's best to just sit down, shut up and thank the universe you weren't reborn as a dung beetle or something. I've come to terms with it, for the most part. Yes it's weird and puberty will be infinitely more awkward the second time around, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Dad's a chef of some sort (a good one at that) and it turns out our house doubles as a noodle shop, of course, only the front section of the ground floor is used to cook and serve noodles, everything else is just used for regular housing.

It's been one year since I was born (again) and today marks my first (sort of) birthday, Ayame tried to explain what a birthday was, and of course I had to play along and act like I'd just learned some sort of earth shattering revelation, I wasn't exactly being very convincing, but then again; she's six, I doubt if she can even tell that I was pretending to be impressed.

As a way of introducing the village to me, dad decided to take the both of us on a grand tour, to teach me everything we needed to know about it. Ayame was…less than enthusiastic at the news, she already knew all about "Konoha" already and she certainly didn't need her mem…wait a minute "Konoha?" Yes it seems as though the village really is named Konoha, or more specifically "Konohagakure" okay, that is a very chilling coincidence, but I'm not going to jump to any conclusions. I mean, sure some of the customers were a collection of weirdos, the technology available is mind bogglingly anachronistic and a slew of other things I'm just beginning to realize seem rather out of place, but I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation somewhere.

* * *

Well, I am an Idiot, the evidence was being figuratively shoved in my face almost every day and I didn't even figure it out until I saw the giant stone heads on the mountainside, and even then I kept denying it, kept telling myself that it was impossible. I even told myself that maybe I was born into a cult of fanatical anime fans. Fanatical enough to form their own commune, make their own variation of the Japanese language, amass enough money to buy part of a mountain range and carve giant heads into said mountains. Somehow that seemed more plausible than the actual truth itself.

What finally convinced me to just accept the facts was the talk dad and Ayame had with one of the instructors at the academy. It was a simple thing, really, "how are the kids?", "how goes the job?" and so on, and then the conversation shifted to Ayame, she was around that age where most kids would enrol into the academy, and the instructor said it wouldn't hurt (much) to at least give it a try, that she might make an excellent kunoichi, but Ayame was set on inheriting the family business and according to her; "expanding it to every corner of the map and beyond" and then the conversation shifted to me, "How about you, little girl? Would you like to join us someday? Make your daddy proud?" somehow he took my expression of shock as approval and told dad to bring me here in a few years.

Now here I am shuffling along as dad drones on about the village while Ayame and I pretend to listen, I still can't believe it, but there was no denying it now; this is the Naruto universe, somehow I've been reincarnated, with memory of my past life, into a universe that was, until a year ago today; fictional.

There are so many questions, too many to count. All I can think is: "This is going throw me into an existential crisis, isn't it?"

* * *

 **Author's note:** Okay that's the first chapter, thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. I'd appreciate any sort of advice as I'd like to improve my writing. I couldn't exactly write in the jokes I wanted to into the prologue, but hopefully I can in future chapters (which I intend to have more "fun" with). Fun fact; Asakura is actually the family name of Teuchi's Japanese voice actor.


	2. A distinct lack of fun at the fair

**Author's note:** Okay, this is the second part of the backstory, the first half is more light-hearted, and the second half leans towards world building. Admittedly, I'm planning to keep this relatively level until after the part with the academy, after that, I'm planning for things to go off kilter rather quickly.

 **Disclaimer:** All rights to the series are owned by Masashi Kishimoto

* * *

As it turns out; yes, this would indeed send me into an existential crisis. Dad is still leading us through the village, Ayame isn't even pretending to be interested anymore, while I was just going through the implications.

Am I real?

Do I have free will?

What did I do to deserve this?

Was it because I accidentally fed chocolate to that puppy?

How was I supposed to know that stuff was poisonous to dogs?

Is this some sort of divine punishment for accidentally killing cute, fuzzy animals?

If so; what happens the people who club baby seals?

"By the way, I've got a surprise for the two of you, and I think you'll like it." Dad's voice snaps me out of that train of thought, shame; that was starting to get a little bit interesting, looks like I'll have to contemplate the fate of seal hunters some other time.

At the mention of a surprise, Ayame perks up "what is it?"

Dad chuckles, "I think you know exactly what it is, Ayame. Just don't ruin it for Ayano."

Ayame giggles and makes a zipping motion on her lips, looks like I'm not going to get anything from her.

After a short while we arrive at one of the village's clearings, or rather it would be a clearing if it wasn't full of stalls, booths, and rides. The sign nearby reads; "Annual winter solstice fair". Looks like my first birthday will be spent getting food poisoning, playing rigged games and getting traumatized by weirdos with honking noses. Oh joy.

* * *

One hour and seventeen minutes later

I am not having fun. At all.

So far, we've been on three rides; one smelled…strange, another broke down while we were on it, and another caught fire just as we were getting off. It goes without saying that dad wouldn't let us anywhere near the other rides after that last one, no big loss; the seats were sticky with what I'm going to pretend is melted candy.

Ayame has played no less than seven games; losing in five of them, having to stop halfway through another as the booth owner was caught rigging the game (last we saw of him he was being chased by an angry mob armed with pitchforks, torches and what I could of sworn looked like a length of rope), and winning in the very last one, which involved scooping out goldfish.

Unfortunately, said goldfish then proceeded to die within fifteen minutes of being carried about, the fact she was practically bouncing with excitement at having won a new pet (which she named; "Fishy") was probably the cause of said pet's demise (to be fair; the fish in the tub looked sickly anyway). Of course, it didn't take long for dad to notice that "Fishy" had died, he tried to convince Ayame that it was just sleeping, and the look on his face when Ayame said; "Fishy is dead, isn't he?" was just priceless.

When dad just nodded, Ayame calmly walked to one of the rubbish bins, and threw "Fishy" in (she can be unintentionally creepy at times).

As expected; the food and drinks at the fair are a menace to public health, the lines for the outhouses should've been warning enough for anyone.

The good news was that we didn't actually eat any of the food that was on sale. Mostly because dad noticed one of the workers haul up what looked suspiciously like a dead rat covered in batter from the deep fryer at the tempura stall.

Dad almost bought some hot tea when Ayame pointed out the fact that the tea didn't actually smell let alone look like tea (it was purple and smelled like used socks), it doesn't matter how optimistic you are, nor does it matter how cold the weather is, if you're offered a hot, steaming cup of purple liquid that smelled of sweaty socks and told its tea, you'd turn it down immediately.

So here we are now, looking at the map, wondering what to do next. I just wanted to go home, but by the look of things, Ayame wants to watch at least one show, considering how this day has gone I wouldn't be surprised if any attempt by these collection of idiots and incompetents to put on anything even resembling a performance ends in what can only be described as a giant, screaming fireball of failure (and first degree burns).

Ayame points towards a poster with a picture of a wagon filled with fireworks "How about this one?" the show is scheduled to start half an hour from now in the big top.

Dad nods, "May as well, it's either this or the puppet show." Sure enough, the other posters have been crossed out, it seems that most of the others have been cancelled. I can't help but giggle a bit, by the looks of things, they couldn't even put on a kabuki act without something going horrifyingly wrong, whatever it was; it apparently forced them to cancel it "indefinitely".

I decide to look for the poster for the only other show that was still on, the one with the puppets. Even if I think it can only end in disaster it would at least be interesting to see how they're going to pitch this to the crowd. Who knows, at the very least their attempt at advertising might actually have something equating to quality.

Ah, there it is, let's see what we have here.

My eyes widen, it looks like it might actually be enjoyable, if the poster is to be believed; it's basically an exhibition of the puppet technique alongside a way to show off the puppets used by "puppeteer ninjas" all this performed by what the poster claimed was a retired puppeteer ninja from Sunakagure, which the poster also claim is home to the "greatest puppeteers alive", however what really got me hooked was their promise of "mechanical wonders" and "clockwork contraptions" I needed to see this.

I tugged at dad's hand and point to the poster, he looks at it and asks "You want to watch the puppet show?" I nod

Ayame takes one look at the poster, turns to me and says "Those puppets look creepy, are you sure?" she looks just a bit hesitant, I can't blame her; those puppets were made to be unsettling, after all.

I nod again.

Dad checks the poster "It looks like they've got a show during and after the wagon show. How's about this; we'll go there right after we finish watching the fireworks wagon, what do you two say?"

Ayame and I share a look, smile and nod.

Dad smiles, turns towards the big top and says "Okay then, let's go"

* * *

Just as we started getting in line to buy tickets near the big top we heard explosions, shouting and what sounds like panicked whinnying coming from inside the giant tent. A moment later, and a panicked horse comes barrelling out, attached to it is a burning wagon, thankfully; there aren't actually any fireworks on it.

The crowd scatters as the horse runs around, trying to break free from its burning burden. Eventually, the fire weakens the harness enough that the horse manages to escape and by the looks of things, is now running towards another part of the fair.

Its handlers, three of them in all, eventually stumble out of the tent, by the looks of things, they got out unscathed, except for the one on the left; it looks like he got singed a bit.

One of them spoke up "Where'd the horse go?" the assembled crowd points…in totally different directions, if I'm not mistaken one guy is pointing towards the entrance of the big top. The exact same one the horse ran out from.

The handlers share a look and split up to look for it.

It's taking me every ounce of my (quite frankly; practically non-existent) willpower to keep from laughing. Of course, given the fact I'm still about a year old, and thus driven by raw emotion, I fail miserably and start howling with laughter. The show hadn't even begun and it's already ended in a literal giant, screaming fireball of failure, complete with what looked like first degree burns.

It took about ten seconds before I finally manage to stop laughing, Dad and Ayame look at me, puzzled, I just smile at them in response.

Dad choughs lightly and says "Maybe we should just watch the puppet show instead"

Ayame and I both silently nod in response.

* * *

We reached the clearing just a few minutes before the show started, it was rather minimalistic, just a few benches lined up in front of a dingy looking horse drawn caravan at the far end of a field. All things considered, this does not look particularly convincing; at the very least I was expecting a stage, however simple. Well, with my expectations sufficiently lowered to the appropriate levels I settle in to watch the inevitable train wreck.

After a few minutes of nothing but the occasional muttering, I was expecting someone to announce that they are "experiencing technical difficulties", considering how the rest of the fair went, I wouldn't be surprised if this turned out to be a disappointment; at best, or an unmitigated disaster; at worst.

Suddenly, we heard something. The whirring of gears and the trundle of what sounded like oversized clockwork machinery; the show was starting.

The side of the caravan unfolded forming a ramp, revealing an old man, dressed in traditional looking clothing, with a rather thick cloak wrapped around him. He has one of those ninja headbands on his forehead, the emblem engraved on it shows that he's from Sunakagure. Looks like the poster was honest about that bit, at least.

He looked out at the audience, spread his arms wide and grinned "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the wonderful world of puppetry" as he said this, blue lines, ten in all raced out of his fingers, attaching themselves to various objects around his caravan, the objects are fairly unassuming and mundane; boxes and tubes, mostly.

"Allow me to introduce myself; I am Tanaka Koji, and I shall be your host this afternoon." He then lowered his arms and everything the blue lines were attached to flew onto the field.

Before our very eyes, the boxes and tubes started unpacking themselves, some took on a humanoid shape while others resembled various types of animals. These puppets were not well protected, their inner mechanisms looked delicate on top of being exposed, which of course made sense as they were meant to show off and impress a crowd rather than take a hit. (By the looks of things, those gears probably wouldn't even survive an encounter with anything sturdier than a single piece of damp, single ply toilet paper)

As he flicked his fingers, the puppets gave a small bow and a tune started playing, it looks like one of those puppets doubled as an old fashioned music box.

"Without further ado, let us begin" with only a bare flick of his wrists, the puppets began their performance.

* * *

One hour later

That was the single coolest thing I have ever seen in my lives, both of them (granted; the second lifetime is only about a year long as of this point; but still) if there was one thing that would define my life for years to come it would be this. Maybe it was the fact I used to work with machines in my past life, or maybe it's just the "one year old kid" part of me getting impressed by anything more exciting than a set of jingling keys but either way, I was captivated.

The way the puppets moved, the way they practically danced around the field, their movements as smooth as that of a living being, those moves were impossible for any normal machine, one of them even disassembled and then reassembled itself, into a completely different form no less. The best part was that the exposed bodies of the puppets showed us how it was all possible, how the gears, levers and such locked together, how each part helped move the puppets.

The show ended to thunderous applause. As the puppets put themselves away, he announced that he'd be selling simple puppets, anyone who wanted one was to talk to him before (or after) the next show.

"At least he didn't use any of the creepy ones" Ayame said, it seems like she had a thing about puppets

As we got up to leave, I lug lightly on dad's arm and point towards the puppeteer. "What is it Ayano? You want a puppet?" dad asks me, a small smile on his face.

I grin and nod.

"Alright, it is your birthday after all" and he leads us towards the old man.

As dad talks to him, my mind wanders to the puppets in the caravan, some of them; the ones which have wooden covers for their internals, are obviously meant for combat. While the ornate ones, and the ones which are exposed are meant for show.

"Here, child." The old man hands me what looks like a snake with a clockwork key on top and a control bar, "Just wind it up and watch it go" he twists the key clockwise a bit and the snake moves around for a few seconds, Then he talks to dad again "when she's older, attach some strings to the bar and the puppet, make sure to match the numbers" Sure enough, the numbers one to six were written at the tips of the bar and on certain parts of the puppet.

Dad nods in response.

He shifts his gaze a bit, towards the snake in my hands "Back in Suna, we'd give this to aspiring puppeteers, ninja or otherwise. She's a bit too young to actually use it properly but give her a few years and she'll figure it out".

That, unfortunately left us little else to do but get on rides that do not work, eat questionable food and play games designed to steal our money. So we did the only other thing we could do; go home.

* * *

"The fair was better last year" Ayame mumbled.

Dad sighed "at least the puppet show was decent"

I'm just wondering how long it'll take these hacks to burn down their own fairground. By the way things are going, it shouldn't take too long.

"Ah, Teuchi." We turn around and notice the same academy instructor we met earlier today. "How was the day at the fair?"

Our expressions tells him everything he needs to know.

"That bad, huh?" he chuckles "the winter solstice is less than a week away, the way things are going; the fair may not even last that long"

I am inclined to agree with him.

He then notices the bag I'm holding "Hey, kid, found something you like? Guess it wasn't a total waste of time"

Dad nods "It's a toy, from that puppeteer, the foreign ninja"

The instructor looks thoughtful "Oh, yeah, I've heard of him, he goes from village to village putting on puppet shows. He comes here once every couple of years, usually in time for the solstice."

Ayame seems to have thought of something "If he's some sort of ninja, why isn't he going on missions or staying in his village?"

The instructor shrugs "Who can say; maybe its wanderlust, maybe he doesn't know how to run a business, or maybe he just needed to earn money somehow; I heard the hidden sand isn't getting as many contracts, and that is never good news for a ninja's paycheck"

I'm not surprised, as a ninja the only work experience and skill he has basically amount to; killing, stealing, spying, and (considering he's a puppeteer ninja) making and using puppets. That doesn't exactly give him many prospects for employment and something tells me that employers are probably skittish about hiring someone who has theft, espionage and murder (regardless of legality) on their resume.

He glances at the bag "I take it this toy is also some sort of puppet?"

Dad nods "Yeah, he said it's the same one they gave out to aspiring puppeteers over in the Hidden sand"

"Get them started young, am I right?" he says light-heartedly "Hey, kid, remember what I said earlier today about becoming a ninja? Maybe you could become a puppeteer ninja, I heard it's one of those paths anyone can learn and master, so long as they know how to work with machines."

Dad lets out a small laugh "Heh, that's not a bad idea, actually. You should've seen her during the puppet show, laughing and clapping away; she loves them." (What can I say, the puppets were the best part of this day, granted the bar was set spectacularly low, but still)

Okay, that's actually not a bad idea…Oh wait, that's right, it involves becoming a trained killer at the onset of puberty, as if going through hormonal changes wouldn't be awkward enough already. (Again, a bridge I'll cross when I come to it)

Dad continues talking to the instructor, but by then I've tuned them out, it's not exactly interesting nor does it really involve me anyway.

* * *

Noon the next day

It's a slow day today; I'm playing with my new toy and dad's talking to one of the customers, by the way he's dressed; I can tell he's a ninja, the flak jacket and headband are dead giveaways. It isn't long before the conversation shifts to the fair yesterday, I listen in; this might get interesting.

"…so anyway, I took a bite out of some dango and you know what I found? The back half of a cockroach." The disgust on the ninja's face is obvious.

Dad nodded solemnly "We went on one of the rides, just as we got off; I smelled smoke, turns out the thing caught fire. Wouldn't let my girls ride anything else after that"

Another customer chimes in with her story "tell me about it; I drank some of that purple tea, thinking the colour and smell was some sort of fad. Before I know it I'm spending an hour in an outhouse"

The ninja chuckles "On the bright side, the sheer number of complaints convinced the hokage to shut down the fair early, I was at the office earlier today; the desk was literally buried under a pile of complaint forms. From what I've heard, the inspectors are still tallying up the health and safety violations"

I giggle to myself, this was the best case scenario; had the fair continued, I'm fairly sure that it would've ended in disaster and hilarity.


	3. Children are bite sized psycopaths

**Author's note** ; and here's the part just before the academy. I'm not very familiar with the honorifics used in the Japanese language let alone how to actually use them so I won't include them in any dialogues, if anyone can offer me any advice on this I'd appreciate it.

 **Disclaimer:** Again; all rights to Naruto and anything related to it is owned by Masashi Kishimoto

* * *

The past four years passed by without much incident, dad worked the store, Ayame went to the "civilian academy" which was basically school (one with mandatory basic combat training), I learned to read (mostly by pestering dad and Ayame with picture books until they gave in and read them to me), talk and became a living doll for my sister's personal enjoyment (as far as she's concerned, when it came to dress up, "no" meant; "convince me").

There was not much I could do with my time besides look cute, play with my puppet (the other toys just weren't quite as interesting) and read the books dad brought from the library. The books (being age appropriate) were simple, inane and boring but they did make learning to read less difficult. Sometimes, if Ayame let me, I'd sit beside her as she did her schoolwork, while I tried to read her textbooks, she thought it was cute, I thought it was a relief from boredom. Besides that, there were simple chores, things I could do to help around the house and the shop.

The most exciting things to happen in the past few years was the time dad broke up a fight with nothing more than a noodle ladle and a handful of raw ramen and the time a certain blonde haired child with fox whiskers became our regular customer.

He was nervous about entering at first (dad had to practically invite him in) and he stuttered out his order, dad felt sorry for him and decided his first meal with us would be free, the look on his face could only be described as pure unfiltered joy.

Life settled into its own monotonous rhythm and the days passed by without anything really worthy of note. Even the stories told by some of the customers, ninja or otherwise started to become less interesting, after all; if you've heard one tale of a botched assassination attempt, you've basically heard them all, especially if they each have a surprising tendency to end with the escaping assassin face down, unconscious in a cart full of manure.

I don't exactly have a lot of friends (my age or otherwise), in fact my current list of friends can be best summed up as a small, sad scrap of paper with the name "Naruto" hastily scrawled on it (he's fun to talk to, almost always cheery and comes around often). Dad and Ayame tell me, constantly, that I need to go out and socialize, make friends, and play with the other children instead of sitting down in a corner by myself (oftentimes with a good book in hand).

In my defence, I would, If it weren't for one tiny little problem; the other children are a roving band of pint sized sociopaths.

I swear; at least one them is going to grow up to be a serial killer. Their idea of playing "ninja" is to pretend to kill their target in disturbingly vivid detail, going so far as to describe how their target "dies" both slowly and painfully while they gloat over their imaginary kill.

Just the other day, they managed to get their hands on some fireworks, and decided to go on a "mission" to prank the old guy (who is, admittedly; a jerk) who lives down the street. Their cunning plan involved shoving said fireworks down the throat of one of the neighbour's cats, tossing a match in and throwing the poor cat on the roof of the old guy's house, he spent the entirely of the next day cleaning up the…mess.

The one time I decided to join (out of boredom and curiosity) in one of their games of ninja, they were pretending to be weapons masters and they decided I'd be their "target" both literally and figuratively. I spent the next five minutes dodging, and running, especially after I realized that only some of the kunai and shuriken being thrown were fakes. I only survived because I had the common sense to take cover behind the leg of the nearest adult.

They do come to the store to invite me to join them every now and again (either I managed to impress them, or they're just hoping for another go at maiming me), I tell them that "if I want to watch sadists at work I'd go sit outside the intelligence division's HQ, at least they're aware of the fact they're terrible people" that has to count as "interacting with kids my age", right?

* * *

It's been about three months since my fifth birthday. Recently, dad's been talking with the neighbours (especially those with children around my age) more often about education, specifically; my education. By the way these talks go, he seems to think I've got some sort of interest in becoming a ninja, to be fair; I've never really denied it outright.

It's also given me something to think about, this is after all; the Naruto universe, if things followed the timeline I'm familiar with, Konoha will be attacked numerous times in the coming years, by rival villages, rampaging sumo wrestlers and so on. Worse still, if things go according to the canon, the fourth shinobi world war will probably break out sooner or later.

Sure the civilian populace also doubles as a militia, but that doesn't exactly mean much in the face of super powered super soldiers (who may or may not be slightly unhinged) trained from adolescence to follow orders to the letter.

In fact; from what I've heard (mostly from travellers stopping for a meal), life for an average civilian in one of the hidden villages is very different from the life of someone living in the regular settlements (especially the cities). Apparently, Konoha is basically an oversized, semi self-sufficient military base, in the eyes of the rest of the world; no one from a hidden village is a civilian, we're all part of the country's military, like it or not (the fact that almost every "civilian" living here has received combat training probably doesn't do much to convince anyone of our harmlessness).

All this without counting the stuff that happened "off screen" (well this is another existential crisis waiting to happen, is it?) from what I know, the political situation is rather similar to that of the "warring states" era of Japanese history, with each of the daimyos/feudal lords competing with each other in shadow and proxy wars (and even outright conventional warfare) not to mention the various bandit gangs and raiders going about.

The way I see it, this could end either one of two ways (in a worst case scenario); I could find myself in a relatively safe and cushy (but unfulfilling) job making noodles and working for Ayame when the shop passes to her, but with the possibility of finding myself swinging a polearm (or a naginata as they call it here) at someone who can breathe fire and move faster than I can blink while I try to run, hide and hope I get evacuated in time, before I get reduced to a very fine red smear on the ground.

Then again, I could also find myself becoming what is basically a mercenary with super powers, one with the ability to move at breakneck speeds, walk on water and control puppets with hidden blades in every other joint (and so on). But also probably find myself taking missions that have me fighting (and probably losing against) someone with similar abilities, along with the need to follow orders that may involve burning down a village or two. (I don't even want to think about the attrition rate)

It goes without saying that both choices are equally unattractive, either way I'd be getting roughly seven years of education, and an apprenticeship.

In the case of the civilian academy; I'd either go back to work right here in the noodle store, or get an apprenticeship for a different trade. If the village is attacked (and it probably will be) then I have to hope that the evacuation goes smoothly.

If I were to go for the ninja academy, it'll be seven years along with what amounts to an apprenticeship to a senior ranking ninja (specifically; a jonin), in which case, keeping my head down and getting assigned to the genin or medical corps may actually help increase my chances of survival. After all, I'd get training, with only a fraction of the responsibilities (and pay, but I can always work at the store to support myself)

That instructor from the academy, the first one I met; Motomiya Goro, he's one of dad's friends and from what I heard, he's coming over tonight to have a discussion with dad about whether or not I'd be attending the academy. The new semester starts as soon spring comes around, and he thinks I'm actually interested in ninja training.

Looking at the alternative, that may not be that bad an idea after all, (even when considering the whole "becoming a trained killer" bit)

* * *

Later that same evening

The instructor arrived half an hour ago, he's now sitting in the living room talking with dad, so far the conversation is just small talk, but it won't be long before they start talking about which academy I'll be attending in a couple of months' time.

I'm just sitting here with Ayame, we're just waiting for them to include us in the conversation. At the moment, she's showing me some interesting tricks you can do with some string and your hands.

"So, have you thought about it Ayano?" dad asks me.

Okay, I probably should've actually listened to that last bit.

"Sort of" I answer,

Goro glances at me "It's a fairly large decision, I understand if you need to think this over" he says "if you change your mind, the civilian academy does accept anyone who leaves, but once you drop out of the ninja programme, it's final."

"It's also going to be difficult and dangerous" dad continued, concern creeping into his voice

"So I've heard" I say in response. "Difficult and dangerous" are massive understatements of course but

Then I remember, puppetry is a thing I could go for, so I ask "will I learn to use puppets?"

"You mean ninja puppets?" Goro asks

I nod, of course I mean ninja puppets.

He chuckles a bit "It's not very common in these parts, but yes; the library has a collection of scrolls tailored towards puppetry, you'll have to buy or build the puppet yourself, though"

That's actually a very attractive offer

Goro then glances to dad "I take it she knows all about the civilian academy?"

"She should, after all, Ayame used to talk about it all the time" dad said turning to Ayame.

Ayame nods "She used to peek at my textbooks every now and again, and I've brought her there once, remember, Ayano?"

Oh, yes how could I forget? The crowded and obviously underfunded civilian academy; where the tables look as though they were part of a woodcarving workshop, where the chairs were flimsier than toothpicks, where the bathrooms are rumoured to be haunted (considering the way they looked, that might actually be true) and where, in place of lightbulbs, are notes saying; "I owe you one lightbulb".

How Ayame could even tolerate a single day there I will never know, perhaps those friends she had around her at all times made anything tolerable.

"Unfortunately; yes," I nod

Goro lets out a small laugh "I take it you didn't like it?"

Ayame looked defensive "Come on, it wasn't that bad"

"Wasn't there a small herd of goats living off the books in the library?" I ask

"Yes" she blurts out

I look at her blankly "The windows were replaced by boards of wood"

"Well there's that, but you're just pointing out the negatives" she says in response

"The track field looked more like an overgrown meadow" I point out

At this point, Ayame just looked puzzled "We have a track field?"

"And you've just proven my point" I said.

At this point, Ayame is giving me a look that promised hour long dress up sessions with her friends every day for the next few weeks.

A noticeable look of anger crosses dad's face "You mean to tell me that my Ayame has been going to a school that feeds its books to farm animals?"

Goro sighs, it looks like he isn't happy about this either, "The ninja academy attracts more donors, and the village council usually allocates more funds towards training more genin"

Ayame chimes in "but the teachers are great, they're patient, take their time with us, tutor us when we need help…"

Well, that's true actually. For once, the teachers the civilian academy's only saving grace.

Dad doesn't look satisfied with that answer "If I only knew about it sooner…"

The discussion about the overall lack of quality in the educational facilities allotted to those who would rather not become ninjas would grow to dominate the conversation for the rest of the evening.

* * *

Later

Goro left us the registration form before he went home, he didn't bother to leave us the form for the civilian one. After seeing dad seethe over it for the past hour or two, he probably thought there was no way dad would even let me go there after hearing about the state of the civilian academy.

He's also right, at the moment, dad and Ayame are having a talk, from what I gather he wants to make an official complaint and Ayame is trying to diffuse the situation.

It seems as though I'll be going off to the academy in the next couple of months.

Here's hoping this won't end in me getting stabbed in the face.


	4. At least the first day went well

**Author's note** : Here's the first part with the academy. If things go according to plan I'll have another chapter with the academy out soon so I can move on to the next parts. Those of you who've watched Blackadder will probably see the trio forming in this chapter.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't have anything to do with Shonen Jump let alone Naruto

* * *

It's my first day of school (again) and I'm getting ready to go, or rather; I'm ready to go, but Ayame thinks I need to "clean up" a bit to make a good first impression.

She's got no problems with the way I'm dressed, after all this looks just like the outfit she herself wore when she was five, a simple orange tunic with long white sleeves, navy blue trousers, a white bandana (just like the one she's wearing right now) and sandals.

My hair on the other hand is a totally different story.

"Stop fidgeting" Ayame says as she drags the comb through my hair.

"My hair looks fine" I mumble.

"It looks like a bird's nest" She replies as she combs my hair again.

I let out a huff of annoyance "I'll be wearing a bandana anyways"

"As if that changes anything" She says

"Are you done yet?" I grumble "You've been at it for ten minutes"

Ayame sighs and puts the comb down "I guess this is the best I can do"

"Finally" I mumble as I get up to put on my bandana.

"You look just like me when I was your age" Ayame says with a smile

"So I've been told" I reply

Almost anyone who's bothered to say it out loud have told us how much we look like each other, besides the obvious difference in age, the only other difference is that Ayame has longer hair while I have shorter hair.

She smiles a bit "Nervous about your first day?"

To be honest; I'm not sure.

Curiosity, anticipation and a slight hint of dread at all the ways my decision will haunt me for the rest of my (probably numbered) days are what I'm feeling at the moment. If those count as being "nervous" then, yes I am.

I nod in reply as I finish putting on my bandana.

Ayame lets out a laugh "So was I when it was my first day, it'll be fine, don't worry"

I nod as I pick up my bag, and follow her out of the room to meet dad downstairs.

Because the school year for the civilian academy begins a few days after the ninja one, that means that dad and Ayame are going to see me off for my first day.

* * *

Two hours later

The entrance ceremony finished about fifteen minutes ago, I know I heard something about the "will of fire" but I tuned it out half way. To be fair, I found it difficult to focus on the ceremony when there were no less than seven tantrums and meltdowns happening at any given time during the ceremony, watching children cry and rage at their parents on the first day of school was, quite simply; more interesting than listening to a bunch of speeches about said school.

Dad and Ayame left after the senior instructor finished his speech, at the moment I'm sitting down on one of the small stools placed on the grounds of the academy, waiting for them to start assigning us to our classes.

Then I notice someone stepping up to the platform, it's Goro-sensei (I'm going to have to get used to calling him that). I hope I get put in his class, he's a friend of the family after all.

"Alright, I'm Motomiya Goro, if your name is on this list then you're with me"

He pulls out a sheet of paper and starts reading out names in alphabetical order.

A few names in and he's already passed the "A" category, by the looks of things, he's going straight into the family names starting with "C". I let out a small sigh of disappointment, oh well, might as well sit back and wait.

The instructors are still going through their lists, but I'm not really paying any attention to them.

The field is about half empty now and I'm still waiting, by now I'm bored enough to start looking around for anyone I might recognize.

As I skim through the crowd I notice several familiar faces. It seems as though the roving band of pint sized sociopaths have decided to follow their true calling and become ninjas. Then their leader, a boy named Hiro meets my gaze and his eyes widen in recognition.

He grins at me and gives me two thumbs up.

His gang give me friendly smiles and wave at me.

I glare at them and give them the finger. (The extended middle finger is, after all; the universal sign of disrespect)

Hiro just laughs and nods in my direction.

From what I know; they think I like them. Somehow they've gotten it into their heads that I see them as friends, despite telling them on no uncertain terms that I'd "rather brush my teeth with sharpened knives" than hang out with them for more than sixty seconds.

I turn away and return to skimming the crowd.

Suddenly a voice calls out "Asakura Ayano"

I turn towards the voice, it's an instructor with a ponytail and a scar across his face. I recognize him, he's Iruka (or should I call him Iruka-sensei now?), that gives me a thought; if I'm in his class, wouldn't that mean the rookie nine would be too? This time I pay attention, I may have missed a name or two before, but I'm listening to him now.

* * *

Half an hour later

I was right, it seems like I'll be spending the next few years in the same classroom with nine of the most talented ninjas of their generation. Well if that doesn't make life interesting nothing will.

After he finished reading off the class roster he led us to one of the classrooms and told us we'd be using this exact same room until we graduate. After we took our seats he left the room saying he had something to do and that we were to stay here until he came back.

At the moment I'm sitting beside the windows at one the tables in the middle row, I'm sharing it with a very excited looking girl and a boy that, for some reason smells like spoiled fish.

The girl turns to talk to me "Hi, my name's Sato Mugen, what's your name?"

"Asakura Ayano" I reply then something crosses my mind; Mugen is a masculine name.

"Wait, isn't 'Mugen'a boy's name?" I ask 'her'

'She' looks confused "But I am a boy"

Well this conversation just got incredibly awkward.

"I'll take your word for it." I say

Mugen just chuckles in response.

I look towards the boy who smells like fish "My name's Asakura Ayano, what's yours?

He turns to me "Ota Kenji"

Mugen smiles "Nice to meet you Kenji, my name's Sato Mugen"

"Nice to meet you too" Kenji says in response, smiling back.

Wait a minute, 'Sato', isn't that the name of one of Konoha's merchant clans?

"Mugen, you wouldn't happen to be part of the 'Sato' clan would you?" I ask him

"Well, yes I am" he says with a smile "the youngest member of the main family in fact"

"If you're from one of the merchant families, then why are you training to become a ninja?" I ask him.

"Because I wanted to do more for the village than stare at books" he says "and I was told the best way to help the village was to enlist and fight for it"

I nod in response.

I hear people talk about the Sato clan every now and again, they're one of Konoha's largest merchant families, owning various businesses in the village, throughout the land of fire and beyond. They also happen to be very devoted to the village and by extension; the land of fire, some have even described them as being borderline fanatical in their devotion. They may have a point about that last bit.

"Since we're talking about it, how about you Kenji, what's your story?" Mugen asks

"To be honest, I just wanted to continue the family tradition, you see; my family's been in the Fermented fish business for years, but when those fancy boxes called; refrigerators came along, nobody wanted fermented fish anymore, they'd rather have fresh fish" he said letting out a sad sigh "My family was never known for being very good at anything other than making fermented fish and we're not very smart either, so here I am"

"Why anyone would choose fresh, only slightly smelly fish over half rotten fish that smell worse than chamber pots is a mystery for the ages" I say sarcastically

"I know right?" Kenji said, without even a trace amount of irony or anger

I don't think he's the sharpest knife in the drawer.

"What about you Ayano?" asked Mugen

"My dad runs Ichiraku ramen and my older sister is looking to expand it" I say "I'm hoping to become a medical-nin, mostly because it seems like the safest option, especially considering how many stab happy, fire breathing psychopaths we have in this village alone"

They nod in acknowledgement and the conversation eventually moves on to small talk between Mugen and Kenji, with me listening to them in the background.

After half an hour, I'm still sitting here, looking out of the window every now and again while listening to these two talk. One thing I've managed learn about them is that neither of them are particularly bright.

They've been talking for the past thirty minutes, and somehow they've managed to convince each other of the superiority of weaving baskets underwater and the merits of literally putting a cart before a horse. Now they've moved on to talking about making cats and dogs get along by spraying them with cold water.

Then Iruka-sensei steps into the classroom and everyone quiets down.

"Okay, settle down" He says as he walks up to the podium "Allow me to welcome you all to your first day in the academy…"

* * *

One year later

The past year at the academy was relatively uneventful, the subjects were simple, painfully simple. Seeing as how most of those in the class were about five years old that meant that it was essentially a militarized version of kindergarten, the same basic thing such as language, grammar, math and so on. It wasn't really any different from what I did the first time around.

I'm now a few months into my second year.

I've managed to make two friends at the academy, namely; Kenji and Mugen, they're dense enough to make even uranium seem like air by comparison but they do make for good company, besides I'd feel bad about ditching them, especially when they need my help figuring something out.

Like now for instance.

Classes ended about an hour ago and now Kenji and I are in the library, I'm helping him learn some basic mathematics. To make it easier for him, I'm using some beans to visualize this lesson.

Unfortunately, I'm not having much luck.

"Okay Kenji, I have four beans" I say pointing to some beans on the table "count them with me; one, two, three, four," I continue, pointing to each bean as I count them.

He nods in understanding.

"You have six beans, count them with me; one, two, three, four, five, six" I point to each bean on his side of the table

He nods again

"If I take two of your beans, once again; count them with me; one, two" I point to two of his beans "and add them to my four beans, what will I have?"

"A fight" he says

I take a few seconds to facepalm "From a certain point of view; yes I suppose I would, but what would I have besides a fight?"

"Some beans" he answers

"Again, yes, but how _many_ beans would I have?" I ask, holding my face in my palm.

He takes a full minute to process this.

"Oh, I've got it; four" he says with a smile.

I grit my teeth.

"And those two" he continues with a proud grin.

I look at him, a look of frustration on my face "and what does four and 'those two' altogether make?"

"Can we start again?" he asks, his grin disappearing

I resist the urge to slam my head onto the desk, I barely succeed.

"Kenji, even the hounds of the Inuzukas have mastered this. You're bringing humiliation to us as a species" I say through clenched teeth

"Sorry, Ayano, but my family's never been very good at this sort of thing" he said apologetically.

My gaze and voice softens "It's alright, we'll just start again, for the eight time today"

Suddenly the clock in the room chimes.

"Sorry Kenji, but it seems like we're done with advanced mathematics for the day" I tell him as I leave the room "we'll pick up where we left off tomorrow"

He nods and waves goodbye as I leave the library and I wave back.

I've got "kunoichi classes" after regular school hours, it started this Monday and attendance is only mandatory for a single month but I'm still not happy about it, mostly because the instructor (Akane-sensei) noted that I "had the femininity of a rabid male badger." A verdict I find to be unfair, I mean sure; my first attempt at floral arrangement nearly ended in a fatal accident, and every other lesson since hasn't gone any better (by that, I mean there were near fatal accidents at each one) but I still think she's overreacting.

No matter the case I'm probably going to drop these classes as soon as this month is up, assuming I don't get kicked out of them (though considering how things are going, it seems as though the latter may be more likely)

It wasn't a very long walk to the meadow where we had these lessons and the other girls are already sitting down and talking to each other. I pick a place at the back and sit down, then I notice a familiar face and walk over.

"Uhh…Mugen, what are you doing here?" I ask him

"Oh, Ayano, hey how's it going?" he asks.

"Don't change the subject, Mugen, what are you doing here?" I ask him again, though I think I know the answer.

Mugen sighs nervously "Well I was walking home when Akane-sensei caught me, she said I'd be missing kunoichi class and told me to follow her"

Why am I not surprised?

"Why didn't you tell her you're a boy?" I ask him

"I did, but she wouldn't believe me" Mugen shrugs "She said I had to go for these classes, that those were the rules, so here I am"

"Okay, fine, let's just go with this" I sigh in resignation.

A few minutes later Akane-sensei arrives, pushing a trolley stacked with boxes full of musical instruments.

"Okay, class today we're going over the basics of traditional instruments" she announces

I raise my hand.

She looks at me and frowns a bit "Oh, Ayano, what's the matter?"

"You do know that Mugen's a boy, right?" I say

Mugen nods in agreement.

"That's not a very nice thing to say, Ayano" she tells me "do I have to give you detention?"

"No, I'm serious, Mugen really is a boy, you can check his records, if you want" I insist.

"It's true" Mugen chimes in.

Akane-sensei lets out a very long sigh "Alright, fine, I'll check the records. But if you're lying I'm giving you both detention."

A few minutes later she returned looking quite sheepish.

"Okay, it seems as though he really is …well… a he" she says, stumbling over her words, It's clear that she doesn't know how to deal with this.

"err… well, nevertheless, if he's good enough to fool me, then it's clear that he deserves to be here as much as any of you" she says, recovering from the revelation "Mugen, if you want to continue and learn the way of the kunoichi, then I will not stop you"

I look to Mugen "So, Mugen, what'll it be?"

Though I think I know what his answer will be.

He coughs into his hand "Actually, I think I'll stay"

No surprise there.

"WHAT!?" almost everyone else exclaims, surprise evident in every decibel of their voices.

Having much more experience with his brand of quirkiness, my response is far more measured.

"Of course you will" I say, my voice utterly deadpan and my expression blank "care to explain why?"

"Well, you see; I don't have much to do after school besides homework," he says "and I just so happen to be quite good at this floral arrangement business, if I do say so myself, here have a look."

He pulls out a bouquet "Ino taught me the basics when I got here and I figured out the rest of it from there"

I raise my eyebrows, it's actually quite beautiful.

"Mugen" I let out a small smile of approval "good job"

"Thanks, Ayano" he says with a smile "hey, that may be the first genuine compliment you've ever given me"

I chuckle a bit "don't get used to it"

* * *

Thirty minutes later

"…and stay out of my class!" Akane-sensei yells at me as I walk away from the field, after yet another near death encounter, this time involving a "shamisen" it seems as though Akane-sensei has finally snapped and kicked me out of her class.

It's no great loss really, I was planning on dropping it as soon as the month was up anyway, getting kicked out of it really only hastened the inevitable.

* * *

 **Edit:** fixed some spelling and grammatical mistakes.


	5. The most unlikable people in the village

**Author's note:** I'm going to use the Naruto movies as a reference for the kind of technology available in the Naruto universe; so far we've seen (among other things) radios (main series), steamships (crescent moon kingdom), trucks on skis (land of snow), a giant floating temple with a ray gun (from the second shippuden movie), arquebuses (blood prison) and several others. I'm not particularly happy with this chapter, but I did what I could.

 **Disclaimer;** Kishimoto owns the copyright for Naruto

* * *

The second year went by without much fuss. There were a lot more Physical education classes in the second year compared to the first, according to Iruka-sensei it's to prepare us for the next few years in the academy, I'm not sure what he meant by that but something tells me that I won't like it. The second year was also the time we were introduced to the various academic subjects; history, geography, math and the sciences.

One of the things we learnt in the second year was that the land of fire's military is divided into three main branches; the army, the navy and the ninjas. (Most of the other countries have a similar setup)

While all three owe fealty to the daimyo, they each have their own command structure and are independent of one another. (However; neither of other two branches actually trust the ninjas, after all; a history of stabbing high ranking military officials through the neck does not engender positive relations)

Another thing we learned was just how different the cities are from the villages (ninja or otherwise) and towns. The cities have access to mechanical vehicles, heavy industry and much, much more.

In Konoha meanwhile; electricity and indoor plumbing alone are considered radical new technologies. Too radical for some apparently; I once heard someone refer to electrical lighting as "witchcraft" and some would rather dig a hole in a shack behind the house and relieve themselves in that than use a strange porcelain construct that seemingly conjures water out of nowhere (also known as; a toilet).

The good news is that most people in the village accept and even appreciate the efforts at modernization and Konoha is quickly closing the gap in terms of quality of life (among other things).

We were also told that the third and fourth years are the time many of those in both the ninja and civilian academies get chosen for apprenticeships and are taken under the wing of adults from certain professions around the village. (Most of them were either linked to the government of the land of fire, the administration of the village or were very specialized kinds of ninja roles that required years of training)

This explained why there were relatively few students graduating each year despite the relatively high enrolment rate; because many kids leave in their third or fourth year.

* * *

I've just started my third year in the academy and from what I've heard; this is the point where the actual training begins.

As a way of ending the first week our third year (and as a way to motivate us into showing effort), we'd be getting a talk later about the kinds of jobs needed to keep the village running, along with the various branches of service in the village, sort of like career day.

For now, however we're on lunch break and I'm sitting on one of the benches outside and reading while Kenji, Mugen and Naruto are talking amongst themselves.

Kenji and Mugen are talking about how it is theoretically possible to have an infinite supply of instant ramen if they just kept cutting the noodles in half. Naruto meanwhile, is acting as the sole (and increasingly frustrated) voice of sanity and logic.

"But if you keep cutting it" Naruto told them "wouldn't it become too small to eat?"

Kenji and Mugen think about it for a few seconds and their eyes widen in realization

"That's actually a pretty good point" Mugen said.

"Should've thought about that" Kenji added

Naruto looks at me "Are they always like this?"

I take my eyes off the pages of the book to glance at him "It only gets worse, Naruto" I tell him "I just stop them when they actually give the worst of their ideas a try"

"What about their other ones?" he asks me, shuddering at the implications

"If it's not too harmful or potentially lethal, then it almost always blows up in their faces before they can begin" I shrug "if they manage to get it started, then they'll usually blunder their way out of it"

"If they can't?" he continues

"Property damage aplenty" I reply "with personal injury being thrown in on special occasions"

Suddenly the bell rings and we start heading back to the classroom.

* * *

Three hours later

The talk would last for a few hours. Over past three hours, members of the various branches came to the classroom to give us a lecture about what they do, what skills they need and how those who are interested can work towards joining them. As it turns out; most of the branches that expect to see a fair amount of combat prefer to recruit directly from the village's pool of genin and chunin, this meant that anyone who wanted to join them had to graduate from the academy the usual way.

They started out with the intelligence division and worked their way from there.

None of them really interested me, so I tuned them out, everyone else was doing the same thing, only perking up when the branches they were interested in came up.

Then we started getting into the civilian and support roles. Some of them had distinct uniforms (and sometimes equipment). According to the representatives, members of these branches would very rarely (ideally they would never) see combat and would work in relative safety.

Many of them preferred taking on children in their third or fourth year from each of the academies as apprentices, working and studying under a senior official in a form of on-the-job training. (Or, more accurately; a way to legally get children to do the busywork they would rather not do)

I didn't listen to the first few, mostly because the first was about the instructors at the academy and the second one was about courier ninjas and the others covered several other minor ninja professions both inside and outside the village, from the (now defunct) ninja chefs to the ninja monks; who are essentially warrior chaplains and so on.

After that, they moved on to the "desk jobs". Unsurprisingly many of them accepted aspirants from both academies (though they prefer taking on hopefuls from the civilian academy). They included (among other things) the various administrative, bureaucratic and judicial roles throughout the village, the diplomatic corps (including liaisons) and other jobs that kept the village from grinding to a halt.

Despite being "civilian" roles, they can still hold their own, especially when it came to potential spies and saboteurs. Just last month, they've have managed to stop 37 separate attempts to steal classified information, assassinate one of the officials or undermine the village in some way. Of these 37 attempts at least 19 of them ended in someone being decapitated by weaponized survey forms.

I started paying attention when the medical corps were brought up, we were supposed to listen to a woman in a medical-nin uniform talk about the kind of work they do, how they get fresh recruits, and other details about the medical corps.

At least; that's what we would've been doing if she hadn't entered a state of PTSD induced catatonia just before she could begin her lecture. It took her five minutes to snap out of it. Unfortunately; as soon as she could start talking again, she began listing off some of the most gruesome things she saw while working as a field medic and on the emergency team. In vivid detail.

"…before I knew it, the poison started to take effect" she droned, her eyes wide open and her voice blank "his flesh started falling off in clumps, like raw rice flour but meatier, and his blood, so much blood"

We're staring at her with a look of shock and horror.

"He was screaming, he screamed as his organs began falling out, he screamed until his tongue melted" she continued "there was nothing I could do. Nothing"

This continued for a while, until her apprentice, a girl two years our senior relieved her.

"Uh…okay, I'm just going to leave this list of electives here along with the notes she took" she says sheepishly, as she leaves a few pieces of paper on the instructor's desk "your instructor will take over from here"

"One day a genin came in, it was his first mission, he was barely holding in his intestines…" the medical-nin rambled as her apprentice led her away "all he was trying to do was trim a hedge…"

As she is led away, Iruka-sensei walks up to the desk and starts reading her notes.

"err…okay, we've covered what the medical corps does for the village in class" he says somewhat nervously "but it says here that they can also be deployed with the regular military or to hospitals to bolster the staff…"

Because we're running out of time, Iruka-sensei is giving us a brief version of her talk.

"Anyone interested in joining should complete the recommended electives" Iruka-sensei says as he reads from the notes "anyone from either academy who shows sufficient aptitude for the biological sciences, especially human anatomy are advised to apply for apprenticeship at the end of their third or fourth year"

"those who join the general purpose squads under a jonin or join the genin corps may apply if they have an affinity for chakra control and medical ninjutsu" he continues, his eyes glued to the notes "however, should they be accepted, they will be bound to the laws that all medical-nin are subject to"

This gives me something to think about, I heard we'd be able to take a few elective classes this year, but I didn't know about the bit with the apprenticeships.

"That's pretty much it for the medical corps" Iruka-sensei says as he puts away the notes and looks towards the time table "that just leaves…oh no"

Well that was unexpected. What's he so worried about?

"Why do we keep letting them do this?" he moans "every year it's the same thing with them"

Now everyone in the class is muttering to each other

"What do you think it is?" I whisper to the girl in front of me

"Not sure" she replies "whatever it is, Iruka-sensei isn't happy about it"

"And finally we have…ugh" Iruka-sensei sighs in frustration "the engineering corps"

Wait, we have an engineering corps? That's great news for me.

"Is there anything wrong with them, sensei?" asks a boy sitting in the back row

"It's nothing, really" Iruka-sensei says, sounding just slightly evasive "It's just that they're…"

"The biggest jerks in the village" a boy in the front row calls out.

"I admit, they can be a bit…abrasive" Iruka-sensei says, choosing his words carefully "but still…"

He was cut off by the loudest belch I've ever heard in both my lives.

A man wearing what looks like a slimmed down version of an EOD suit with the same colour scheme as Konoha's standard ninja uniform stumbles into the room, his helmet, forehead protector and gas mask hanging haphazardly to his side.

My sense of smell was probably about average but even I could tell that he reeks of alcohol. By the looks of things, he's drunk.

"I don't know why I even bother; hardly any of these brats even know we exist" the man says, his voice slightly slurred "my being here isn't going to bolster recruitment anyways"

"Maybe if you pretended that this isn't just about the cash bonus for more than ten seconds…" Iruka-sensei muttered

"I wouldn't even care about these pint sized pricks if I wasn't being paid to give this talk" he growled "and at least I'm honest about it, most of the others only came because it may as well be a paid day off"

Then he turns to glare at us "you know the drill; I'm an engineer, to save us all time let's just assume that I am never wrong"

Hey, I remember that saying, it was one of my favourites.

"I'm going to be frank; I didn't join because I wanted to 'serve the village' or anything like that" he told us "I joined because it had the highest survival rate and paid well"

He had me sold at 'highest survival rate'.

"I know what some of you are thinking; I'm a selfish coward" he continues "well you'd be right, but consider this; what's the casualty rate for the average ninja?"

Good question, too bad we were never given a straight answer whenever we asked.

"We don't talk about that, for a very good reason…" Iruka-sensei interrupts him

"So you're telling me that they don't even know what's in store for them?" he says with a bark of laughter "oh I'm going to enjoy this"

"Don't you dare…" Iruka-sensei hisses

"Statistically speaking; almost every geinin will enter the emergency room with potentially fatal injuries within their first year" he says, smiling in glee "of all the genin that leave the academy and enter the general purpose pool, only about a fifth of them will make it to adulthood"

While Iruka-sensei puts his palm to his face "The same thing every time…"

"Some jonin are betting on how long some of you will last" he continues "including how you'll get injured or killed, it's actually quite popular and lucrative"

Then the muttering starts.

"I don't want to die!" someone exclaims

"Are we cannon fodder?" asks another

"All right settle down" he says, chuckling at our and Iruka-sensei's expense. "still, the looks on your faces, it never gets old"

His gaze begins to sweep the room "All right you little mouth-breathers let's get started…"

* * *

Twenty minutes later

He spent the next twenty or so minutes alternating between telling us about his job and insulting us, Iruka-sensei, ninjas as a whole and pretty much everything bar himself and the engineering corps. (Most of it was spent on insults)

From what I can tell; they're officially called "combat engineers"; they're a relatively new type of ninja specialization, formed just after the second shinobi world war, as a response to a world where science and technology became more advanced, complex and dangerous. (And because the land of sky proved that chakra and machinery could be merged together with rather interesting results)

"…and that's pretty much it" he says, finishing his talk "if you have any questions, save it for your instructor. I've done my bit, it's not my problem anymore"

"In the very unlikely event you're actually interested in an apprenticeship, go talk to Iruka" he tells us as he's leaving the room "We haven't had a single applicant in five years, and that probably isn't going to change this year"

"I can only wonder why…" mumbles Iruka-sensei sarcastically.

"I blame the educational system; we've too many incompetent instructors" he shoots back "that and the village's increasingly shallow gene pool"

Almost everyone in the class is glaring at him as he leaves.

"What a jerk" I hear someone say

There are murmurs of assent throughout the classroom.

I raise my hand "By the way; was he telling the truth about the attrition rate, Iruka-sensei?"

He sighs and begins repeating the same line he told us when we asked him before "For the ninjas of Konoha…"

"It's a simple yes or no question, sensei" I say, cutting him off

He sighs in exasperation "Yes, he was, for what it's worth he was being brutally honest"

"Would have been nice to know that before we signed up" I reply

"Ayano, I'm giving you detention" he says blankly "fifty lines; I must respect my elders"

"Including the ones throwing us into the meat grinder?" I ask

He frowns "Make that a hundred"

* * *

Next Monday

We had the weekend to discuss this with our families.

As was to be expected, many parents threw a fit when they heard about the average survival rate and pulled their children out of the programme in a heartbeat. I had to tell dad that I was interested in getting apprenticed to one of the combat engineers (which was one of the safest ninja professions) before he calmed down. (He could be nothing short of terrifying when angered; the things he can do with a ladle is the stuff of legends)

During my talk with dad and Ayame last Friday night, they agreed that it was a relatively safe option and they could also confirm another thing; the engineering corps are comprised of people with the worst personalities in the entire village (seeing as how a ninja village is basically a village of paid murderers, for whom talking about poisoning a water supply is as casual as talking about doing one's laundry; that is saying a lot)

There were less people in the academy today, mostly because many of the kids who were eyeing the civilian jobs dropped out when they were told that being a ninja was a health hazard, and that they'd have a better chance at an apprenticeship if they went to the civilian academy. (Despite its flaws, it did have a curriculum that actually translated to life skills beyond the scope of stabbing people)

I filled in the forms last night and I've got extra classes for three hours every day of the week, sometimes including weekends. Some of them overlap with the electives of the medical corps (mostly for maths and the sciences).

Right now, we've got a free period as Iruka-sensei holds back the tide of pissed off parents and those of us who are trying for an apprenticeship are discussing it with the others, apparently "career day" was the most interesting thing to happen during the past weekend

"…my uncle's a field medic and he used to be apprenticed to a medical-nin" says a girl sitting in the opposite end of the class "he says the electives are there to scout out talent amongst kids in the academy, and he thinks I've got what it takes"

"I've got an aunt in one of the cryptanalysis teams, she says they're really hurting for new recruits" a boy behind me chimes in "I'm good with codes so I'm giving it a shot"

"I'm going to transfer to the civilian academy, I'm looking to become a diplomat and they prefer candidates without ninja training" says a boy in the front row "I heard the said something about not being able to trust ninjas, not sure why"

"Considering the fact ninjas have a track record of killing high ranking government officials" I tell him "I think said officials would be leery about accepting one into their ranks"

"Oh yeah, Ayano, I heard you were interested in the medical corps" says Mugen "are you going for it?"

"Slight change of plans, Mugen" I reply "I'm trying for the engineering corps"

"You'd fit right in" says a boy I recognize as Kiba

"You are kind of a jerk" says a girl in front of me

I look around and see heads nodding in agreement

"You're overreacting, I wasn't that bad" I say in protest

Kiba scoffs "Oh really? What about the time…"

* * *

 **Flashback**

Kiba's POV

Its recess and I'm showing everyone how good I am at climbing. I managed to get on one of the branches on the upper parts of the tree. It's a bit rickety but it's holding my weight.

The other kids are clapping and cheering me on.

It is official. I am awesomeness incarnate.

"Kiba, those branches are rotten, you're going to fall, come down" I hear someone, a girl say

I frown "says who?"

"The law of gravity" a brown haired girl with a white bandana says to me. I recognize her, she's Ayano, the ramen girl.

"Seriously, those branches up there are going to break off any second now" she says "come down"

"Make me" I say in defiance

"I won't have to; physics will do it for me soon enough" she replies

"Prove it" I say, my temper flaring.

She sighs and points to the branch I'm standing on, sure enough; it's got the tell-tale signs of rot. But it can still support my weight and feels quite stable.

"You're just jealous because you're terrible at climbing" During one of our exercises, she was the last one up the climbing wall, despite the fact it had hand holds.

"I don't care about that, I just think…" she says

"Then what do you care about?" I say, with a smirk; I've got her now.

"Okay, look; when you fall, Iruka-sensei…" she says

"Aww, look, she's sweet on the teacher" I say, in mock sweetness

"…is going to have to tell your clan" She continues, ignoring my jab (it wasn't a very good one but still) "and I don't like his chances if he has to go over to the kennel to tell your mother that the only human in her latest litter died under his watch."

Wonder what she meant by…wait a minute WHAT!?

"What was that?" I say, my voice low and dangerous

"Hard of hearing?" she asks sarcastically "looks like you drew the short end of the genetic straw, dog breeding was always hit and miss"

"Oh, it is on!" I yell, "I bet you ten sticks of dango that I can get to the top of this tree and back no problem, and kick your butt when I'm done"

I know I'm letting by anger get the better of me, but she just insulted my mother. I can't just let that go.

"And when you lose, you'll owe me twenty sticks?" she asks me

"Yes, yes whatever" I growl as I grab the branch closest to me

Just as I'm about to pull myself up, the branch snaps off and I plummet.

There's a cracking noise and my ankle feels like it's on fire.

I cry out in pain, tears leaking into my eyes.

The other kids are looking at me with shock and concern, all except one.

"You okay?" Ayano asks me

I let out an agonized groan as a response

"I'll go get Iruka-sensei" she sighs as she walks away "Oh, and Kiba; you owe me twenty sticks of dango"

 **End flashback**

* * *

Present day

Ayano's POV

"…my ankle hurt for a month and you took everything I'd saved up with my allowance." Kiba said, frowning at me

"Okay, I'll admit that maybe some empathy would've gone a long way with that" I say, smiling nervously "but it was just that one time…"

"And about a mountain of other times in our second year alone" a pinkette I recognize as Sakura interrupts me "remember the time you shared that titbit about the clans"

"Oh, come on, you can't fault someone for telling the truth" I tell her "just look at the Hyugas, once you've seen one of them, you've seen them all. That goes far beyond the confines of a 'strong family resemblance' all I did was point out the fact that the noble clans probably practice some inbreeding, that's all"

"To be fair; she's not exactly wrong…" stammers Hinata

I point to her "Once again; vindication"

"Still can't believe that someone left a book on clan genealogy in the open like that" mumbles Sakura "and you didn't have to say it the way you did"

Okay, this looks bad.

"All right I'll admit it; I've got an attitude problem, but seriously how bad could it be?" I ask rhetorically.

The entire class begins listing off their grievances.

"Uhh…Naruto, back me up here?" I look at him for support.

"Sorry, Ayano, but they are right, remember that history lesson when Mugen brought up his family?"

Oh yeah, I remember that.

I put my finger on my chin in contemplation "It was towards the end of the year, a topic about the last stand of one of the scout teams…"

* * *

 **Flashback**

Ayano's POV

Iruka sensei left the classroom about five minutes ago to take care of some business down the hall, since then we've been discussing the "heroic sacrifice" of Konoha's scouts during the first Shinobi world war.

"Oh come now Ayano, it's an honour for anyone to lay down their lives for the village" Mugen said, his ever cheery smile plastered on his face "In fact; each and every single one of my brothers became ninjas, all so they could serve Konoha."

I look at him "And where are your brothers now?"

Mugen takes on a contemplative look "Well, first there's Daisuke, the eldest, he was the first in the family to become a ninja"

"And what happened to him?" I ask

Mugen sighs a bit "Well, he was the first to make it to the chunin exams, held in the land of lightning at the time. We got the news from his instructor; he died in one of the tasks, had his marrow sucked right out of him. Besides him, there's Akira and Jiro, the Twins, they were in the same squad. They were escorting an archaeological relic to the capital, the forensics team found Akira's upper half and Jiro's lower half. As for Junpei, he became a genin last year; then he left on a C-rank mission, they could only find his skeleton and the surviving member of his squad said something about a jutsu melting his flesh off. From what I'm told, they all said the same thing as they died: " _for people of the leaf_ ""

At this point, some of the others in the class look horrified, nauseous or both.

Mugen takes a second to process what he just said and with that, His face falls and his expression becomes sombre "And that just leaves me and dad"

Maybe I went too far "Mugen, I'm so sorry for your lo…"

Somehow, his face brightens "Oh, don't worry about that, one of the things they told me before they left was that they would gladly give their lives for the leaf. In fact, uncle Eizo made all of us swear to never let losing each other bring us down."

Looks like fanatical devotion to the will of fire trumps self-preservation.

Then he smiles "Whenever we'd start to have second thoughts or started moping, our uncles would step in and give us each a pep talk, I got one just before I started my first day at the academy"

Wait a minute, what was that last part?

"Mugen, your clan is divided into the main family and the secondary families, right?" I ask

"Yes, about three of them" he replies

"And if I'm not mistaken; any and all assets owned by the main family will be divided amongst the secondary families should the last heir to the main family die or be excluded from the will, is that right?" I continue

"Well, all of it might go to just one family if the Council thinks they're deserving of it" he says

I nod "would I also be correct if I were to assume that the ones who encouraged you and your brothers to become ninjas are members of the secondary families?"

Mugen looks surprised "How do you know about that?"

"Mugen, you do realize the secondary families are trying to get you killed, right?" I ask him

"That's exactly what one of my cousins said before he was disowned" he says, a look of wonder on his face "now I have to know; are you using some sort of jutsu?"

I give him an incredulous look "Is that really the most important part of this conversation to you? How I know all this and not the fact that your relatives are trying to indirectly murder you"

"Yes, tell me, please, I have to know." He says, adopting a pair of puppy dog eyes

"By using an ability that is entirely unknown to you" I say "one that you may find strange."

"What is it called?" he asks me, seemingly excited at the prospect of learning something new

"It's called the; "common sense jutsu"" I reply

"Cool" he says, eyes sparkling in amazement "can you teach it to me?"

"I'm sorry, Mugen but a technique as advanced as this requires something special" I say, shaking my head "something I don't think you have"

"What is it?" he asks "and how can I get it?"

"It requires an organ called; a brain" I say to him "if you don't have one then I…"

"Ayano, detention, fifty lines: I must not insult my classmates" Iruka-sensei cuts me off as he steps into the room "And Mugen; don't listen to her"

Dang it.

 **End flashback**

* * *

"…And Mugen still thinks I was using some sort of jutsu" I finish

"Still need help finding this thing you call a 'brain'" says Mugen

I look around and notice that they've finished listing down all the ways I'm a terrible person

"Yeah, okay, I get it I suck" I concede.

Then Iruka-sensei steps into the classroom.

"Okay, class, settle down…"

* * *

About nine months later

The third year was exhausting. This was the time we started our "taijutsu" training, it was basically a form of martial arts. It goes without saying that it did not go well for me; In my case "Practising the techniques" translated to inelegant flailing, during sparring practise, I was everybody's favourite partner, mostly because they knew I'd go down with barely a fight and that practically ensured a passing grade, it got so bad that Iruka-sensei had to stop anyone from actively choosing to spar with me so they couldn't rig their grades. I spent a lot of time in the infirmary holding an icepack to a blackened eye after taijutsu practises.

We were introduced to chakra during the summer, and it was not a pleasant experience. Sure the kids that came from clans got through it all right but for those of us from civilian families, it was significantly less smooth. When I first tapped into it, it was sort of like having to learn to use my hands all over again, and it took me a while to get a hold of it.

I will never forget what it felt like when it all came together; it felt like a million volts of electricity was surging through my body. In short, it hurt; a lot. I was flat on the ground twitching and groaning in agony while the other kids from civilian families were no better off. Except for Kenji, he was great when it came to chakra, in fact some instructors even described him as a potential prodigy, a savant in the making. I guess all that development went into his chakra control and reserves as opposed to his brain.

At the very least, it made running and jumping a breeze when I could finally get my chakra to work with my legs.

(Also, as someone who regarded all this talk of "chakra" and "energy of living beings" as bunk in my previous life; to actively start to feel use it was very upsetting to my worldview, imagine having to admit to being wrong about something)

Learning to throw knives was nowhere near as entertaining as I thought it would be, mostly because the only one who could do it properly as Sasuke, the rest of us mostly just killed small animals by accident and hit everything (including an instructor or two) but the targets.

Learning to climb buildings was…surreal, with the flow of chakra enhancing our limbs it was disturbingly easy, sure it took a few months for us to just "let the chakra flow through out system" but sooner or later we'd have to make sure this flow happened unconsciously, as if it were reflex. By the time we had it mastered we were practically cambering up the sides of buildings like we were large, clumsy lizards.

The electives were only slightly more challenging than I expected, after all; Issac Newton, Fritz Haber and their lot don't exist in this world, instead I had to relearn the basics for everything, (for example, the Haber process is called the 'Kujikawa' process over here) but once I got past that point, it was a breeze. (Of course, for regular seven or eight year olds this would probably be hellishly difficult)

It was nostalgic, coming back to all of this after all these years, sure the subjects were still laughably simple compared to what I used to work with, but it was still nice.

The practical electives was where most of the challenge was, but all I had to do was apply some of my prior experience and it turned out well, after all, I had to work with machines that were far more advanced than these simple clockwork devices (sure; they were marvels of engineering, but they couldn't hold a candle to an internal combustion engine.)

I submitted my application a week ago and got a notice saying I was accepted earlier today. That was one of the happiest moments of my life (lives?) as of this morning, I'm officially part of the engineering corps.

Right now I'm sitting in the workshop's rooms waiting to meet my mentor, according to the notice, he goes by the name of Ryoichi Tomio (or should I call him by the official term; master Ryoichi?) I'm practically giggling with excitement.

Then I hear a massive belch, one of the loudest I've ever heard in…

Wait a minute, don't tell me it's…

"Looks like someone managed to ace the electives and actually wants to enter the engineering corps" a man in a slimmed down EOD suit, enters the room with his helmet, gas mask and headband clipped to his belt "guess the gene pool spat out a fluke this year"

He still smells of alcohol, but it's nowhere near as strong.

He looks at me. "You Asakura Ayano?"

I nod

"Well you probably know who I am, seeing as how you've read my notice" he says "let's get started on your first task as my apprentice"

That was fast.

I nod, a small smile on my lips

He smiles back and hands me a wad of cash "fetch me some sake"

* * *

 **Author's note:** and this is the longest chapter I've written thus far.

Fun fact: Ryoichi is the surname of a famous Japanese engineer famed for this work on various ww2 era Japanese planes (not the zero).


	6. Lizardpeople are (allegedly) amongst us

**Author's note:** Thanks for reading, I'm open to any ideas or advice and I'd love to hear what you all have to say. I'd like to improve my writing so I would appreciate any constructive criticism.

I'm basing the gas masks on the MCU-2/p mask

fun fact; Rotary encryption machines were something used during ww2 by pretty much everybody to send coded messages and the SIGABA is one of the best ever made (as far as we know; it hasn't been cracked yet, that's how good it is).

 **Disclaimer:** All rights to the Naruto franchise is owned by Kishimoto.

* * *

It's the end of my first year as Tomio-sensei's apprentice, and right now we're in the Crimson Cat, it's one of Tomio-sensei's favourite bars (and one of the dodgiest bars in the red light district, I'm also fairly sure it's secretly a brothel).He usually comes here to get drunk and chat up the women who work here and because I'm his apprentice, that means he usually drags me along with him (assuming he doesn't lock me in the workshop for the day with one of his equally maladjusted colleagues).

At the moment, he's chatting up a couple of workers while I'm doing some calculations for a project he's working on.

"…and that's how I got her as my apprentice" he says, finishing the 'heroic tale of how he allegedly rescued me from a pack of angry wolves thus earning my 'undying loyalty'

"Oh, that's so brave of you" says one of the girls clinging to his arm

"She's so lucky you were there" says the other

I finish the equation I'm working on.

"If you call accepting an apprentice so he could have an excuse to get out of getting deployed on missions 'brave' then yes he truly is a paragon of valour" I say sarcastically

"Quiet, you" he hisses at me

"And let's not forget the extra cash the village gives him for taking on an apprentice" I add

"Kid, I've got a hole inside of me that needs to be constantly filled with alcohol and self-delusion, just let me have this" he says to me

I sigh, nod and get working on another set of equations.

* * *

This is my second year with Tomio-sensei, he noticed that I was making really good progress as his apprentice and decided it was time I got some hands on experience.

To that end, he's got me working on repairing the stuff he gathered, it's nothing too complex, just regular household appliances. He says he "just found these by the side of the road" and thought it'd be a good idea to salvage them. Of course; he isn't going to fix any of them himself, he just dumps the work on me and while he goes off and gets drunk. (I'm not sure exactly where he keeps getting these, or who keeps throwing these things away, but somehow he keeps finding rubbish that just so happens to be repairable.)

The workshop is divided into several sections; each section besides this one (the general purpose section) is used for specialized work; they include the chemistry labs, the engraving room (to engrave seals on wood or metal), the machine shop and so on

This particular part of the workshop has a low ceiling, it's also cluttered and cramped with messy workstations and toolboxes everywhere, literal piles of parts (and rubbish) strewn about and tools (both hand and power tools) hanging from the ceiling or scattered around the area.

So here I am, in the workshop, loading a cart with clocks, toasters, radios and other stuff that I've finished repairing when Tomio-sensei stumbles into the workshop, this time the smell of alcohol is particularly strong, he's drunk to the point where he's barely functioning.

"Okay, got another batch of ise… isu…itms… junk for you to fix" he says, stumbling over his words as he empties the bag (roughly) on the table "Meanwhile I've got a bottle of sake with my name on it"

"I'm done with the first ones you gave me" I say pointing to the trolley

He nods and starts wheeling the cart out of the room while grabbing the bottle of sake he left on the table.

However, he's so drunk that he can't actually push the cart out of the door, after a couple of failed attempts to get it out of the room he gives up.

He sighs in frustration, takes a swing from his bottle and lets out a belch "Okay, give me a hand with this"

I nod and start helping him push the cart.

It took us half an hour to reach our destination, it's the mission desk.

"Here it is" he says to the guy sitting at the counter as he starts unloading the cart

The guy manning the counter nods and hands him a wad of cash "third D-rank this week, you're getting unusually hardworking"

"Just doing my bit for the village" Tomio-sensei says, very unconvincingly as he pockets the money "people can be so clumsy with their things"

Oh, I see what he's doing.

As he's walking away from the counter he notices me, he takes a second to process what he just did in front of me and responds appropriately; he facepalms.

"How much of that did you see?" he asks with his face in his hand

"All of it" I reply

He glances at me "what do you think is going on?"

"It looks like you're taking D-rank missions that involve fixing stuff for the villagers" I say in response "letting me do all the work and then cashing in when I'm done"

"It isn't what it looks like?" he offers innocently

I'm not buying it "It's exactly what it looks like, isn't it?"

He takes a couple of seconds to think of a response, then his eyes widen in realization and he smirks at me "but you didn't work on them did you?"

I look at him in confusion "Of course I did"

"Or so you claim" he says

"what are you…oh" I say as I realize exactly what he means, after all; who's going to believe me if I tell them I repaired all that junk? Nobody, I can't prove anything and it'd be my word against his.

"Come on, kid. You've got more stuff to do and I've got another mission to cash in later" he says winking at me.

* * *

It's my third year with Tomio-sensei. We're in one of the workshop's chemical labs, I'm supposed to get my own gas mask today. That's mostly because I'm going to start learning about poison gasses and explosives, specifically the ones used by the regular military and how to replicate and use them myself (for example; mustard gas and TNT).

He also told me to have a large breakfast. That alone is enough to tell me that he's up to something and that 'something' is going to come at my expense.

"Here's your mask" Tomio-sensei tells me as he hands me a gas mask that looks exactly like his but smaller. "Put in on"

I nod and strap in on my face, it's got a large single lens that covers most of my face, a facepiece that covers my nose and the lower half of my face, a single mount on one side for a filter canister, an exhale valve on the other side and another valve in the front. It's hot, airtight, uncomfortable and difficult to breathe in.

"How is it?" he asks me

"I can barely breathe, it's hot and it smells funny" I tell him, my voice muffled by the mask "can I take it off now?"

He smiles a little bit "You can try."

As I reach for the mask, I wonder why he said it like tha…Wait.

It's not coming off. I give it another tug, it's stuck.

"What did you do?" I ask, looking at him, though I think I know the answer.

"What do you think? I put superglue on the rim of the mask" he says with a smirk "It's my own personal blend so it won't come off for about twenty four hours no matter what you do"

"Is this so I can get used to wearing this?" I ask

"Well, there's that" he says "but it's also because my old master did the same to me and I swore I'd do the same to someone else" then his smirk widens "though it's mostly because I derive joy from your misery"

"How am I supposed to eat or drink?" I protest, the mask is muffling my voice, but it is noticeably louder than normal

"I told you to eat a big breakfast" he says cheerfully as he holds up a thin rubber tube "and there's a port in the front where you can stick this pipe in to use as a straw"

I sigh in defeat "Okay, fine I can deal with this for a day. What's on the agenda?"

He hands me a scroll filled with chores, and I immediately notice one thing these tasks all have in common; they all involve a lot of physical activity. Repairing the transmitter on a radio tower, climbing exercise, running exercise and various other activities that involve moving about in the hot sun for the rest of the day.

"I hate you" I grumble "I hate you so much"

"Yes, yes, go on, I feed off your antipathy" he says with a laugh "Normally I'd tell you to meet me in the Crimson Cat when you're done, but today; I'll be keeping an eye on you"

The worst part about this is that I knew he was planning something like this.

"By the way; you'll need this too" he says holding up a protective hood

"Not helping" I tell him, glaring at him (I'd frown but he wouldn't be able to see my mouth)

* * *

It's my fourth year as an apprentice, it was during this time that Tomio-sensei started my training on the basic jutsus, more specifically; the clone jutsu and the transformation jutsu. Every ninja of Konoha had to at the very least know those two if they wanted to graduate from the academy or finish their apprenticeship.

That included the support branches, even if we were not expected to join in the fight, we were still expected to pull off these techniques when needed (learning other jutsus and ones that could be used in combat were optional but recommended, especially for those in the medical corps who wanted to be deployed to the field).

Of course, being a non-combatant meant that I wasn't given any further taijutsu training beyond what was taught in the academy (which, for me; amounted to inelegant flailing), I still can't throw a kunai properly and shurikens are out of the question.

From what I've heard; the apprentices in the medical corps are now qualified paramedics, they know how to use the equipment in the hospital and are authorized to give medical diagnoses during emergencies. At the moment they're basically assistants to the regular doctors at the hospitals and are used to supplement the nurses.

It was also around this time when I was deemed competent enough to actually start working on stuff that was actually interesting, the kind of stuff used by the other ninja branches, they ranged from the medical equipment used in the hospital, to (rather primitive 8-bit) computers, to pretty much any form of (relatively) advanced technology.

Incidentally; I'm working on one of those things right now.

"…and make sure those gears are in sync" Tomio-sensei tells me

I grunt in acknowledgement, we're building a new set of cipher machines for the cryptanalysis division (they also pull double duty as the cryptography division, which explains why they seem to exist in a state of perpetual exhaustion).

It's like one of those rotor ciphers that were used to encrypt messages, but a lot more complex than anything I knew about from my past life and with modifications to make it more secure and durable. Sort of like SIGABA but more advanced.

Normally I wouldn't mind working on these, but for some reason the cryptanalysis division has ordered a new batch for the third time this month.

"Are the rotors in the right order?" he asks without looking away from his magazine. As is to be expected, it's the latest edition of his favourite porn magazine.

"Of course they are" I answer as I tighten one of the screws "why are we doing this anyway? This is the third time this month they've replaced their cipher machines"

"Because their division head is one of the most paranoid people in this village" Tomio-sensei says while turning to a new page "He seems to think there's some sort of clandestine organization plotting to bring about an era of peace by causing a huge continent spanning war…"

Okay, he's not wrong about that, if he knows about Akatsuki's plan then he may not be a paranoid lunatic after all.

"…and that this organization is headed by some sort of space alien lizard thing" Tomio-sensei continues.

Or then again; maybe he is.

"He also has it in his head that they've infiltrated the village; as a result he's taken to walking about with a tinfoil hat to block out their 'psychic genjutsu waves'" Tomio-sensei says with a chuckle "and the rest of the division is hardly any better, they've bought into his ravings; hook, line and sinker"

Okay, he's definitely a paranoid lunatic and he's dragged the rest of his division down with him.

"From what I know; they think the first set of machines have been compromised" Tomio-sensei finishes

"Why would they think that?" I ask him

"They found a mangled lizard in one of the gear assemblies" he replies

I move on to the rotor basket "What about the replacements we sent them?"

"They tried repairing the second set themselves" he answers, flipping to another page

I look up to glance at the schematics "How did it go?"

"Their idea of a 'surefire fix' was to shove a kunai in any gaps" he says "and to smother every last moving part with glue"

I pause in disbelief "Dare I ask; why?"

"They think the other branches of the village have been compromised, the engineering corps included" He says, his eyes glued to a double page pinup "I gave them very specific instructions so they could service the machines themselves, but they thought I was, and I quote; 'a vile reptilian infiltrator'" He said making quotations with his fingers "so they did the exact opposite of what I told them to do"

I continue working on the rotor basket "So some of our most important, top secret messages are in the care of loons who honestly believe that they're in a shadow war with alien reptiles?"

"Loons that are surprisingly good at their jobs" he says, glancing at me "You'll find that each of the village's ninja branches have their own quirks" he explains to me "the cryptanalysis division is filled with paranoid conspiracy theorists, the medical corps are a bunch of barely functional PTSD ridden wrecks, and so on"

"And we are?" I ask him as I finish work on the machine

"The ones voted 'most likely to abandon our comrades'" he says as he reaches for a magazine nearby and hands it to me "just read this"

It's one of those magazines focusing on ninjas and the hidden villages, somewhere in the second half are a series of polls about the ninjas of Konoha. Sure enough, right there in the bottom left corner of the page is a poll entitled 'most likely to abandon their comrades' apparently the engineering corps not only topped the poll, we were the only ones on the poll, there were literally no other candidates for this category.

"So, we're basically the village douches?" I ask

"And proud of it" he replies as he returns to his magazine

* * *

One hour later

I'm handing over these machines to a few people from the cryptanalysis division, there are about five people there, two of them apprentices to the older ones. I recognize one of them, it's that boy with an aunt in the division.

"Greetings, fellow warm blooded mammalians" I say, loudly, to the group.

The adults immediately tense up and start reaching for their tinfoil hats while their apprentices collectively facepalm.

A boy I recognize as my old classmate from the academy gives me a withering look "Don't encourage them"

I ignore him "We have completed work on your primitive encryption machines"

"Seriously; stop" he hisses

"These are the instructions from my overlord on how to maintain your new devices" I say as I hand them Tomio-sensei's instructions, this time he's trying reverse psychology and is advising them to do the opposite of everything they should.

"This is not an attempt at reverse psychology" I add "nor is this a suspiciously specific denial"

At this point the adults have their hats firmly on their heads and are sweating nervously

"To complete this transaction, kindly extend your forelimbs" I say as they jam their hats on tighter "that we may clasp extremities in a show of camaraderie popular amongst us primateoids"

"Okay, Ayano; we get it, we're a bunch of paranoid conspiracy theorists" the boy says "and you're an even bigger jerk than ever before, you can stop now"

"Yeah, you're only making it worse for us" a blonde girl around my age with swirl tinted glasses says to me

Wait a minute, I think I remember seeing a character like that in the later parts of the anime or the manga, my memory's fuzzy so I can't actually remember her name nor what she did or anything about her. So I decide to take a stab at the dark at a name I sort of remember, if I'm wrong; then this whole thing is ruined, but if I'm right, then they'll practically soil themselves.

"I apologize for my transgressions, Shiho-individual" I say, barely holding in my laughter

Suddenly everybody falls silent

"H…how do you know my name?" the girl stammers out

Holy crap. It worked. It actually worked.

Jackpot

I turn to her and pretend to look puzzled "Is it not obvious? I extracted it from your brain-flesh"

Now the adults and the girl are backing away slowly.

Then I look at the adults "With my psychic brain-flesh waves"

At this point, the adults turned and broke into a run, fleeing from the supposed "reptilian infiltrator" that could seemingly read minds

The boy looks at me "Uhh…okay, I'm not going to lie, Ayano; that's actually pretty creepy"

"She can't actually read minds…can she?" the girls asks him nervously

"Nah, it was just a lucky guess" I say, to be fair; it's not exactly a lie.

Tomio-sensei would be proud, though it now occurs to me that perhaps making him proud of me is not exactly a good thing.

* * *

This the final year of my apprenticeship, I've managed to gain some competence in the two mandatory jutsus and (under advice from Tomio-sensei) I'm reading up on how to form chakra threads, they're an important aspect when it came to combining chakra with technology, mostly because they're the only way to activate seals engraved on wood or metal.

I've also started building a puppet, not one of those regular puppets, but a ninja puppet. One I could stuff full of traps, hidden weapons, and anything else that would fit. As it turns out there are indeed several scrolls in the library that not only touch on the art of ninja puppetry but also give instructions on how to build basic ones (and they were all copies of the puppets used by rookie puppeteers from the village hidden in the sand).

The workshop had plenty of raw materials and spare parts I could scavenge so I had plenty to work with.

One thing I'm hoping to learn sooner or later is the puppet technique, thankfully; there are scrolls for that, but they're in the restricted section and are only available to those who've become an official genin of Konoha.

I've also recently been authorized to learn how to make the "secret" gadgets, gasses and explosives used by the engineering corps. They're a cut above the kind used by the regular military and are only available to the ninjas of the village and those in the military who've been given access to our stuff.

This is also the point where Tomio-sensei started teaching me the remainder of what I needed to know, this mostly involved a series crash courses on the kinds of seals the engineering corps uses.

It's going to be a good long while before I can actually incorporate let alone use seals in anything I make, but he wanted to give me an introduction to it. From what he told me, this form of seal making first came from the Land of Sky but we basically stole it from them and reverse engineered everything we could salvage.

It required a lot of time to make (making engravings on metal is not easy) but allowed us to subvert a lot of rules leading to stuff like electrical mines triggered by vibrations that could disintegrate people or even chakra powered death rays. It basically meant that with the right knowhow we could create "chakrapunk" technology.

Right now, however, I'm being taught how to make the village's most popular explosive.

Tomio-sensei pulls out a green rectangular bar about a foot in length and about an inch thick.

"This is what we call a plastic explosive" he says as he takes out a knife and makes a cut in the bar, exposing what looks like white coloured plasticine "This particular type of explosive is one developed in, and used exclusively by the village, we call it; 'blaze'"

He peels off the green wrapper and squishes the 'blaze' in his hands.

"Like all plastic explosives, it can be hand moulded" he says as he rolls it up into a ball "unlike most other kinds of plastic explosives used by the regular military, 'it's poisonous to touch, so it's best to use gloves when handling it" he continues, pressing the ball into a cube like shape "It carries a much higher yield than most other kinds of explosives; this single block alone can level this entire workshop and even do a fair bit of damage to a couple of nearby buildings if it were to go off" Then he throws it towards me.

I yelp and duck as it hits the wall behind me and sticks there.

He lets out a chuckle "It's a relatively stable substance, you can drop it or even set fire to it and it won't explode" he goes to peel it off the wall "You'd have to expose it to a decent amount of heat and physical shock at the same time, a certain amount of electricity or the right amount of chakra" he says as he wraps the 'blaze' back up "this kind of versatility is what makes this our go-to solution for all our demolitions based needs"

"So it's like TNT, but for ninjas" I say, glancing at the block of 'blaze' in his hands.

"It's more like what we'd get if Napalm and TNT had an unwanted baby from a one night stand and put the thing through the foster care system to be raised by every sort of poisonous gas in existence" he replies "Upon detonation, this stuff will release a cloud of toxic fumes and create a short lived fireball "

He turns to look at me "long story short; never be anywhere nearby when this stuff goes off"

"Of course, for security reasons; we can't mass produce this in one of the chemical plants in the cities" he says as he puts the 'blaze' down and pulls out a trolley full of canisters

"Which means that we've got to produce it ourselves" he says as he begins unloading the trolley "that's where you come in"

I sigh, as usual, he wants to use me to do the stuff he doesn't want to do.

"I need more 'blaze' but I can't be bothered to do it myself" he tells me as he pulls out a bunch of scrolls and unfurls them on the table in front of me. "Also I got paid by some of the other engineers to supply them with a few blocks each, so that's another thing you've got to do"

The scrolls contain (among other things) a step by step guide to making 'blaze' and other types of explosives.

"Better put that gas mask of yours on, some of this stuff can liquefy your lungs in seconds if you breathe them in" he continues, motioning to the canisters "and as usual; protective clothing is a must. You probably don't want to end up like Mr. Meowface"

I shake my head. That poor cat never stood a chance, it was dissolved into a smelly black slime that later dried into a funny smelling smear. (Sheer laziness meant that it never got cleaned up, and seeing as how the workshop floor is practically covered with similar smelling smears; it probably never will)


	7. Eldritch gods of the porcelain throne

**Disclaimer:** The Naruto franchise is owned by Kishimoto

 **Author's note:** Sorry for the delays, I had to rethink some parts of this chapter (and the stuff I want to write in future chapters). I based some jokes off various DIY repair job pictures I found online, you can Google "redneck sink repair" if you want a general idea of what I'm talking about. Also special thanks to "Blackadder" and "the IT crowd" for a number of the jokes in this chapter.

* * *

For those of us in the support branches who were ready to complete our apprenticeships, we had to pass an exam. It was held in one of the examination halls about a month before the exams for the ninja academy.

It had some similarities to the academy's exam (we were told it was quite lenient compared to what the students from the academy would go through); we needed to show that we could perform the basic jutsus, knew some self-defence techniques, and so on.

The part of the exam that was more relevant to our skills was the part where we had to apply what we learned over the past five years, for example; the ones in the medical corps had to heal a fish and I had to disarm, disassemble and reassemble a series of complicated traps. There was also the written part of the exam, which covered every aspect of our respective roles in the village.

I (barely) managed to scrape through with a pass when it came to the jutsus and the physical parts of the exam but the other parts of the exam went relatively smoothly.

We were given our headbands as we left the room and (for the branches with uniforms) told to meet our respective masters to collect our uniforms the next day and to get our 'ninja ID' made.

Dad and Ayame were ecstatic, and so was I. Sure I'd gone through graduation several times across two lifetimes at this point, but this is one of the few times where repetition does not breed banality. We had a small celebration at home that evening, just like the one we had when Ayame graduated from the civilian academy. Tomio-sensei even dropped by (to mooch off some free cake), I tried to invite Kenji and Mugen over but they were both sick, apparently they were trying (and failing) to walk on water and eventually they caught a cold (the river water is surprisingly chilly this time of year). Naruto came over for a bowl of ramen and since he was our best customer (and one of the few people in my age group that I haven't antagonized), we offered him a slice of cake.

All that happened earlier today, the party wound down and hour ago and we're preparing for bed.

I'm supposed to meet tomio-sensei at the workshop tomorrow, he said I'd be getting my own set of protective gear. Apparently, the engineering corps had a uniform regulation and it doubled as a form of protection against chemicals and other hazards.

* * *

The next day

"Wear these over your regular clothes" Tomio sensei says as he hands me a set of clothes that match the colour scheme of his EOD suit. In the set is something that looks like a winter coat, a pair of thick long trousers, a pair of gloves and a pair of boots.

I nod and begin putting the clothes on. Even with my everyday clothes, these actually fit quite well, but they were heavy and would probably get hot after a while.

"Get used to wearing them, you're required to have these on whenever you're on duty" he says "safety standards need to be met no matter how much of a bother they are"

"So I've got to wear this all day?" I ask, I've been wearing these for about a minute or two at this point and already they're starting to feel warm and uncomfortable

"Yes, you do, besides you're going to wear something like this someday" he says gesturing to his outfit "and it's much heavier than what you've got on now"

Somehow the thought of having to wear something like that makes me appreciate my new outfit just a little bit more.

"Now that we've got that out of the way, you'd better hurry up with your ID we've got some work to do" he says as he shows me a stack of forms, they're work orders from the hospital "and we're swamped with repair orders"

Konoha's engineering corps is very small compared to the other branches of service and its common knowledge that we're overworked and critically understaffed (that's mostly our fault, we keep pushing away new recruits).

Work tends to pile up and some of the others have taken to living in the workshop 24/7 just to save time, they work, sleep and eat here, some of them never leave the workshop. That lady working on a computer over there has literally never set foot outside this building for the past two months.

To be fair, the workshop may be cramped, cluttered, dingy and messy but we've gone out of our way to make it habitable; the emergency showers have hot water and curtains, there are a few fridges around (we don't label the food, it'd just get stolen anyhow), we've managed to salvage a few washing machines and dryers, the basement we use for storage also has a bunch of hammocks and sleeping bags, along with anything a shut in needs to have a home away from home.

I nod, get up and start heading to the administrative buildings.

* * *

A few days later

Now that I'm allowed to go on D rank missions, Tomio-sensei suggested I take one on, just to get some experience with them.

D rank missions aren't exactly glamourous but they're simple and serve well as side jobs in between fulfilling work orders, in this case; I've got a mission to help repair someone's toilet.

Unfortunately, this particular toilet just so happens to belong to one of the village's (worryingly numerous) technophobes.

"It's cursed I tell you!" he says while pointing to the outhouse

"Just let me have a look at it" I reply

"It'll steal your soul!" he says as I walk away "it almost stole mine"

The outhouse in question is covered in paper talismans, some of them are holding the door shut. I still need to get to the toilet so I begin to peel them off…

"You'll doom us all!" he calls out

I ignore him and yank the door open, sure enough the toilet itself is covered in paper talismans, the plunger next to it is relatively untouched, while almost everything else has at least one of these talismans stuck somewhere.

A quick check of the toilet shows that it's clogged. Thankfully the water is clean and by the looks of things he hasn't actually "done any business" with the toilet so that's a plus, which leaves another question; what's clogging the pipe?

I decide to worry about that later and just get this over with, so I pick up the plunger and begin clearing up the pipe.

It took less than a minute to clear up the blockage, as I remove the plunger from the bowl I notice a few scraps of paper with black smudges on them float to the surface. Judging by everything else I've seen so far, I think I know what this paper was for.

"You flushed a bunch of paper talismans down the toilet did you?" I ask as I approach him

"Of course I did" he says in response "How else was I supposed to ward off its eldritch influence?"

I take a breath and prepare to give him a talk on exactly how a toilet is supposed to work, then it hits me; maybe it'd be easier to work with his delusions rather than trying to educate him.

"That's not how you appease the dark gods of the sewage pipes" I tell him, I hope this works

"Dark gods of the sewage pipes?" he repeats "I knew those things were evil"

"These talismans, they're no good on their own" I continue "they need something else added to them…"

"What is it?" he asks, engrossed in my 'lesson'

"Faeces or Urine" I reply

"Really?" he asks me, a look of disbelief on his face

"Are you seriously going to question the inner workings of the strange inhuman minds of the beings known only as the U-bends?" I ask him "if these otherworldly beings are appeased by poop and paper talismans then who are we to question them?"

"Good point" he replies

I nod solemnly "whenever you 'do your business' with the toilet, just wipe yourself with a talisman or two and flush them down"

"This seems like sacrilege…" he says

I look at him with a serious expression "Sometimes you need to desecrate a few holy icons to fight evil"

He nods in understanding, it looks like he's actually falling for it.

"Anyway, you should use no more than three at a time or they might get annoyed and try to rip your soul clean out of your body" I finish

"You mean like what happened earlier?" he asks

"Exactly. By the looks of things, you barely escaped their wrath the first time" I tell him "If you want to appease the eldritch gods of the sewage disposal system, just follow my advice to the letter"

"Got it, wipe myself with a talisman, then flush it" he says "but no more than three at one go"

I nod. Sometimes it's better to work with the stupidity rather than trying to work against it.

* * *

The next day

Another day another repair order, this time I'm supposed to repair a backup radio antenna. It was damaged a few days ago when a couple of ninjas were chasing down a thief and decided to use the antenna as part of their trap. The trap failed and the antenna was damaged beyond repair.

The antenna in question wasn't particularly important, it was a backup for several other backups. This meant that it was the very last in line to be used, and would only be activated if every other antenna failed, and considering there are no less than eight other backups, that wasn't a very likely scenario.

Unfortunately, it was so low on anybody's list of priorities that nobody bothered to keep a stock of replacement parts for this particular antenna. However that didn't stop the admins from ordering us to repair this regardless of whether or not we even had the spare parts for it in the first place. (That's our 'official' story, in truth; some of the other engineers used the funds that were set aside for replacement parts to buy stuff to make a moonshine still)

So now I find myself with a slight problem on my hands; I need to replace this, but I don't have anything to replace it with. This means that I have to jury-rig something to work as an antenna to get the admins off our backs while we wait for an actual replacement. (That will probably never come)

The good news is I have duct tape, if there is one thing that can solve any problem in existence it is duct tape. I know from my past life that duct tape was used for pretty much anything, be it to repair a wheel or hold together some equipment on a space mission. It doesn't matter what the problem is; just slap some duct tape on it, and it's good as new.

I still needed something to act as an antenna so I decided to ask the lady who lives nearby if I could "borrow but probably never return" a few wire hangers, preferably ones that were already broken.

"Why would you even need a bunch of clothes hangers anyway?" she asks me

"I told you, it's to fix that antenna" I say pointing to the roof where the antenna is supposed to be

"Why would you need hangers to repair a radio antenna?" she asks "How would that even work anyway?"

"Metal wires are just really good at picking up radio waves" I reply "and duct tape can make anything work" I say brandishing a roll to tape

"Anything?" she asks

"Pretty much" I say

"How about this" she says with a grin "Help me fix my sink, and I'll give you a few spare hangers, deal?"

I sigh "okay, fine, let me have a look at it"

She lets me in and shows me her sink, its own of those double bowl sinks. It looks fine, on the outside anyway. Then I open the door of the sink cabinet to have a look at the piping. I can see the problem.

"There's a crack in the drainage pipe for the bowl on the side" I tell her

The pipe connecting the side basin from the main drainage pipe has a large gash in it, but the rest of the pipes are fine.

"I know that" she replies "just fix it"

I don't have any replacement pipes, but I really need those hangers. Wait a minute, I have duct tape and junk, there is nothing that is truly beyond repair if enough junk and duct tape can be thrown at it.

"You wouldn't happen to have a few plastic drink bottles would you?" I ask

She nods and hands me a few.

I take one of them, unscrew the cap, cut a small hole into the base of the bottle and set it on the floor. Then I remove the broken pipe, leaving an L- pipe behind, then I side the bottle onto the L-pipe through the hole I made

"What do you think you're doing?" she asks

"Improvising" I reply

Thankfully the bottle is long enough to reach the main drainage pipe.

I take the rim of the bottle and slot it into the connector for the main drainage pipe (the bottle had to be crumpled a bit, but it should be fine) and duct tape the two of them together.

"Okay, give it a try" I tell her.

She glances at me in doubt but tries it anyway

The water flows down the drain and into the bottle, after pooling near the front for a short while it begins flowing into the main pipe without any leaks.

"At least it works" she mumbles

"Just get a real plumber to take a look at this" I reply "can I have the hangers now?"

* * *

One hour later

"What am I looking at?" the radio operator asks me

"We've been over this; it's a monument to human ingenuity" I say in response

"It looks like a pile of junk" he says

"It's also that" I reply

He's talking about the makeshift antenna I installed, it's made out of wire hangars and a bunch of other stuff I managed to find lying about (mostly from the dumpster nearby). I managed to twist the junk I cobbled together into something resembling an antenna and hold the mass of refuse together with a combination of duct tape, spit, chewing gum and positive thinking.

Unsurprisingly; this horrendous mishmash of rubbish also happens to be hideously ugly.

"I asked you to repair the antenna" he tells me "not replace it with the contents of the nearest rubbish bin"

"It works, doesn't it?" I protested "besides, I only used half the stuff I found in the bin, I got the other half from that lady down the street"

"That is beside the point" he says "just look at it"

Somehow the more I look at it, the worse of an eyesore it becomes. The good news is, as of this point; it's someone else's problem.

"I fail to see the problem" I say

"Kid, I live over there" he says, pointing to the building opposite the antenna "that's my apartment right over there" he continues, moving his finger to point at an apartment facing the antenna "I'm going to have to wake up every morning to that" he says as he glances over to the antenna (and shudders a bit)

"I was ordered to fix an antenna not produce a work of art" I reply "besides, I'm not paid enough to care what people think about it, so long as it works as intended"

"Can't you at least cover it with a tarp?" he asks, frowning a bit.

"Okay, fine" I reply as I walk off to look for some cloth.

* * *

The next day

The hospital put in a repair order for some of their equipment so here I am, looking at one of the machines they use to monitor a patient's chakra and vitals. In this world, apparently; pseudoscientific homeopathy seems to have the same amount of influence and legitimacy as actual modern medicine based on scientific evidence. (Okay, so chakra exists in this world, but that doesn't exactly prove anything about alternative medicine as a whole)

These machines fulfil a niche role (ninjas being one of the few groups that need to have their chakra levels monitored when undergoing medical treatment) and thus require unique parts that are not in mass production (security is also a major concern) or parts that have seals engraved or etched on them. This means that we have to buy most of the other parts, manufacture the specialized parts ourselves and assemble it in the village workshop. As a result; they're not only expensive they also take a while to build.

I recognize this particular machine because I helped put it together a few months back. This is also notable for being one of the pieces of equipment that we idiot-proofed when it became obvious that the hospital staff were submitting far more repair orders than usual.

As I'm taking apart the covers and examining the internals, my old classmate; that girl who has an uncle in the medical corps is monitoring my progress, she's a full blown medical-nin now.

"What's wrong with it?" she asks me

"Nothing" I say

"Come again?" she says, frustrated.

"For once; you guys haven't somehow managed to completely destroy our handiwork" I reply "have you try turning it off and on again?"

"That's your first answer to literally every problem we have" she answers "furthermore; it won't even turn on"

Then a man in a medical-nin uniform walks in, he's one of the doctors that are on duty. He looks proud and confident, a far cry from the sobbing doctors curled in fetal positions that I passed in the hallway on the way here (it seems as though at least some of the medical-nin weren't PTSD ridden wrecks).

"It's been on the fritz ever since we moved it to a different room" he says as he gives it a whack "shoddy workmanship, if you ask me"

As one of the engineers who worked on this thing, I take personal offence to that.

"Okay, first off; it's probably because someone in the hospital mucked about with it" I say with a frown "secondly; we've literally told you guys thousands of times to never attempt to fix something by hitti…"

I trail off as I realize something; didn't he say they moved it to a different room?

"You said you guys moved this?" I ask

He raises an eyebrow "Yeah, I mentioned that earlier"

"Did you, by any chance, remember to plug this back in?" I ask

He opens his mouth and raises a finger to respond and then he visibly deflates "uhh…no?"

"That, right there is your problem" I say as I plug the machine into the nearest electrical outlet.

Sure enough, the machine begins to power up, I give the display a once over and turn to the doctor.

"Give it a go" I tell him

He nods and tests the machine.

A minute later he turns to me and coughs nervously "err…yes its working just fine"

I sigh "All right, now that we've resolved that incredible display of ineptitude, let's move on the next"

"Okay, you can't blame us for this one" he says "do you remember those computers you guys gave us a few days back?"

"Go on" I say motioning him to continue

"Well, when we turned them on we got stuck on the first screen" he says as he points to one of the computers "it said 'to continue press any ke…'"

"I think I know what's going on here" I reply, cutting him off "you couldn't find the 'any' key"

"Exactly" he barks out "You guys forgot to put in the one key we needed to access the computer!"

I sigh, walk over to the computer and turn it on.

It powers up and stops at the screen he was talking about.

He points to the computer "see the problem?"

I glare at him "Oh yes, I'm looking at it right now" without taking my eyes off him, I extend my index finger and press a random key on the keyboard.

The computer begins booting up.

He glances at the screen sheepishly "Oh…so when it said 'any' key it literally meant any key"

"We idiot proofed this as much as we could, we even rigged the power button so it'd boot up the computer if it was used on this screen" I tell him "but it seems as though a certain couple made a better idiot"

"Alright, Ayano we get it; we screwed up, you can stop now" she says with a glare

"I can fix a lot of things, but I can't fix stupid" I continue, ignoring her "and just because I can fix what stupid does, it doesn't mean that I should have to" I finish

"Can we just skip the part where you verbally abuse us and get to the part where you leave?" the girl says as she glares at me

"Fine by me" I reply

* * *

About two weeks later

The academy is supposed to have its exam in a few days, for those of us who aren't involved, this means one thing; gambling. So far, the most popular betting pools are the ones involving the team compositions and which teams will actually pass the test their potential jonin instructors will give them. I've got no concerns other than betting on the ones I know for a fact will pass.

Which has me thinking; here I am with knowledge of events that will happen over the course of the next few years; I know of the Akatsuki, Orochimaru, and other things that will almost certainly come to pass.

Imagine being in a position where not only do you know the future, you're also in a position to change it, presumably for the better. Imagine what a person like that'd be able to do, all the lives they could save, the things they could change, they could go off and fix everything, set right what went (or rather; will go) wrong.

This is the exact same position I find myself in right now, I may not be directly in the thick of it, but I am close enough to influence events, perhaps even stop the worst of it from…HAH, not likely.

Changing the events of the 'story' to such a degree requires someone who's willing to put their lives on the line, someone who's smart, strong, selfless and brave enough to willingly go up against the myriad variety of threats this madcap universe can (and will) throw at them. It needs someone "chosen by destiny" or whatever kind of flowery, poetic claptrap fits the theme. It needs someone willing to go through hell and back. In short; it's going to take a far better person than I could even hope to be to actually go out and change the 'plot'.

I don't know what kind of person would go out and willingly put themselves at risk to change fate for the better, but if they truly do exist; then I salute them (I mean this sincerely) and their complete lack of a sense of self-preservation (okay, maybe I wasn't all that sincere after all)

For the rest of us, myself included, the most we can hope to do is to stay alive and try to make a bit of cash. And seeing as how I'm talking to the bookie at the Crimson Cat, that is something I intend to do right now.

There's a betting pool on the academy graduates, or more specifically; who'll get passed by their jonin instructor and who won't.

Some would call what I'm doing "selfish", "irresponsible" or even "a blatant and disgusting display of cheating" but I prefer to call it "making use of the resources at my disposal for my own personal benefit". Besides, we're essentially a village of sellswords, since when was "honesty and integrity" part of the job description? (Actually, looking at history both from my past life and my current one, ninjas, mercenaries and so on were oftentimes far more "honourable" than knights and samurai, both of whom became infamous for backstabbing and betraying each other)

The bookie's explaining to me why I can't bet on Ino, Shikamaru and Choji being on the same team. I tried betting on them and Asuma, but he cut me off just as I was about to finish.

"It's the 'Ino-Shika-Cho' trio, those clans pop out a team or two every generation" he says "personally; I think it's too convenient to be a coincidence, if you know what I mean" he finishes with a wink "you can still bet on their team number and instructor if you want"

I snicker and nod "okay, so how about this; Hyuuga Hinata, Inuzuka Kiba and Aburame Shino, in team 8 led by Yuhi Kurenai"

"Okay" he says as he writes down their names "anything else?"

"Just one" I say "Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura and Uchiha Sasuke, in team 7 led by Hatake Kakashi"

"Risky gamble, that one" he tells me "Kakashi's infamous for having failed every team that came his way, why would this be any different?"

"Just a feeling" I reply as I hand over my money

"Your loss kid" he finishes

I really hope the butterfly effect isn't going to take hold, after all; I'm going all in with this bet.

* * *

A few days later

As it turns out; the butterfly effect isn't as wide reaching as those philosophers think it is.

The bookies collected bets from all over the village and this betting pool was particularly popular. The prize money would be divided amongst the winners, the more variables you included, the greater the reward. Considering the fact I went into a surprising amount of detail regarding no less than three teams, which meant that I managed to walk away with a nice fat sack of cash.

Whomever it was that claimed that "cheaters never prosper" was only telling a half-truth; cheaters who get caught and can't explain themselves never prosper. Cheaters who either never get caught or have the benefit of plausible deniability always prosper.

The bookie gave me a weird look as he handed over the money, but as far as he knows; I won my share fair and square.

Now I'm walking back home with a small fortune. Some might turn their nose up at what I'm doing, but I like to think I'm just doing what anyone with even a rudimentary sense of self-preservation would do.

* * *

The next day

Dad's sick and needs bedrest so Ayame and I will be minding the shop for the next few days, normally I'd be fulfilling work orders at the workshop, but a family member being sick is a legitimate reason to take a few days off.

I admit, it's nice not having to listen to mouth-breathers explain how they manged to wreck the machines we give them despite us idiot proofing said machines to a ridiculous degree. It's almost as if the other branches of service in the village have no respect for the hard work and care that goes into building these machines.

The shop is fairly popular so we usually get a decent stream of customers. Ayame's went out to buy ramen ingredients, which means I'm working the counter at the moment and as it turns out, team 8 decided to have ramen for lunch.

"…hopefully she won't be the one behind the counter tod... dang" Kiba sighs as he takes a seat

"Welcome to Ichiraku ramen" I say "what'll it be?"

"The usual" Shino replies

I nod and begin preparing the food.

"More grunt work?" I ask

They nod, fresh genin aren't actually trusted to actually do anything more complex than everyday chores and from what I've heard; some genin can't even be trusted to weed a garden properly (it involved laziness and a can of flammable oil)

"Don't worry" I tell them as I finish preparing the bowls of ramen "it's only a matter of time before they toss you to the wolves and the medical corps are decent at their jobs"

"You know, just because most genin end up as casualties doesn't mean we will" kiba growls "I mean; we aren't getting hospitalized in our first year, nor ever for that matter"

That's what you think.

"Hope springs eternal, Kiba" I reply as I begin serving the food "just know this; I don't think any of you'll get killed"

His eyes widen a bit "that's a surprisingly nice thing for you to say"

"But I do think you'll each get horrendously injured sooner or later" I finish "it's almost a guarantee, I might actually bet on it. There's a betting pool for this kind of stuff, you know"

"And you're back to being a asshole" he says as he starts eating

"I just said that I think the three of you will probably survive, just with horrific injuries" I reply "how is that not a vote of confidence?"

He glares at me "it's not a very good one"

"That's because I barely have any confidence in any of you" I respond

Then I feel a slap on the back of my head, Ayame's back and she just gave me a dope slap.

"Ow" I groan "hey"

Ayame is frowning at me "I've told you a million times: be nice to the customers"

I hear snickering from the counter, I guess I sort of deserved that.

* * *

Two hours later

Ayame went out to get more groceries, I'm still minding the store when Kenji, Mugen and a purple haired girl with a sword strapped to her back enter.

When a number of kids left in their third or fourth year, they had to shuffle the classes about so they could compensate for those who left and from what I know, Kenji and Mugen were put in a different class after I started my apprenticeship.

To be fair; I didn't think they could pass the jonin test on top of the academy's exam, but somehow they manged to get through both.

Kenji hasn't changed much, he still looks rather scruffy and smells of fish, while Mugen looks even more like a girl now than he did a few years back. (I admit; that makes me feel a bit insecure)

"Hey Ayano" Kenji says as he, Mugen and the purple haired girl take a seat.

Hold on, I recognize her; she used to be one of those pint sized sociopaths. Is she really on a team with Kenji and Mugen?

"Who's the new girl?" I ask, I never really got her name.

"Name's Ishikawa Yuki" she says with a smile "we hung out once, remember"

"How could I forget?" I say as I narrow my eyes "what with you and those lunatics you call 'friends' almost killing me"

"And you hid behind that old guy" she says, laughing "we had a really good time as kids didn't we?"

"No we didn't, you crazed, bloodthirsty psychopath" I spit out "you almost got me killed"

"Good times, good times" She says with a smile "never change, Ayano"

Of course, she (and presumably the other ex-pint-sized sociopaths) still thinks that my constantly insulting them is a sign that I somehow like them. The mental gymnastics required to come to this conclusion must be truly amazing.

"I suppose the two of you want the usual?" I ask them. They nod.

I turn to look at Yuki "and you?"

"BBQ pork ramen" she says

"Okay" I say as I begin preparing their meals.

Then a jonin with what looks like a hook for a left hand walks in, he looks like a serial killer. I know most ninjas are technically serial killers or are enablers of said serial killers, but at least they have the decency to look normal.

I begin reaching for the kunai that all genin (or ninjas of equivalent rank) were required to carry around at all times.

"Okay kids, ready for your mission briefing?" he says as he takes a seat

"You bet" chirps Mugen

Wait a minute. I pause.

Don't tell me "He's your jonin instructor?" I ask

"Yup" the three of them say in unison

"The guy who looks like the murder-psycho in every slasher movie ever is the same one you'll be following into the woods during missions?" I continue

"Come on Ayano, Iori-sensei's the coolest guy I know" Yuki says

"So the serial killer to be is vouching for an actual serial killer" I reply "why am I not surprised?"

"Just give him a chance" she replies

"Eh, fine by me" I say "I'm not the one he's going to disembowel anyhow"

"Is seafood ramen on the menu?" he says as he takes a seat

"Coming right up" I reply as I being preparing his order, if we were to turn away customers with a body count, we'd go out of business pretty quickly

"As I was saying; here's your mission briefing" he says as I continue preparing the food "we've got a C-rank mission to bring a sacred Idol to a temple" he continues "It's made of solid gold so they're expecting bandits, in fact; there are no less than six bandit gangs making a play for this idol" he looks at the scroll "we'll be going off first thing tomorrow morning"

Hold on second, did he say C-rank? They're fresh out of the academy, what are were they thinking giving these three a C-rank mission.

"Wait, the three of you've only recently graduated, why are you going on C-ranks?" I ask them as I continue working on the order

"Because Iori-sensei believes in trials by fire" Kenji answers

"This isn't a trial by fire, it's a suicide mission" I reply

"Hey, that's exactly what the mission desk ninjas said" mugen tells me

"All in a day's work for Team Totally Disposable" yuki says "that's what they called us when they were assigning us to our teams"

Amazing; they don't even realize that they're basically being thrown to their deaths.

"What about the months of training?" I ask as I finish preparing their orders

"Training? Hah" Iori says with a bark of laughter "They're part of the 'two day squad' they don't need training"

"That's not how it works" I say, then I realize something "wait, the 'two day squad' what's that supposed to mean?"

"That's what the mission desk guys call us" he answers "it's probably because the average life expectancy for a genin in my team is two days"

I look at him in horror. Two days?

"How many genin squads have you led?" I ask, I don't think I'll like the answer

"Four, not including this lot over here" says motioning to the three of them

"And how many of them are still alive?" I ask as I begin serving the food

"None" he says me as he takes the bowl, he sounds far too cheerful about this little titbit of information

The three of them don't seem to care about the fact that they'll be dead in about two days, they look as happy as ever as I give them their bowls.

I turn towards Kenji and Mugen "It's been nice knowing you two, you've been good friends, and I'm sorry I haven't told you this sooner" I tell them "food's on the house"

"Thanks, Ayano" Kenji says, grinning

"That's the nicest thing you've ever done for us" Mugen adds with a smile on his face

I shake my head and give them a small, sad smile "don't get used to it; this'll probably be the last time I do this"

"That's quite sweet of you" Yuki says with a grin

"I'd _like_ to say it's been nice knowing you" I say as I glare daggers at her "but that would be a complete and utter lie" I continue "As far as I'm concerned; the sooner you end up on Konoha's memorial stone, the sooner I can celebrate"

She laughs while Kenji and Mugen join in "That's a good one, Ayano. Never change" she says as she continues laughing.

How she managed to interpret that as a friendly joke, I will never know.

My glare hardens "I wasn't being friendly…" Then I feel another quick slap on the back of my head. "Ow, hey"

Ayame cut me off with a dope slap "Seriously, sis?" she says, glaring at me "Seriously?"

Yuki glances up at us "Come on, she was just joking"

I turn to glare at her "I wasn't joking you crazy bit…OW!" Ayame cut me off with another (noticeably harder) dope slap.

Ayame looks angry this time "We'll talk about this later" I gulp, she's scary when she's angry.

* * *

Two weeks later

It's been a couple of weeks since Team Totally Disposable left on their mission. They're probably all dead by now. To be fair, I knew that this was an inevitability, statistics don't lie. I just thought that I'd have more time with Kenji and Mugen, they're some of my only friends.

I left some flowers for them at the memorial for them during the third day. The look on Ino's face when she realized that I was buying flowers to leave at the memorial was priceless, but I couldn't bring myself to appreciate it. She didn't think it was even possible for me to care about anyone bar myself and she certainly didn't think I was even capable of politeness.

Needless to say; I was in a terrible mood for the past couple of weeks.

I did my work in silence, acted and talked politely and generally became a better person, if only by virtue of not having neither the will nor the energy to be a compete jerk.

Just yesterday I had to repair some more of their equipment and that girl from the medical corps had to monitor me again she was bracing for another round of "watch one of the village's resident jerkasses lash out at everything and the kitchen sink" only to get polite and professional service.

Anyone even remotely familiar with the engineering corps knew that that was not normal behaviour for us. That girl thought I was sick and tried to give me a check-up.

Today I'm fixing one of the mechanisms for one of the village's gates. I'm pretty much done, all that's left to do is to give it a once over.

Then I notice four figures walking towards the gate, one of them is covered head to toe in what looks like blood and gore. Okay, screw this, I'm out of here, let the guards handle this.

As I begin to run off and fetch the guards I take a second look at the approaching group.

My eyes widen in disbelief. Holy crap. I can't believe it.

It's Team Totally Disposable

They're alive.

My face brightens as I rush out to meet them.

"Hey, guys, welcome back" I call out "I thought you were all dead"

"Of course they're not dead, why would they be?" their instructor says as I shake Kenji and Mugen's hands while they look on in puzzlement

Then I turn to Yuki, she's covered in blood and viscera and smells of rotting flesh.

My cherry expression gives way to disappointment "too bad about you, though"

"Huh?" she responds with confusion "but I'm fine"

"And therein lies the problem" I reply glaring at her

She laughs and claps me on the back as we all walk through the gate together. As we're walking they're telling me what happened during their mission.

As was to be expected, they were attacked by bandits but the team managed to fight them off. Yuki basically charged at them, swinging her sword about like the murder obsessed maniac she is while kenji provided backup with his (albeit rather limited set of) jutsus and Mugen tossed kunais and shurikens about in the general direction of the bandits. Of course; being genin, they needed their sensei to help them through most of the fight.

Nevertheless I am glad that Kenji and Mugen managed to return alive, but it looks like I'm going to have to get used to Yuki. Oh well, you win some you lose some.

She may have tried to kill me as part of some childish game a few years back, but if she's going to be on the same team with Kenji and Mugen, then I'm going to have to learn to like her. To be fair; she helped keep these two alive so maybe I'll sort of forgive her for attempting to murder me.

* * *

 **Author's note:** Thanks for reading, If you've got any advice, ideas or anything I'd love to hear them and I am thankful for any feedback given.


	8. Conscription is never fun

**Author's note:** This chapter took a while (far longer than any other), but I finally got around to finishing it after a rewrite or two. I'd like to thank those who've commented on the previous chapter, it helps, it really does.

Someone suggested I write a chapter with the land of waves, I watched that arc again and thought that there is fun to be had and so here we are (admittedly, I wasn't sure whether or not I should of gone down this route but eventually I decided that there was potential for humour in that arc)

At first I wanted to write a chapter that had something to do with combustible lemons and the pettiness of the nobility, but maybe that'll be in a later chapter. (Special thanks to 'Portal'")

I'd also like to thank "I have no mouth and I must scream" for the joke in the beginning of this chapter. (Harlon Ellison, the writer of said story, was a great choice for the voice of AM, if you don't mind the bleak setting, I suggest reading it, it's a classic and for good reason)

 **Disclaimer:** Shonen Jump and Kishimoto own the rights to Naruto

* * *

We're back at the ramen store and team Totally Disposable are chatting amongst themselves while I'm getting their orders ready (their sensei went off to handle their mission reports). Dad and Ayame went out for groceries so that means I won't get any dope slaps for a while.

I'm not sure how the three of them can eat while Yuki is covered in the festering remains of their foes, but something tells they don't have the mental capacity to process more than one emotional response at the same time so they just default to whatever makes them happier.

Even if it means ignoring the smell and sight of rotting flesh.

Just as I'm serving them their meals another team enters the shop, its team 7. Sakura is frowning, Naruto is pouting, Sasuke is (as per usual); brooding. If I had to hazard a guess Naruto was probably complaining about the D rank missions they had do.

Just as they're about to take a seat Sakura suddenly looks a bit nauseous "Augh" she says as she covers her nose "what's that smell?" Naruto and Sasuke take a sniff and their faces scrunch up in disgust.

"It smells like spoiled meat" Naruto gags out

"That would be 'Ms slasher movie psyco' over there" I tell them, pointing towards Yuki (who waves at them)

Team seven takes a moment to process the sight of a kid their age covered head to toe in (rotting) organs and blood.

Naruto snaps out of his shock first "What the he…what happened to you?!"

Yuki tilts her head in confusion "why does everyone keep saying that?"

"Unfortunately, she's fine" I answer "She's covered in someone else's blood and guts" Yuki nods in affirmation.

"That doesn't make this any better" Sakura exclaims

"Hey, I'm just as upset as you" I say as I glare at Yuki "It'd be so much better if those organs were hers"

Team Totally Disposable breaks out in laughter while team 7 shoots me scandalised looks.

"What the hell, Ayano?!" Naruto says, raising his voice

"What is wrong with you?!" Sakura yells in indignation.

Sasuke is shaking his head in disapproval.

"Come on guys, she was just joking" Yuki laughs "it's just playful banter amongst good friends"

Okay that does it. I am ending this charade here and now.

"We were never friends, you…" I pause as I calm down, maybe if I make it clear and simple, she'll finally understand me, I lower my voice "Yuki, I'm going to make this very simple for you; I hate you." I say, as I look her in the eye "The only reason I can stand being around you is because of Kenji and Mugen" I tell her, calmly, as she smiles at me "I've hated you and that band of sociopaths you called friends ever since we first played together before the academy," I continue, my voice level and even "in fact; let me tell you how much I've hated you since then: there are about 3 octillion atoms compacted together in a humanoid form that make up every fibre of my very being" I say, motioning towards myself "if the word 'hate' could be etched across the surface of every single one of those billions upon billions of billions of atoms, it would not even be anywhere close to one/one trillionth of the hate I feel for you right now"

There is a pregnant silence. I think she finally underst…

Yuki snorts, giggles and breaks out in laughter while Kenji and Mugen join in.

Goddammit, how was that not clear enough for them?

"Okay, that was good one" she says to me during one of the pauses in her laughter, while I facepalm "We've got to hang out more often"

Words have failed me once again. I simply grind my teeth in frustration as I flip her off, which (of course) only prompts her to laugh even harder.

Team seven looks disquieted.

"Wha…What did we just watch?" asks Sakura

"I…don't know" Sasuke replies, even he looks unsure

"Are we being pranked?" Naruto murmurs

"What you've just seen was a thread in the tapestry of stupidity I put up with daily" I spit as I glance towards Sakura and Sasuke "and no; you're not being pranked" I finish as I glance towards Naruto "so are you three ordering anything? Or are you here for the show?"

"Oh…err, the usual for me" Naruto says, then he sniffs the air and coughs as he holds his nose "on second thoughts, make that to go"

"You two?" I ask Sakura and Sasuke

"Maybe some other time" Sakura replies, looking a bit nauseous while Sasuke nods in agreement

"Suit yourself" I answer while I get started on Naruto's order.

"So you're okay with the smell?" Naruto asks

"I work in the chemical labs sometimes and I've been exposed to about three quarters of the periodic table" I shrug "my sense of smell isn't what it used to be"

"That must suck" Naruto replies

"No great loss, it just makes everything taste weird" I say as I continue working on Naruto's order "truth be told I don't even know what some of dad's latest recipes taste like, I just take our customer's word for it"

"They're awesome" Naruto exclaims as he perks up "the spicy one added a week back tasted like…"

"I'm going to stop you right there" I say, cutting him off "for me it tasted like kale"

"Hold on, how can you cook if you can't taste properly?" Sakura asks "I'm pretty sure tasting is part of the cooking process"

"I follow the recipe to the letter" I answer "It's a bit like making a canister of chlorine gas, but it ends in satisfied patrons as opposed to corroded lungs"

"I do not like the way you just compared one of the most horrible weapons in our arsenal to the food you serve us" Sakura says with an annoyed look

I smirk a bit, if she thinks chlorine gas is the worst we've got, then she hasn't seen the effects of some of the other stuff we make in the labs.

As I start packing Naruto's order, I hear someone walk in, as I turn around to give Naruto his order, I notice the newcomer, its Kakashi.

"Ah, my cute students, ready for another round of chores tomorrow?" he asks them, somewhat light-heartedly

The three of them deflate a bit.

"Ugh, more gruntwork?" Naruto moans "can't we go on an actual mission for once?"

Kakashi lets out a sigh as he sits down "I've told you, you're fresh out of the academy, you need more training before you're ready to face any real threats"

By the way he said it, it sounds like he's rehearsed this line.

"I bet the other teams have gone out on a whole bunch of awesome missions by now" Naruto grumbles

"No, they haven't "says Kakashi with a tone of finality "the higher ups aren't about to send rookie genin out on a glorified death march no matter how often those genin ask" he continues "I'm sure most of your friends are still doing D-ranks"

"Not true" I bark out "I have it on good authority that at least one team has completed a C-rank today"

"What?" Kakashi says as he glances towards me

"It's those three over there isn't it?" Sasuke asks glancing towards team Totally Disposable

"They were given a C rank on day one" I answer nodding in their direction "The guys at the mission desk even called it a 'suicide mission'"

"How is that fair?" Naruto blurts out "they're going out kicking butt while we're stuck buying groceries for layabouts"

"Oh boy, here we go" Kakashi mutters as Naruto and Sakura begin complaining

I'm not surprised, so far every other team from this year's batch of academy graduates has been on D-rank missions, and team Totally Disposable are the first to go on and complete a C-rank…Oh…that's not good.

"Oh crap" I mutter

Team seven (including Kakashi) turn to look at me.

"What is it?" Sakura asks

"I just realized something" I say as I glance towards team Totally Disposable "because those three have completed a C-rank and everyone else is still doing D-ranks, that means that they've got the most combat experience out of all the genin teams for this year"

"Go on" Sasuke replies, motioning for me to continue

"This means that they" I nod towards team Totally Disposable "by default; are the high-water mark of this year's crop of genin"

Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke do not look happy to learn about this little titbit. Considering the fact that the three of them were also classmates of Kenji and Mugen (albeit for a scant few years) then the three of them should know why this is not good news.

"Take a good look at them, if things don't change, one of them might even be the hokage someday" I say with a snort of laughter

Team seven sits and mulls over the prospect of Kenji, Mugen or Yuki being the hokage about it for all of three seconds before a look of unremitting horror crosses their faces. Kakashi just looks perplexed.

"Am I missing something here?" He asks his students

"We'll tell you later" Naruto replies

"Hold on" Kenji says, looking at me with a grin "You think we've got what it takes to become hokage?"

"Kenji, I'm going to be honest with you" I tell him with a serious expression "a quick glance at our history books shows that we humans have a tendency to hand those who are the least qualified for anything even resembling a position of authority" I continue as I walk over to put a hand on his shoulder "inordinate amounts of power, influence and control" I glance over to Mugen and Yuki "and seeing as how the three of you are thoroughly unqualified to run anything more complex than a playground sandpit, I think it's safe to say that the three of you are a shoo-in for the hokage's office"

The three of them immediately begin cheering.

"Oh, Huzzah" Mugen whoops as he stands up "come on guys, this calls for a celebration. To the bakery"

"I'll bring the fish" Kenji chimes in

"Party at my place" Yuki adds

The three of them march off to prepare for their celebration of society's slow but inexorable decline.

I shake my head as they leave "and thus begins the saga of our ruin"

Sakura glances at me and then at Naruto "why are you friends with her?"

"It's…complicated" he says in response

"It's because this is his favourite ramen joint" I tell her "and seeing as how I live here and give him discounts every now and again, that means that friendship is pretty much obligatory at this point"

"Like I said; it's complicated" Naruto finishes

* * *

The next day

I grunt as I tighten a bolt on one of the prototype torture devices the T&I division ordered, this one involves electrocution and (like many other instruments of human suffering) the unmentionable parts of the human body.

Strangely enough, my co-workers seem to be snickering in my direction every now and again, and if I know these assholes (and I should; I'm one of them) that means that my day is going to be ruined very, very soon.

Then I notice someone behind me, oh boy, the other shoe finally drops.

I look over my shoulder, it's one of the senior engineers "I'm not going to like this am I?"

He shakes his head "You're being sent off on a 'mission'" he says making air-quotes "it's just some glorified PR stunt where the village sends rookies from the support branches to some backwater town to help dig a latrine, heal their goats or whatever"

"Can I refuse?" I ask, somehow I doubt it.

"No" he says flatly "the village needs as much publicity as it can get" he points to the door "get your orders at the mission desk"

* * *

Ten minutes later

The hallway leading to the mission assignment desk is rather crowded, mostly with rookies from the medical corps.

"Ugh, a retirement home? Seriously?" I hear someone say

"Goats? They need medical-nins for goats? How is this my life?" I hear another say

Oh I am definitely not going to enjoy this.

Another rookie leaves the room reading a piece of paper and frowning, for now there's no one else around so I walk up to the desk, the guy at the desk takes one look at me and starts reaching for a slip of paper.

"Here you go" he says with a non-committal tone "read it and prepare to leave at the specified date"

I nod, walk out the door and being reading my orders, it some sort of 'humanitarian aid' gig that's really just a way for the land of fire to show off how much they 'care' for their neighbours.

Oh…looks like the powers that be have decided to have a bout of schadenfreude at my expense.

I've been ordered to go help inspect and maintain the infrastructure and machinery at some podunk town in a foreign nation that's fallen on hard times, and it just so happens that it's located in the land of waves.

Okay, no need to worry maybe I can just avoid the drama with team seven and get out after a day or two of slacking off. No need to get caught with the plot, just pretend to do what I've been told to, go home and get paid.

* * *

Evening, a few days later

I'm going off tomorrow

Dad and Ayame helped me pack the stuff I need, camping gear included.

Combined with my tools and the protective equipment I'm obliged to wear at all times when I'm on duty, I'm fairly sure my kit weighs more than I do.

Under advice from my superiors (and indirectly; the village's marketing department), I'm also bringing along a set of grenades and some plastic explosives, a mixture of gas and incendiary grenades and a bar or two of explosives. I'm not actually expected to use them, but the marketing team found that it helps the village's image when civilians see ninjas that are visibly armed. Apparently fulfilling the common perception of ninjas helps with advertising. (Nobody minds going along with this so long as the mission doesn't demand subtlety)

Right now I'm helping at the store, and planning for tomorrow's journey.

Then I notice Naruto enter. It seems as though he's more upbeat than usual today.

"Oh yeah, can't wait for tomorrow" Naruto says with a grin as he takes a seat "I'll have the usual"

Dad nods and starts preparing Naruto's ramen "You're rather cheery today, what's the occasion?"

"Our first C-rank" Naruto answers "sure our client's a crusty old jerk, but hey, we'll finally get to see some action"

Wait, does that mean…

"Where to?" I ask, though I think I know the answer

"Some place called the 'Land of Waves'" Naruto answers

"What a coincidence" dad exclaims "Ayano's heading there tomorrow"

"Really?" Naruto says as he perks up "that's pretty good news"

Not for me it isn't.

* * *

The next day

"They should be here by now" I hear Kakashi say as I approach the southern gate

"Not by choice, mind you" I grumble as I meet up with team seven and their client

Naruto is practically hopping with excitement, Saukra and Sasuke are watching him, Kakashi's reading his book and their client just looks annoyed.

"Well, there's still one more person we have to wait for" He says, his eyes still on his dirty novel

"How many brats are we dragging along anyway?" the bridge builder; Tazuna says as he takes a swing from his bottle

"…This bag is heavy" a familiar voice mutters, it's that girl from the medical corps.

"Ah, so everyone's here" kakashi says as he puts his book away "alright, team, we're here to protect the client" he says as he glances towards Tazuna "and these two are off on a humanitarian aid mission" he finishes as he glances towards me and the medic

"Hold on" tazuna barks out as he points towards the two of us "you mean these two are all the 'help' we were promised?"

"I heard the navy sent you supplies of food, medicine and materials ahead of time" Kakashi tells him "and you rejected the army's offer of troops to act as your police force" he points out "the land of fire's already given you quite a bit, considering the fact we aren't allies"

"When we were told we were getting assistance, I thought it would be more than a single healer and a…" Tazuna pauses "what are you supposed to be anyway?"

"Combat engineer" I reply "not really focused on the 'combat' part, though"

"Is this all we're getting?" he mumbles

I scowl "Yes, and you'd better appre…"

"Before we leave I just have one more thing to say" Kakashi cuts me off as he points in my direction "Her words, actions and opinions are entirely her own and do not reflect the beliefs of Konoha nor the Land of Fire as a whole"

That sounded rehearsed

"What was that?" Tazuna asks

"A disclaimer" Kakashi responds "our engineers are a walking PR nightmare"

That's true, actually. But I didn't know the frontliners had a disclaimer rehearsed for the express purpose of damage control.

* * *

A couple of hours later

After a bit of drama at the gate involving Naruto and Tazuna, we got going.

We walked at a steady pace, for the past couple of hours, I learned that the girl's name is Moka and she doesn't like being referred to as; 'whatsyourname'

Unfortunately, the butterfly effect has, once again, failed to take hold.

We were ambushed by a couple of ninjas from the hidden mist but team seven (and by that I mean Kakashi) managed to fight them off without much fuss, while Moka and I did the smart thing and hid in the bushes the second the fighting started.

Kakashi's tied the two attackers to a nearby tree and now he's questioning them and Tazuna. Moka's treating Naruto's wound, according to Kakashi; Naruto was poisoned, unfortunately without knowing exactly what Naruto was poisoned with, Moka can't give him the antidote, the most she can do is limit the blood flow from his arm.

"Well, that the most I can do, unless you want me to resort to bloodletting" she tells him as she finishes affixing a tourniquet "I can do that you know, just give me the word" she says as she brandishes her field surgeon kit.

Naruto just stays silent.

"Naruto's hand could become a problem" I hear Kakashi say "Guess we ought to go back to the village"

Naruto grits his teeth.

I know what's going on here; mind games, the adults of the village get some sort of kick out of messing with their charges and by the look of things, Kakashi's trying some sort of reverse psychology ploy to motivate Naruto.

It worked.

Naruto stabs himself in his hand to let the poison out while Moka lets out a groan of frustration

"My way would have been more effective" she groans as Naruto starts making a heartfelt speech while blood starts gushing from his self-inflicted wound.

"How long is he going to let his blood flow like that?" Moka asks as Naruto monologues about training "seriously; the poison's out of his system. He can, or rather; should stop anytime now"

As Naruto continues his speech saying something about not losing to Sasuke, Moka starts to look a bit uncertain about something "he does know that blood loss if fatal….right?"

She has a point, he's losing a lot of blood.

Now Naruto's going on about protecting Tazuna while the blood's staring to pool near his feet, meanwhile Moka is rolling her eyes "Okay I get it, this speech of his is far more important than his well-being, I'll just have to accept that"

"…don't you guys worry about me, I'll be fine! Now let's go!" Naruto finishes triumphantly, by this point he's starting to look a bit pale.

"Naruto, uh…that was pretty cool how you took the poison out and all" Kakashi tells him "but if you lose any more blood; you're going to die"

There is a short pause as everyone falls silent.

"And so we have our first casualty" I say to break the silence "bound to happen sooner or later"

At this point, Naruto's beginning to break out in a nervous sweat.

"Now that you're aware of your own mortality, do you want me to patch you up?" Moka says as she breaks out a bandage, some disinfectant and clotting powder

Instead of answering Naruto simply freaks out and lament about how he's too young to die and so on

"I take that as a yes" Moka says as she holds out a hand "give me your hand"

Naruto obliges and she takes a couple of seconds to inspect the wound "Huh, well that's Interesting" she says.

Unfortunately, 'interesting' is one of the words you never want to hear a doctor say to you.

"I-I don't like the way you said that" Naruto stammers out

"Let me have a look" Kakashi says as he stands beside Moka, after looking at the wound the simply lets out a contemplative grunt

That, combined with Moka's substandard bedside manner is not helping Naruto calm down.

He lets out an audible gulp and looks towards Moka "Give it to me straight, Doc, how long do I have?"

"What, oh…yeah, right. *ahem*" Moka clears her throat "You'll be fine, in fact you're hand's healing much faster than normal" she says as she applies some disinfectant, causing Naruto to flinch "a bit strange, but otherwise; no cause for alarm." She finishes as she begins bandaging Naruto's hand.

* * *

A little over a week later

We spent the last week walking. Because the land of Waves is something of a backwater, there wasn't any reason for them to set up a rail connection nor any form of infrastructure more complex than a simple dirt road.

This, of course meant we had to walk all the way there on foot (something I complained about, repeatedly). I have no idea why we couldn't just hire, requisition or even commandeer a cart or something. (After all, ninjas are part of the Land of Fire's military, we're authorized to requisition certain resources or services)

Right now we're on a boat headed towards the archipelago that make up the land of Waves and Tazuna's regaling us with his life story (in other words, trying to guilt trip us) then he started talking about Gato and how this bridge would save his country, and how his family would be devastated if we just let him die.

"…It's not your fault, forget it" he said as he ended his story

There is an uncomfortable silence

I clear my throat "you do realize that you're talking to a boat full of ninjas, right?" I ask rhetorically "those three over there may well find themselves assassinating totally innocent people someday" I say motioning to team seven "and one of the projects I worked on before leaving the village was a torture device that violates and electrocutes a person's unmentionable areas"

"What are you saying?" he asks me

"You're appealing to the sense of humanity of people for whom inhuman acts are simply a part of daily life" I point out "do you see the problem here?"

Tazuna scratches the back of his head "now that you mention it…"

Sakura frowns at me "Ayano, we're not sociopaths" she turns to look at Tazuna "don't mind her she's just being a jerk"

"You're not sociopaths _yet_ " I say "just give it a few years"

"Okay settle down" Kakashi says "We're continuing our mission and protecting the bridge builder" he continues, looking towards team seven "while you two are going to preform your missions" he says nodding towards Moka and I "None of us are leaving until we're done, am I clear?"

We all nod.

* * *

 **Author's note:** I'll try to get the next chapter out quicker, if you've got any comments or constructive criticism I'd love to hear it, and I'd appreciate the feedback.

Edit (17/11/17): fixed some errors


	9. Convenient meteorological phenomena

**Disclaimer** : Kishimoto owns the rights to Naruto

 **Author's note:** We've seen arquebuses/tanegashima/teppo (they're the same thing) in the 'blood prison' movie, so I thought; maybe write them into the story, they had a huge impact during the 'sengoku' period and the Imjin war (not to mention how firearms changed the face of warfare around the world), so I thought it'd be nice to give this underrated weapon a bit of the limelight.

Of course, considering the limitations of mid to late 16th century firearms, they probably won't be of much use to the kinds of ninjas seen in Naruto, so it'll mostly be in the hands of non-ninjas. (Though real life 'ninjas' did use firearms, if Sugitani Zenjubo was any indication) However, just like in real life; the average person/footsoldier (and the state) would love it.

If I add any historical trivia I'll try to explain it at the end.

Thanks for the reviews for the previous chapter, it helps to know that I'm at least doing something right.

* * *

The rest of the boat ride was relatively uneventful, other than the meteorological improbability of the mist clearing up during the five to ten seconds we took passing under one of the bridge's arches, a situation that nobody seems concerned about.

Right now we're walking on yet another dirt road, team seven's leading the way, Tazuna's right behind them while Moka and I are at the very back, it seems as though Naruto and Sasuke have once again resumed their one-upmanship.

However, something's been bugging me ever since Tazuna brought up the subject of his bridge. How exactly is the bridge supposed to help the land of waves anyhow? They don't have the infrastructure to support neither industry nor commerce, they have no notable natural resources besides fish and their service sector doesn't even qualify as a joke.

I quicken my pace to catch up to Tazuna

"So, how's this bridge supposed to help you guys?" I ask

"Isn't it obvious? It'll connect us to the mainland" he says, taking a swing from his bottle "It'll bring trade, commerce and hope to our impoverished nation"

"I don't mean to be pedantic or anything" I reply "But international trade usually happens because one side has something the other side wants"

He raises an eyebrow "Your point?"

"What exactly does the land of waves have to offer the mainland anyway?" I say in response "besides acting as a convenient source of good publicity from charity work"

"Well, we've got…." He pauses "uhh…I mean we…err"

I motion for him to continue "go on"

He falls silent.

"So I take it you've got precisely nothing?" I summarize "tell me; how much money did you waste on this project?"

"You're wrong" he shoots back "this'll make it easier for us to trade with the mainland"

"Okay, so ignoring the logistical nightmare that comes with transporting goods and services across a dirt road" " I say motioning to the road at our feet "and a multitude of other economic factors" I continue "we once again return to an aforementioned problem: what do you intend to sell to these theoretical merchants?"

Once again, he falls silent. I think he finally understands that bombastic statements and blind optimism aren't legitimate mediums of exchange.

"I don't blame you for wasting the taxpayer's money" I say, patting him on the back "I'm blaming the ones who greenlit this project in the first place" I tell him "they had one job; reject this asinine proposal for a bridge, and they failed to do it"

"You are…" He pauses as he frowns at me "Not a nice person, you know that?"

"Still not the one wasting tax money" I say as I slow my pace "wonder what'll happen when reality comes knocking"

* * *

An hour later

The one-upmanship between Naruto and Sasuke eventually culminated in the near death of a rabbit, which is now being comforted by a mortified Naruto while he's being told off by Sakura and Tazuna (and to a lesser extent; Kakashi).

Which has me thinking: he's perfectly fine throwing that kunai with the thorough understanding that it will strike, injure and perhaps even kill another human being, but the second he finds out that an innocent rabbit was put in harm's way, he's wracked with guilt.

Well, at the very least we know where his priorities lie…

"Get down!" Kakashi barks out

We all throw ourselves to the ground.

A split second later an impractically large sword whizzes through the air and embeds itself in a nearby tree with a weighty thump.

As we turn our collective gaze towards the sword a figure seems flicker into view on its handle.

Oh, this will not end well.

"Well, well if it isn't Zabuza Momochi" Kakashi says, turning his head upwards "rouge ninja from the hidden mist"

By now team 7 and Tazuna are standing upright in a group while Moka and I are (as protocol dictates) inching away from the inevitable combat zone.

As Naruto dashes forward to confront zabuza, Kakashi stops him, saying something about how Zabuza's in a 'whole other league'. Then he goes on, cryptically about needing to use something he describes as 'treacherous' as he prepares to lift the part of his headband covering his left eye.

Zabuza glances at kakashi over his shoulder "Kakashi, of the 'sharingan' eye. Did I get that right? "

At the mention of the 'sharingan' team 7 and Tazuna give Kakashi a look of mild confusion (and in the case of Sasuke; surprise).

Then zabuza demands that team seven hand over Tazuna, as he finishes talking a light (and somewhat ominous) breeze begins to pick up, blowing leaves over to the area where team seven are gathered.

Truth be told; that's a very well timed coincidence.

The silence is broken by Kakashi "Squad, get in formation" he barks out to team seven "protect Tazuna and stay out of this fight" he orders "I taught you three teamwork, now use it" he continues "and as for you two; get to cover and stay down, you won't be of any use in this fight"

I prepare to dive to the nearest bush.

That is an order I would be more than willing to carry out and a statement I agree with wholeheartedly.

Moka, however, is less than enthusiastic about his choice of words.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I head Moka say, indignation clear in her voice

"It means; let the meatshields handle this" I tell her as I pull her along with me.

We land in one of the bushes nearby, I hear Moka grumbling a bit but I ignore her, as we start crawling towards a suitable hiding spot I hear team seven and Zabuza talking about the 'sharingan'.

After a minute or so of crawling we reach a relatively suitable spot to both hide and watch the fight, they've stopped talking about the sharigan and now Zabuza's talking about the information his village has on Kakashi as the mists start rolling in again. (Either he's using some sort of jutsu or that is just phenomenally good timing)

As Zabuza, makes his ultimatum, team seven finally moves into formation, you'd think that they'd get into position the second Kakashi gave them the order, but apparently that's not how they do things in a ninja squad. For them, it's; monologues first, everything else later.

As they begin to square off, I turn to Moka "willing to make a bet?"

She looks at me with incredulity "is this really the best time for that?"

"No, but does that really matter?" I tell her, if things go according to plan, this'll be another quick cash grab for me

She takes a moment to consider "you're on" she says as she takes out her wallet.

* * *

Later

After we finalized our wagers, we settled in to watch the fight, I bet on team seven managing to beat, but not kill Zabuza with no deaths on their side, while Moka was considerably less optimistic about their chances of survival; she bet on them manging to kill Zabuza, but at the cost of their lives (though she did bet on Kakashi surviving).

To be honest, it wasn't that difficult to keep track of the action, seeing as how they'd stop to talk, every now and again.

"What are they doing?" she asks tilting her head in confusion

"I think they're…" I reply with a slight pause "they're explaining how they tricked him"

At this point, team seven's managed to get Kakashi out of the water prison. And now he looks angry.

"Is this seriously how the frontliners get things done?" asks rhetorically "It's like they spent half the time talking and the other half actually fighting"

"Yeah" I say in agreement as Kakashi re-joins the fray "Clearly, expressing yourself is far more important than fighting for your life"

* * *

After the fight

As kakashi inspects Zabuza's 'body', Moka and I leave our hiding spot.

I smile as she hands me my winnings, "there goes half my spending money" she grumbles.

Team seven however just looks lost and confused as a 'tracker nin' (Haku) makes off with Zabuza's body. Naruto in particular looks furious, right now he's ranting about the futility of it all and how they're practically going in blind, punching the ground in frustration the whole time.

After a minute or two of ranting, Naruto is eventually calmed down by Kakashi.

Tazuna offers to let team 7 bunk at his house, as for Mako and I; we're staying in one of the cheap inns in town. (Room and board were part of our contracts, we'll be sharing the same room)

Just as we're about to leave, Kakashi freezes and collapses on the ground as team 7 gasps in surprise. Team 7 and Moka rush forward to tend to him

"Kakashi-sensiei!" Naruto exclaims as he stands next to the prone form of his squad leader

"What's wrong with him?" Sakura asks, worry evident in her tone

Sauske, is of course; silent, but he does look concerned.

"Give me a sec" Moka says as she kneels down to inspect Kakashi, she's probably used to this sort of thing, so it isn't fazing her.

Personally; I know for a fact that Kakashi's going to be just fine, so this isn't really having any sort of impact on me either way.

"Is he goanna be okay?" Naruto blurts out

"Like I said; give me a sec" Moka replies as she continues her inspection.

After checking some other parts of Kakashi's body, Moka makes her diagnosis.

"Okay, good news; he'll be just fine" Moka says, as she stands up.

Team 7 and Tazuna breathe a collective sigh of relief.

"Bad news; he's overextended himself" she continues "now he's suffering from chakra exhaustion"

"Is that bad?" Naruto asks

"In this case; it could be worse, he'll be on crutches for a day or two, that's for sure" Moka answers "he'll probably make a full recovery in a few days, maybe a week" she says "But right now; he'll need someone to carry him" she finishes as she sends a pointed gaze towards team 7

They glance towards each other, nod and begin moving Kakashi. Sakura's carrying his pack, Sasuke and Naruto are carrying him by his legs and arms respectively. Learning how to transport casualties is probably something they learned back in the academy.

"Now see; if we'd just rented a wagon like I wanted, this wouldn't be a problem" I point out

"Okay, fine" Sakura grunts as she struggles under the combined weight of her and her sensei's pack "we'll see if we can find rent one later down the road"

* * *

A couple of hours later

Unsurprisingly; we couldn't find a place to rent a wagon, so team 7 had to carry their unconscious sensei for the past couple of hours.

When we got to Tazuna's house we were greeted by his daughter, who I've learned is named 'Tsunami', as ecstatic as she was to see her father again, she was still taken aback by the sight of an unconscious man being carried by a pair of adolescents. After Tazuna explained the situation, she agreed to let Kakashi rest in one of their rooms.

Right now we're just waiting for him to wake up, while Tazuna is asking us our opinion of his county and this town in particular.

"…so what do you guys think?" Tazuna asks, glancing at us

"It's…quaint?" Sakura offers

"Not bad?" Naruto replies

Sasuke simply lets out a polite cough but doesn't say anything.

"It has it's charms?" Moka answers

Looks like they're all trying to be polite.

This place is somehow worse than I thought it'd be; it smells, the power lines look worn, the streets are filthy, the garbage is starting to pile up in a number of places and on our way here, we passed a group of townsfolk who were listening to a crier read out some notices because (according to Tazuna) most of them were functionally illiterate.

Tazuna lets out a chuckle "come on, no need to lie for my sake" he says "Just tell me what you really think"

"This place is a dump" I say, frankly "there are shanty towns with higher standards than this city sized health and safety hazard" I tell him, I his gaze begins to harden "if you all just put in a little more effort to make this place liveable, it might someday find itself elevated to the lofty standard of; 'barely fit for human habitation'"

I can practically feel their glares.

And a slap to the back of my head.

"Ow!" I exclaim as I rub the sore spot

Sakura just gave me a dope slap. To be fair, this was something of an inevitability

"Again; don't mind her, she's just being a jerk" she says, smiling nervously at tazuna "seriously, Ayano? Would it kill you to show even the barest minimum of respect" she hisses at me.

Well, he did ask us for our honest opinion. "Hey, I'm just saying what we're all thinking" I shoot back

Just as she opens her mouth to respond, Tazuna's daughter peeks around the door "I think he's coming to"

We all get up to go see him.

Sakura leans towards me "We'll continue this later"

We reach his room as Tusnami finishes telling him to lie down.

Naruto greets him as Sakura voices her concern over the use of his sharingan and the strain it puts on his body.

Then the conversation shifts towards that 'tracker nin' that took Zabuza's body and how they'd normally destroy the body to prevent any rival organizations from preforming an autopsy on it the he notes how they'd have to do the same to him to prevent them from gaining control of the sharingan and other secrets his body may hold.

Then he falls silent for a short while

"Hey, are you okay, sensei?" Naruto asks

Kakashi nods and starts voicing his concerns and pointing out how the 'tracker nin' made off with the body instead of destroying it on the spot. Then he points out how 'senbon' needles aren't normally used for killing.

"…it all doesn't add up" he finishes.

"What are you going on about? You demolished that assassin." Tazuna says to him

"Just one more thing" Kakashi says as he takes out a needle "Moka, can you confirm something for me?"

She nods "what is it?"

"The needles in Zabuza's neck hit these areas" Kakashi says, pointing to parts in his own neck as an example "and went in about this deep" he continues, pointing to a portion of the needle's shaft "what do you think?"

Moka shakes her head "He's probably alive"

"What!" Naruto, Sakura and Tazuna yell out while Tsunami gasps in surprise

I let out a small cough as I hold out my hand expectantly "I think you owe me something…"

Moka grunts in annoyance "Not exactly the best time for this, Ayano" she grumbles as she hands me the rest of my winnings.

Thankfully, we're ignored as everyone else it too busy talking about Zabuza's apparent survival and how the 'tracker nin' was probably in cahoots with him.

"Come on, aren't you overthinking this?" Tazuna asks

"Encountering suspicion, the ninja prepares quickly" Kakashi replies "hesitation can lead to disaster. Every shinobi knows this"

That's sort of true; it's one of many pre-approved phrases the marketing department made anyone ranked chunin or higher memorize. In fact, from what I've heard; this list of phrases is even written on a handy note that they can take out and refer to anytime a client, genin or civilian needs convincing.

Then Kakashi moves on to talk about how team 7 are going to resume their training to prepare for a clash with Zabuza, Sakura protests a bit, but Kakashi manages to rally his team by talking about how much they've grown.

Just as they all start to look motivated, and Naruto says something about things being good and believing the door slams open

"I don't believe it!" a boy barks out "nothing's goanna be good!"

"Hey! Who are you!" Naruto says, raising his voice.

"Ah, Inari, where've you been?" Tazuna says as the young boy darts forward to hug him

"Grandpa!" Inari exclaims in glee.

After his squeals of delight dies down, Tsunami scolds him for being rude while Tazuna encourages his behaviour by citing himself as an example

He takes a long hard look at team 7 "Mom, these people are goanna die!" he says, pointing towards team 7 "Gato and his men are going to come and wipe them out"

Naruto leaps up in outrage and says something about 'super ninjas' and heroism, which only prompts Inari to go on a spew more venom at him, this in turn only makes Naruto angrier.

Inari looks unamused as Sakura holds Naruto back.

"If you want to survive" Inari spits out as he turns to leave "you should just go back where you came from"

As Inari sulks off, Naruto grits his teeth. Looks like this isn't over between them.

"Okay, we should probably get going" I say to no one in particular as I get up to leave.

* * *

Later

"Well this sucks" I say as Moka and I look at the inn.

Much like the rest of this town, the inn looks run down and shoddy, with mould and mildew infesting the walls.

"Let's just get to our rooms" She mutters as she walks towards the door.

As we enter the inn and approach the counter we hand the innkeeper the slips of paper explaining the terms of our contracts.

He tilts his head and squints in concentration "Lets see…" he says as he struggles to read the slip "lots of fancy words…don't know what they mean but they sound official"

The slip was one those pre-prepared documents, mass produced templates that could be filled in with details as needed, it was worded so that even those with a fleeting grasp of the language could understand it. Unfortunately, the ones who typed out the template could not account for illiteracy.

After a few minutes of waiting Moka and I got bored decided to have a look around. Most of the other patrons are focused on getting drunk and a few are unconscious.

Then I notice something, a few people huddled together and talking at the back, they're not dressed as civilians, they're wearing conical helmets (jingasa), cuirasses and what look like an assortment of weapons resting by their side.

They're soldiers, and by the insignia on their armour; they're soldiers from the land of fire.

Then one of them looks up and mumbles something as he notices us, his helmet and armour look ornate in comparison to his fellow soldiers. He must be an officer.

"Hey, you two" he calls out "have a seat, the innkeep's barely literate. He's going to take a while"

"No surprise there" I mutter as Moka and I take a seat at the table.

"Don't tell me, you're part of the foreign aid gig, right?" he guesses

"Yeah" Moka answers "what about you guys?"

"We're just here to escort a diplomat" he replies "high level negotiations with the local nobles, you understand"

We grunt in acknowledgement.

"They don't look like ninjas" one soldier points out

"Yeah" another adds "I've seen ninjas in action before, near the northern border" he continues "they wore flak jackets and went around spouting some sort of mystical sounding nonsense every now and again"

"These two are from the support branches" the officer clarifies "You're thinking of the combat focused ninjas"

"Furthermore; flak jackets are only given to the frontliners when they become chunin" Moka tells them

"Also; they rehearsed that 'mystical sounding nonsense', nobody actually says any of that stuff in everyday life" I finish

The chat eventually veered into inane small talk, we'd ask them question about the cities and the army and they'd ask us about the village and ninjas.

Eventually my gaze wanders to their weapons, their firearms in particular, they were primitive compared to the ones I remember. By the looks of things, these are blackpowder matchlock arquebuses.

"Taken a shine to our matchlocks?" the officer asks

"Yeah, they're pretty cool" I respond "mind if I take a closer look?"

"Not at all" he replies as he hands me his gun

I take a minute to study the weapon "Is it rifled?" I ask as I examine the barrel, from the way it looks; it's a smoothbore

"What's a 'rifled'?" he asks, sounding a bit confused.

Hold on, that gives me an idea, if they're willing to pay for better weapons then I may have just found a gravy train.

"Do the words, 'flintlock', 'percussion lock' and 'gun cartridge' mean anything to you?" I ask

"No" he replies "am I missing something here?"

Oh, I have definitely found a gravy train.

"So, assuming someone came along with a way to improve these firearms" I say "would they get paid?"

"Yes, in fact there's a cash prize up for grabs" he nods "but so far, nobody's came up with any ideas other than 'make it bigger'"

"How much are they offering exactly?" I continue

"It depends; minor, incremental improvements won't fetch as much" he answers "but something that can change the way we fight in its entirety? That's going to be a massive payday"

This gravy train has no brakes!

I smirk and nod. Percussion caps are easy to come by (they're used to trigger most kinds of explosives), machines can be rigged to cut grooves in metal pipes for rifling, lead can be used to make 'Minie balls' and gunpowder is available in plentiful amounts.

All I need to do is create a trigger mechanism and put all these together to 'invent' the muzzle loading percussion rifle.

Sure, I may be stealing the idea from dead gunsmiths from my past life, but not only are they dead, they're also in another dimension (or world or whatever it's called at this point) they can't stop me.

The only issue remaining is that of ethics; will I be doing the right thing?

Of course not. Far from it; this would be extraordinarily irresponsible.

But I think the most important part of this question should be; do I care?

Not a single whit.

So I give them rifled caplock muskets; it's their choice whether or not to use it. (The fact that I know that they will definitely use it, is beside the point) if my (potential) invention emboldens them into starting a war or two, that will neither be my fault nor my problem.

Besides, I'm from a ninja village; ethics, morality and common human decency shouldn't be issues worth debating, if clandestine cloak and dagger operations are perfectly acceptable to everyone else, then weapons development should be no different

I chuckle and rub my hands together in anticipation. That will be a prize well won, all I need to do is get back to the workshop.

"Ayano, what are you doing?" Moka asks as she notices me scheming.

I pause "planning to make money?" I offer

"Got any ideas?" the officer asks "well, the offer's still available, just bring a prototype for testing, along with the blueprints, the army will handle the patent process"

Hold on, isn't he supposed to be doubting my competence?

I mean; from his point of view I'm just a kid from some ninja village without any experience in gunsmithing, all things considered, scepticism is something I expect.

"Is that it?" I ask tilting my head in puzzlement

"Yeah, pretty much" he replies

"You actually think I can do it?" I continue

"Why not?" he questions

"That isn't how this is supposed to go" I answer

He lets out a bark of laughter "then how is it supposed to go?"

"Err…well; you're supposed to question my capabilities" I reply pointing to him "and you guys are supposed to laugh" I turn to Moka "and you're supposed to side with them"

"I've seen medic nins and combat engineers from the village at work before, had a chat with them too" he counters "they talked circles around me and drowned me in technobabble" he continues "and you two are here to preform work we'd normally trust to those with several years of higher education" he lets out a grunt "doubting either of you isn't something I'm going to do"

He has a point "Touché"

They all look at me in confusion

"Huh?" he blurts out "what does that mean?"

Crap, I forgot, none of the Indo-European languages exist in this world.

Well, only one thing to do; lie through my teeth.

"Nevermind, a just a slip of the tongue" I say with a nervous laugh "just conceding your point"

He looks unconvinced but nods regardless, before the conversation can get any more awkward, I notice the innkeeper towering over our table

"Okay, I'm done reading, the two of you've got the last room down the hall for the duration of your stay here" he tells us "follow me"

Moka and I rise to follow him to our room.

"Well met" the officer says to us as we leave.

* * *

 **Author's note:** the jokes about literacy (or lack thereof) is based off actual figures from various European countries back in 1870 during the height of the industrial revolution where some countries (usually the ones that weren't very industrialized) had a literacy rate as low as 30% or even 15%, while the industrialized powers like the UK had a literacy rate of around 75%.

I just thought it'd be funny to portray the land of waves in a similar fashion as a joke.

That bit about the economy came about because I thought it'd be funny to emphasize the fact that the manga and anime never really went into much detail about the land of waves other than the fact that it's poor. (What does it import and export, what does it do to sustain itself, etc) Besides, both the manga and anime showed team 7 getting there by walking on a dirt path and that implies a very underdeveloped infrastructure which in turn implies an overall lack of economic activity.

The part at the end about firearms is something I'm planning to be act as an overarching plotline for this fic, where Ayano basically takes ideas and designs from her past life and sells it off the highest bidder, consequences be damned. The first to be featured will basically be a copy of the 'Springfield model 1861' a muzzleloading percussion lock rifle-musket used widely during the American civil war.

The guns in use at this point of the fic are still smoothbore matchlock arquebuses which were in use during the late 16th century. I may write Coehorn mortars and cannons into the story at some point (for use by the army and navy) I strongly suggest looking up these weapons, seeing them develop from relatively crude metal tubes to the weapons we use in the modern age is fascinating.

Obviously the ninjas in this story won't use firearms, but the regular footsoliders and some civilians would end up using them.

To put it in terms TvTropes can relate to; Muggles do it better

I'm planning for some relatively crack-fic-ish themes to come up during the next chapter. Hint; it involves the works of H.P. Lovecraft

So that's it for this chapter, I'd love to hear your replies, positive and negative, if there's something I need to improve on, just tell me and I'll try to work on it, criticism is welcome and constructive criticism is appreciated

Edit (17/11/17): fixed some errors


	10. Unknowable horrors of self-determinism

**Disclaimer:** Naruto is owned by Kishimoto

 **Author's note:** Thanks for the reviews for the previous chapter, it helps knowing what people think about the stuff that gets brought up.

the parts that appear _"Like this"_ (underscored and italicized) appears in universe as 'an unintelligible demon-tongue' (yes, this is part of a joke that I will use every now and again)

This chapter will include some crack-ficish elements

* * *

As per the terms of the contract; my first task here is to perform a routine check on the electrical wiring of the local library. (I'm honestly surprised they've even got a library, considering the fact that very few of them can actually read)

For almost everyone else, they'd get an electrician or something to do it, but one of the numerous drawbacks of having a functionally illiterate populace is that they don't actually have anyone who can perform specialized work; their inability to read blueprints or manuals makes any sort of technical work a problematic affair for them.

For the past few decades, they've been relying on the land of fire for pretty much all their tech related needs.

"I'm beginning to question my life decisions" I mutter as I look towards the library.

Normally, this kind of routine maintenance work wouldn't be a problem and I'd just do what I'm told, if it wasn't for what appears to be some 'minor complications'; the first being that the library looks like a century old ruin with rubbish scattered outside and ought to be condemned, the second (and more pressing concern) in that there is a massive swirling vortex of otherworldly energy hovering directly over the library.

I turn to the guy (a minor noble) who's supposed to oversee the infrastructure in this part of the town "Is this normal?" I ask, pointing towards the vortex, which begins to flash and spew out a bunch of rectangular items that I suspect might be books.

"Of course" he answers nonchalantly as he looks towards a clipboard "As far as anyone here knows it's been here as long as the library has"

"Okay, well I'm not trying to nit-pick here" I say to him "But libraries don't usually have tears in the fabric of reality"

He rolls his eyes "Does that prevent you from doing your job"

"Well…no, but…" I say hesitantly

"Then stop complaining and get to work" he says with a tone of finality as he holds out a rusty and fragile looking key, which I assume must be the library's master key.

"Fine" I sigh in defeat as I grab the key

* * *

One hour later

"This again?" I mutter in frustration as I come across yet another locked door, unsurprisingly; the key broke after I unlocked the main doors.

For some reason, almost every door after the main entrance is locked from the inside, and by the looks of things; nobody's been in this building for years, the powers out (but the windows and occasional hole in the structure let enough sunlight in to make visibility possible), the ceiling's collapsed in a few parts, everything's covered in a layer of dust and the floor is littered with junk.

According to the floorplan; this door leads directly to the basement (which contains the circuit board)

I keel down and begin picking the lock.

A short while later I hear a click and I open the door…only to have it bump on something on the other side.

"What now?" I grumble as I unhook my flashlight (the relatively primitive technology in this world meant that it's dim, bulky, heavy and energy intensive) and shine it through the crack as I peek through.

I immediately notice a bunch of tables, chairs, drawers and various assorted furniture blocking the stairway, there's no way this was an accident; someone put all this here to form a barricade.

Okay, I've seen enough horror movies to know where this is going; as soon as I notice something even slightly out of the ordinary, I'm out of here and collapsing the basement behind me.

There's no way I can push that pile of junk aside and I'd rather not take the time and effort to minimize property damage (the village's legal team tend to leave in canyon sized loopholes when it comes to collateral damage).

That and I really want to give at least some of my bombs a try, maybe I'll use those explosive tags, after all; it's just a bunch of mouldering furniture, actual plastic explosives would be overkill.

I rummage in by pack for a bit and pull out a few tags…

* * *

Later

I flinch a bit from the shockwaves as the tags blow apart the weakened wood.

I get up and start walking down the steps, flashlight in one hand and an explosive charge in the other.

On the way down, I pause to plant a charge on the wall of the stairwell, this one carries a much higher yield than the explosive tags and can be remotely detonated in a matter similar to that of explosive tags.

The basement is dark and musty, In the middle of the room is an altar, with a collection of books on it, on the far side is a door that's ajar with a sign indicating that it's a toilet and out of order and with what appears to be a skeletal arm holding on to an ornate knife.

The vortex was strike one, this is several strikes all at once, If I spot something that even looks vaguely supernatural; I'm legging it. If the guy outside asks any questions, I'll just make something up.

I approach the altar, I notice some ritual knives alongside said books, but one book stands out; a journal.

"This is probably a bad idea" I mutter as I pick it up and examine it, after that I open it and flip through the pages. The book itself is old, several decades old in fact, but the writing is still legible.

I cannot say why but for some reason I feel compelled to find out what's in this book, I should probably start running, but at the same time, it's almost as if this book is making me read it…

I take a seat on a chair nearby, it feels rickety and flimsy.

No, screw that; this is definitely a bad idea, I'm leaving and burying this B-rated horror movie set piece behind me...

My mind begins to drift away

Okay, maybe just one quick read…

* * *

Hours? Minutes? Seconds? Later

Strange alien vistas.

Antediluvian beings sleeping in the dark.

Watching, Waiting.

A warped star, a circle of five.

A pillar of fire amidst an eye.

In the dread pits of the septic tanks.

Wait, what?

The sleeping god stirs.

Arise Pl'umb'ar.

Hold on…

The dark lord of the lavatories.

That can't be right…

That which cannot be unclogged.

That's…Just…Fucking…

* * *

"…Stupid!" I cry out in sheer disbelief at the avalanche of nonsense I that just…

Wait, what was I doing anyway?

Then I notice that I'm holding a Kunai knife in my right hand and a squirming rat in my left.

I yelp as I drop the rat, which quickly scurries off.

"What the hell?" I murmur as I take in my surroundings.

One thing I notice immediately is what appears to be a warped, five pointed star with an eye in the middle drawn on the floor and a single lit candle in the middle of said eye and strange, otherworldly whispers coming from what appears to be the nearby toilet.

"That can't be good" I say to myself as I back away.

As I begin to regain my bearings I notice that some of the books now lie open.

As my attention wanders to the texts I wonder what kind of strange, alien, inhuman, demon-tongue these tomes are written in…

What. The. Hell.

I recognize that language

I dart forward, slam the book shut and stare in slack-jawed disbelief at the title written just above the screaming face on the cover.

The title of this book is; _' The complete and unabridged works of Howard Philips Lovecraft' _

What's more surprising and confusing is that it's written in the English language.

Apparently the English language is some sort of demonic elder-speech in this universe.

This raises so many questions; What the hell is going on here? How did this get here? Did this come from the vortex?

After a full minute or two of staring (and babbling in incoherent panic) at the cover in shock, I regain lucidity and come to a resolution; I'm not waiting around to see this through, I'm leaving and burying this haunted-house attraction behind me.

As the whispers behind the bathroom door grow louder, I shove the book into my bag (it's still a pretty good read, regardless of the fact that eldritch beings apparently exist in this universe) and bolt towards the exit.

As I sprint out of the basement and into the hallway I mash my hands together in a hand seal to set off the charge.

I stumble as a deafening explosion goes off, burying the basement and whatever Lovecraftian shenanigans it may or may not contain.

As I pause to catch my breath, I begin thinking up a lie to tell that noble out there.

* * *

Later

"What in the name of the gods was all that about?" the noble demands as I exit the gate

Okay, I've got to make something up; Right now "well, you see, I had to uhh…" I pause "I mean there was a…" I hesitate, I can't just tell him about the eldritch horrors lurking in the basement lavatories; he either wouldn't believe me or try to unearth it himself (and that never ends well for anyone involved)"

"Well?" he says with a questioning tone

"I had to neutralize a threat to the aristocracy" I blurt out hastily. This is less than ideal but maybe I can work with this.

"Excuse me?" he replies

Well, I've already committed to this; may as well go big or go home "err…yes, a dire, existential threat to the nobility of this land"

He snorts in amusement "and what exactly is this 'threat'?"

I look at him with a solemn expression "Knowledge"

"I fail to see how 'knowledge' could possibly harm us" he says flatly

"Well, here's the rub; if people start 'knowing' things, then they might actually try to think for themselves" I tell him, struggling to remain clam "as opposed to having people like you do the thinking for them"

"And that's bad, how?" he asks me

"Well if they start thinking for themselves" I reply "how long before they start thinking that they have the ability to make their own decisions"

"You've got a point" He says as puts his palm under his chin in contemplation "can't have the rabble thinking they've got the right, let alone the ability to make decisions"

"Oh it gets worse; they might even form" I pause and shudder for dramatic effect "differing opinions"

He tilts his head in disbelief "what?"

"Yeah; individual views, likes, dislikes, agreements, disagreements; you get the idea" I continue "but here's the problem; what happens if a lot of people start having the opinion that they should be led by the most capable, as opposed to those of noble birth?"

"That could be problematic" he mutters audibly "can't we ask them, really politely; to just stop having opinions?"

"Unfortunately for you; that's not going to work" I reply

As he takes a moment to process this, I notice him brighten up "Oh, then we'll just have the guards round up anyone with opinions, hang them; and all is well once more"

"You do realize that there's no way to tell whether or not someone has an opinion on anything short of asking them, right?" I point out "and besides; they could just lie to you"

"That could happen, yes" he nods "maybe if we keep the people nice and ignorant, may need to bring this up at the next meeting…" he trails off as he begins murmuring inaudibly

After about a minute of waiting I speak up "…so, do you still want me to hook the library back up to the grid or…"

"No" he barks out "It's too dangerous; we can't have the people thinking above their station"

Well, at least that thing in the basement isn't' getting out anytime soon. Besides; I'm not paid enough to care about the long term well-being of the land of waves anyhow, that kind of stuff is far above my pay grade.

* * *

One week later

Finally, after a full week of fixing up barely functional antiques or hooking up obsolete equipment to a power grid on the verge of a city-wide brownout, I've finally got one day to slack off.

Today, I just have to make sure that none of the construction equipment on the bridge breaks down for too long; and seeing as how these machines are in relatively good shape, that basically means that I get an off day. Meanwhile Moka is here to provide first aid to the construction workers, so far, it's been quiet.

Right now, Moka and I are sitting in the shade of some scaffolding watching the bridge get built and doing nothing useful.

Sakura meanwhile is having a chat with Tazuna, something about her being the best in their team while Naruto and Sasuke are out training.

"If she's their best; their best won't do" I mutter to Moka, who nods hesitantly

"I heard that" Sakura calls out, annoyed

"It's true, and you know it; we all saw you during that fight with Zabuza" I answer her "you basically just stood around and gawked for about half an hour"

"Says the girl who hid in a bush" she growls, glaring at me

"Last I checked; it was your job to guard the bridge builder, not mine" I reply "If I had any say in this we'd all be back home right now"

"And leave him to that assassin?" she asks pointedly

"Yes" I shoot back "this dramedy between a midget and a cheapskate was none of our business, until he roped us into this"

"You know I can hear you, right?" Tazuna adds in

"Good! I hope heard me" I bark out

He grumbles and returns to his work

I turn towards Sakura "So, you really are the best team 7 has to offer?"

"What's it to you?" she says with a tone of suspicion

"And how did Kakashi come to this conclusion anyhow?" I ask her

"Yeah, I was wondering the same thing actually" Moka chimes in

Sakura smiles with mild pride "because I'm the best at chakra control"

I tilt my head "don't tell me; he made you climb a tree" to be fair; this isn't just foreknowledge, this ability is ubiquitous amongst the combat squads, and I'm still not entirely sure how team 7 went this long without at least knowing about it.

"How did you know?" She asks

"Because that's what practically every genin at your level is capable of" I point out

"It's nothing special, really" Moka adds in

"Well, we just got started on this a couple of days back" Sakura answers "and I just happened to be the best at chakra control…"

"Is that all?" Moka exclaims "that's the barebones basic for the frontline teams, how is it that you three are only just learning about it?"

"I don't know, this wasn't exactly elaborated on in the academy" Sakura answers

I chuckle "Wow, 'woefully unprepared' doesn't' even begin to cover this"

"For once; I agree" Moka nods "how much training did you three get before this?"

Sakura shifts nervously "define 'training'"

I begin snickering as Moka grimaces

"Oh, this is bad" Moka groans

"This is going to end in an absolute shitshow" I say with a laugh

"Hold on, you mean to tell me that I hired a bunch of barely trained recruits?" Tazuna says, cutting in

"You got what you paid for" I shoot back "and let's be honest; you didn't pay much"

He grumbles something about useless hires and turns away.

"Sakura, I'm going to be honest with you" Moka says, changing the subject "That tree climbing exercise is the most basic chakra control exercise there is, it's true that it'll make your chakra usage more efficient, but without any techniques to use it with, it won't actually count for much"

"Where are you going with this?" Sakura asks

"All I'm saying is; that you need to learn some new techniques, jutsus, fighting styles, anything that can help you in a fight" Moka replies

"No point being energy efficient, if said energy is hardly being used at all" I add "at the moment may as well be a delaying tactic given human form"

Sakura scoffs "That's ridiculous, I can hold my own"

"Let's see" I extend a finger "Naruto has his shadow clones" I extend a second finger "Sasuke has that fireball thing" I extend a third finger "and Kakashi may as well be an arsenal contained in a fleshy meat-bag" I finish "compared to those three, what can you do?"

"I can…uhh…" Sakura scratches the back of her head in uncertainty "I provide the last line of defence?"

"So, you're the squad's bullet catcher?" I shoot back

Before Sakura can respond, Moka speaks up "Seriously; what kind of jutsus do you know? Besides the ones from the academy I mean"

Sakura takes a breath to answer, hesitates and falls silent.

"Nothing?" I ask as she scowls at me "thought so"

"Wow" Moka adds shaking her head in disbelief "didn't think they'd deploy a squad this ill prepared"

"Hey, If you two have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them" She snaps, scowling at us

"Have you ever considered learning techniques that rely on fine chakra control and manipulation?" I offer "Like 'genjutsu', medical ninjutsu or something like that"

"That's true" Moka nods in agreement "those type of ninja arts require a great deal of control, and judging from what you've told me; you'd probably do well in the medical corps, we're always glad to have more hands on staff"

"Same goes for any of the support branches, really" I add in "admittedly; you've got a pretty good brain in that cranium of yours and it'd be a shame to see it go to waste"

"I need to think about this for a bit" Sakura mulls this over for a minute "what about the rest of my team?"

"They'll either make do with just two rookies or start looking for a replacement" Moka tells her

"So I'd have to quit team 7?" Sakura asks in response

"Yeah, the admins would have to be mad to send medical personnel without combat training into the fray" Moka shrugs "besides, even if they let you stay in the squad, you wouldn't have time for deployments with them anyway"

"What about those medics that get attached to squads?" Sakura asks

"They've had years of experience with the medical corps and have undergone extensive retraining just to serve in the field again" Moka answers "Furthermore, they're more useful working in the hospital and so are only deployed on a case by case basis"

"So I won't get to be around Sasuke anymore…" Sakura mutters

Moka sighs "Honestly, Sakura; you're wasting your potential just to court someone who barely even acknowledges your worth, let alone your contribution…"

"However minuscule it may be" I interject with a bark of laughter as they glare at me

"As I was saying" Moka grits out "…your contribution to the squad and its efforts"

"You don't know what you're talking about" Sakura insists folding her arms defensively as her tone becomes accusatory "or maybe that's jealousy talking"

"Look, I'm just trying to…ugh" Moka grunts in exasperation "Nevermind, maybe you'll see reason sooner or later"

"I know she will" I say, knowingly

Sakura huffs "can't you just teach me a healing jutsu or something?"

"I could teach you the basics, but even then it's less effective if used without an extensive knowledge of the human anatomy" Moka shrugs as she takes a book and a scroll or two out of her pack

"Something's better than nothing" Sakura mutters as she sits down beside Moka.

* * *

Later that evening

After a relaxing day of slacking off we're back at the inn.

This time however, the innkeeper stops us before we head to our room.

"One of those soldiers came by and told me to give this to the two of you" he says as he hands us an official looking note

The note is from the secretary of that diplomat we heard about a week back.

He wants one of us to meet an army officer at the docks tomorrow and deliver a message to the 'friendly ninja squad' (that must mean team 7) operating in the area. Judging by their use of intermediaries instead of asking for Kakashi directly, it looks like they're trying to send team 7 off on some clandestine, cloak and dagger operation.

* * *

Next day

I grumble as I trudge to the docks. Because it only takes one person to deliver a message, that meant we had a game of rock, paper, scissors to decide who had to get up early to meet that officer.

Obviously; I lost

"So is it true that a regular squad is on a mission nearby?" the officer asks as I arrive at the docks

"Yeah, team 7, under Kakashi" I reply

"Good" he says as he hands me a sealed dossier "Give this to him and make sure no one reads it, especially the locals"

Even if anyone got their hands on it, I sincerely doubt if they would be able to read it anyway

I walk off to Tazuna's house to hand this over to Kakashi.

As I get to the house I notice that the entirety of team 7 is already outside discussing plans for the days; it's more of the usual, Naruto and Sasuke are going to train, Sakura's going to watch over Tazuna while Kakashi's going off to do…something.

"Hey" I call out, holding up the folder "You've got extra orders"

Kakashi nods and takes the folder from me "I'll have a look at it when I've gone somewhere with some privacy"

Then he teleports away in a cloud of smoke, making me recoil a bit in mild shock

"Damn it, I hate it when they do that" I grumble

* * *

 **Author's note:** The Narutoverse was partially inspired by feudal Japan; so I decided it'd be funny to take this to its logical conclusion; a society where the nobility hold an undue level of power (and abuse said power) over the common folk, mainly because they have the loyalty of not only a regular army but also the loyalty of an entire organization of super-soldiers (in this case; ninjas) and any calls for individual rights or liberty may well be met with summary executions.

Also, things probably aren't going to end well for the land of waves (hint; the land of fire will be at fault), but I'm thinking of making that part of a joke and a way to set the tone for this fic.

That's it for this chapter, hope you all like the direction of this fic, if you have any thoughts, suggestions or criticisms I'd love to hear them.

Edit (17/11/17): fixed some errors


	11. The angry mob fails to dissapoint

Disclaimer: Shonen Jump owns the right to the Naruto franchise

* * *

The days eventually fell into a predictable rhythm; get up, get to work, return to the inn, sleep, and repeat.

Today, however, was a bit different; Kakashi left a note saying that he was going to 'oversee' the work Moka and I will be doing at certain times today. This is highly unusual, but not completely unheard of; it's usually a sign that things are going on behind the scenes that are far above my paygrade and that it's also a good idea to simply play along, follow orders and not ask too many questions.

Right now it's almost sundown and I'm standing outside the post office, waiting for Kakashi to show up (considering the relative backwardness of this world; post offices are pretty much the only means of wireless communication, as they house radio and telegraph equipment, telephones and so on), my job here is to give the communications equipment inside a once over and make sure they're in working condition.

I sigh and lean against the wall, I've been here for almost an hour and he's still not here; if it wasn't for the fact that I'm obliged to wait for him, I'd probably be done by now. As I turn my head to look towards the street, I notice him walking down the path, grinning while reading his book.

"Sorry to keep you waiting" he says nonchalantly as he enters the post office "but a water main on my original path burst and I had to take a detour"

The fact that there is a very real possibility that he's telling the truth speaks volumes about this rathole of a city.

I sigh and follow him into the building. The lobby is practically deserted, with only a few scattered security guards sleeping on the job, one of whom is currently dozing off in a chair in front of the stairwell leading to the equipment room.

As we approach, Kakashi reaches out and shakes him awake.

The guard splutters as he comes to "Wha..what do you two want? Can't you see I'm trying to relax here?"

"We're here to make sure the comms equipment is in working order" I say to him

He grunts, shifts his chair to the side a bit and lets us through "Don't see why the nobles care about those new-fangled ray-dee-os so much" he grumbles as we pass by "runners worked just fine for us before"

Apparently this man hasn't heard that near-instantaneous long distance communication is possible nowadays.

A short while later we're at the equipment room; it's cramped, but every inch of the room is packed with (what this world would consider) cutting edge communications equipment; radio transceivers (which would explain the tower on top of the post office), teleprinters and even a rotary dial candlestick telephone.

I cannot help but whistle in amazement "would you look at that" Almost everything in this room came from the land of fire's military's surplus (which I assume were given away in return for concessions)

Now that I think about it; I now realize as to exactly how far I've lowered my expectations for this world that I can honestly be amazed at the existence of something as simple as a telephone that would not be out of place in the 1890s on Earth

"The nobles here had to call in a lot of favours to get all of these" He mutters as he looks around

I take a seat as I put on the headset and test the radio; so far, everything seems to be in order.

"Mind opening these up for me?" Kakashi asks as he gives the radio a rap on the casing

"It seems to work just fine" I reply "why would I…o…ohhhh" I trail off in understanding

He is a ninja; an operative trained for the express purpose of operating deep within hostile lands conducting espionage and/or sabotage as the need entails.

And he is standing in a room full of sensitive communications equipment that, if compromised would effectively cut off all communications (military or otherwise) from the most populous part of an archipelago.

A part which also happens to be the seat of power of said archipelago.

In hindsight, I probably should have realized this from the very get go.

"I understand" I mutter flatly as I reach for a screwdriver

One hour later

As was to be expected, it is far easier to break something than it is to repair it; sever a wire here, remove a capacitor there, do the same to the redundancies and the whole thing just stops working.

"So what's all this about?" I ask as I finish reassembling the casing of the radio transceiver.

"That's classified" Kakashi tells me with a tone of finality

"You'd think your underlings would at least deserve an explanation…" I mutter

"Did I mention that you and Moka will each get a bonus in your paycheques for helping me today?" he asks rhetorically as he begins reading his book again

"Ours not to reason why" I reply

* * *

The next day

The remainder of the previous day passed by without any incident, other than the notable absence of any guard patrols on my way back. (I assume Kakashi and Moka had a hand in that)

Right now I'm sipping my morning coffee, while Moka is finishing up her breakfast, we've got the morning off today, so we're in no rush to head out.

Suddenly the door to the inn slams open and Naruto rushes in, causing me to spit out my coffee in surprise.

"Ayano, Moka, no time to explain" He says loudly "just grab your gear and meet me at Tazuna's house"

"What?" Moka blurts out as 'naruto' disappears in a puff of smoke

That wasn't the real Naruto, that was a clone, and by the sound of things; this is the part where some of Gato's thugs attempt to kidnap Tsunami

"Godsdammit, it just had to happen on the one day we get the morning off" I mutter under my breath as I pour the remainder of my coffee into my vacuum flask and rush to the room to get my kit.

In less in a minute we're off, dashing out of the inn and through the streets, weaving through the foot traffic.

It takes us a few minutes to reach Tazuna's house, by the time we get there Naruto's already tied up the two thugs sent to kidnap Tazuna's family and is now having a nice long laugh with Inari (and I presume they're doing this while the rest of Naruto's team is facing down Zabuza).

"We got your message" Moka barks out as we stop in front of the two of them

"It looks like the situation's been resolved" I say as I look towards the two mercenaries

"He was so cool" Inari gushed as he began recounting Naruto's extraordinarily one-sided fight with the two thugs.

Inari's budding hero worship was interrupted when Naruto sneezed, prompting an offhand line about superstition.

I know where this is going, I unhook my flask and continue drinking the remainder of that coffee. I find it amusing that Naruto's doing this while the rest of Team 7 is fighting for their lives.

This heart to heart between Naruto and Inari eventually grew into discussion about 'heroism' with the occasional bout of crying.

As Naruto begins to run off I stop him "wait, take this with you" I say holding out my grenade bag to him "you might need it"

Naruto smiles as he looks through its contents "How do I use them?" he asks

"Just pull the pin and throw" I answer, "There are instructions written down on the sides of the grenades" after all it pays to make something idiot proof

Naruto nods as he sprints off to join his team, Inari looks at the two of us "well, aren't the two of you goanna follow him?"

"Not our job, kid" I reply as I take another sip of coffee "we've got the morning off and personally; I'm going to try to enjoy it the best I can" furthermore; I have it on good authority that their fight with Zabuza's going to go just fine and I don't want the butterfly effect to ruin that.

"Besides, we've got work later" Moka adds "they've got their own responsibilities, and we've got ours, best not to interfere"

"Well I'm going gather up the townsfolk" Inari replies enthusiastically "If we all band together I'm sure we can take on Gato"

"Good luck with that" I mutter as he runs off towards the city.

* * *

Less than an hour later

The atmosphere in the city seems lighter somehow, an air of excitement and anticipation, it's as if they've shrugged off years of torpor and depression.

Over the past hour, Inari's been going door to door trying to rally the populace by his side, he hasn't noticed it yet, but his words are having an impact; for the first time in a long time, the people here seem to actually care about improving their lot in life. (Albeit by forming an angry mob)

"Did you hear? They're forming a militia" I overhear someone say

"Finally! It's high time we stood up to Gato" someone else replies

"Time to dust off grandpa's old pitchfork" a man nearby mutters

"I'll find some torches" a woman next to him replies

These have got to be the most easily led people in all existence if all it took to break the out of their depression was a ten second rant by a little kid about standing up for themselves.

Furthermore, I'm not entirely sure why they think it'd be a good idea to form a mob here and now; it's true that Gato's supposed to be on the bridge today, but I'm fairly certain these people aren't privy to that piece of information.

At this point I'm starting to see a people walking down the street carrying pitchforks or torches, so it's clear they're probably going to storm the bridge soon.

"We should probably tell Kakashi about this" Moka says as she glances a group of townsfolk sharpening some kitchen knives

"Why? It's Gato they want" I respond "we should just let this run its course"

"Yes, but it'd minimize the risk of an incident if he was forewarned" she says to me

I sigh "okay but…" I trail off and pause mid-step as I overhear a noble outside the post office

"What do you mean we can't contact any other garrisons?" he demands "we just had the radio checked yesterday"

"We just can't milord" a guard says angling his head downwards "we can't get anything to work"

Okay, I should probably not be here right now…

"Dammit, first we spot warships from the land of fire in our waters, then the peasants start getting rowdy" he groans as he rubs his temples "what next?"

Wait, what was that about warships in their waters?

Then another guard runs up to him "My lord, the entirety of the garrison's called in sick and the entire stockpile of gunpowder is ruined"

The noble grits his teeth in frustration "I do not need this right now"

"Milord, the townsfolk are setting fire to the shipping warehouses" a third guard says as he runs up "we haven't the manpower to stop them"

The noble just glares in impotent rage and frustration at the guard.

I turn to Moka "We should probably leave before they put two and two together"

"Agreed" she says nervously as we back away "we should bring this up to Kakashi too, after all; he roped us into this"

I nod as we turn and run towards the inn to grab our stuff, with any luck they'll have finished up with Zabuza by the time we get there.

* * *

Later

Luckily we arrived just as the fight was wrapping up so we're not in any real danger. In fact, we arrived just in time to see Kakashi lay Haku to rest on the ground.

"Well, this is unexpected" Moka states as she surveys the situation before us, deprived of all context, I can only imagine what she's thinking

At this point, Kakashi and Zabuza are just standing there, staring each other down (punctuated with Kakashi warning Naruto to keep away from the inevitable combat zone), something tells me this could take a while.

After a tense few seconds, Sakura breaks the silence, asking if Naruto and Sasuke are alright.

All Naruto can do is turn away in grief, as a look of horrified realization crosses Sakura's features.

"I think I know where this is going" Moka murmurs as she rushes forward to tend to Sasuke, I shrug and follow her, after all; there's safety in numbers.

As she kneels down to inspect Saksuke's body for any vital signs, I hear Zaubuza and Kakashi resume their fight (after politely staring each other down for about a minute).

A short while later Tazuna and Sakura arrive "I…Is he…" Sakura stammers as she kneels and reaches towards Sasuke unsteadily

"It's not looking good" Moka offers as she looks hesitantly at Sasuke "…still though…" I hear her whisper

Sakura, undeterred reaches out and lays a hand on the side of Sasuke's face as she begins talking about how this isn't a trick while Tazuna tells her to express her feelings.

Moka's eyes dart to the various needles on his body and her eyes light up "Hold on, I think he's…"

Sakura cuts her off with her grieving and goes on about how the 'shinobi codes of conduct' dictates that she should never show emotion.

Moka tries again "I know you're all emotional and I hate to interrupt, but…"

Once again she's cut off as sakura breaks down crying while Tazuna lowers his head in contemplation and Naruto clenches his fists in rage

Moka speaks up while waving a hand "uhh, guys; second opinion, he's alive" she says as she points to Sasuke

"What?" Sakura snaps up, tears still flowing freely

"He's alive, just comatose, a fake death kind of thing" Moka pauses and hesitates "or at the very least; I'm fairly certain he's alive, I'm about 60% confident about this"

This does not comfort Sakura "That's not reassuring at all"

"It's be best I can offer at this point" Moka says with a blank expression, which shifts to one of contemplation "Unless you want me to try and resuscitate him"

"That was an option this whole time?" Naruto demands rather loudly, causing Moka to flinch a bit "why didn't you try it sooner?"

"Get to it" Sakura insists

"This will cause some relatively minor injuries" Moka says holding her palms out defensively "are you sure you want me to…"

"DO IT!" Naruto and Sakura shout at her

"Not my fault I've got to follow procedure" she grumbles softly as she takes out some syringes, a CPR mask and a bottle of medicine "keep in mind that there is a chance, a give or take 40% chance, that he really is dead, so…"

The temperature metaphorically drops several degrees Celsius as she is pierced by the combined glares from Naruto and Sakura

"…just thought you should know" she finishes as she injects something into Sasuke's neck and begins carrying out CPR

Suddenly I hear a loud clanging noise and turn to face it. While we were focused on Sasuke, Kakashi's managed to disarm (and taunt) Zabuza.

Before Kaksahi can deliver the coup de gras a voice interrupts them "Well, well, well, what have we here"

Somehow an entire contingent of sinewy, burly, heavily armed and armoured men have managed to make their way onto this portion of the bridge without anyone (ninjas included) noticing, they're being led by a guy wearing one of those samurai helmets and holding a megaphone.

Unlike in canon, they're well-armed, and well-armoured, they're all using the same gear, have matching armour sets and seem disciplined and organized. They actually look more like a private army under the command of Gato (as is befitting for one of the richest men in the world) as opposed to a band of thugs

"So the Demon Swordsman of the Mist Fails once again?" the man in the samurai helmet (probably their captain) says through the megaphone (apparently he's amplified it's volume up to it's maximum) as I flinch at the sheer loudness "Why'd our employer even bother hiring you, I will never know"

"We're standing right here, you don't need the megaphone" I call out as I shake my head to clear the ringing from my ears

He ignores me "Regardless, our employer is deeply disappointed by your continued underperformance and has thusly terminated your contract" the he smirks "we're here to tie up any loose ends"

"So, Gato doesn't even have the gall to face me down in person does he?" Zabuza growls out

"He got his arm broken the last time he met with you and the people here hate his guts, perhaps even enough to lynch him if they had the chance" the mercenary captain says (once again; through the megaphone) "he'd have to be incredibly stupid to come here in person" the he glances towards Kakashi "Stand aside leaf ninjas, we only want the bridge builder and the demon"

Okay, this is not something I saw coming.

I notice Zabuza mumble something to Kakashi who only nods in response, I think they've hashed out a truce, but neither of them budge, meanwhile Sakura seems intent on protecting Tazuna and Naruto seems more resolute than ever.

I glance towards Moka, who's still attempting CPR, however I do notice her glancing nervously towards the mercenaries and I don't blame her; that offer does sound pretty enticing…

"Sir, this is the kid that broke the boss's arm" A man with a spear says as he nudges Haku's corpse with his right foot

"So it is" the captain says, blaring the megaphone right into the face of the man "feels a bit petty, but the boss wanted me to do this" the finishes as he rears his foot back and gives Haku's corpse a sharp kick

Once again the metaphorical temperature drops as everyone (sans Zabuza, who just stands there, frozen in what I assume must be some sort of emotion) looks on in disquieted shock and disgust.

"Well, I've earned my bonus" He blares once again "Okay men, form ranks and let's get this over with" He ends by (finally) clipping the megaphone to his belt

Before they can advance, Naruto flies into a rage and attempts to charge at them (causing them to brace), only to be stopped by Kakashi

He then engages in a moral and philosophical debate (also known as the 'Talk-no-jutsu) with Zabuza (and I swear I can hear something that sounds like a sad and sombre tune being played).

As Haku is brought up in the conversation, a loud cracking sound and a gasp echoes out as Sasuke snaps awake, interrupting Naruto in the middle of his life changing speech.

"Ha, ha, fuck you, Kobayash-sensiei" she whoops as she punches the air in triumph while cussing out her previous master (who must have criticized her work at some point) "turns out I was right about those pressure points all along"

Sasuke whips around franticly "Wha…Where am I? What's going on? Wait, why can't I feel any pain?"

"Sasuke, you're okay" Sakura squeals as she rushes forward to hug him, Naruto attempts to do the same, but he manages to stop himself, Kakashi smiles a bit behind his mask while Tazuna seems to have tears of joy in his eyes.

Moka begins explaining "it's a long story, but you were…" she trails off as she notices everyone looking at them "Oh, are we interrupting something?"

Naruto clears his throat as he picks up where he left off with Zabuza, while the contingent of mercenaries continue to stand there doing absolutely nothing.

"Shouldn't we, you know; kill them now?" One of them asks

"We should, but I want to see where this is going" another replies

"Agreed, this is better than those radio dramas" a third chimes in as he takes out what appears to be a bag of popcorn.

Naruto continues on Haku and how he gave his life for Zabuza, while he just stands there, completely enthralled by Naruto's emotionally charged verbal bombardment.

Sometime afterwards, Naruto finishes with how it was wrong it was that Haku was 'tossed aside' (as the merc finishes his bag of popcorn), at this Zabuka's emotional barriers have utterly collapsed and he's started his own tearful tirade.

"Oh boy, a two parter" the same merc with the popcorn says as he takes out a bag of peanuts

"So, what, we're just going to wait for them to make the first move?" Moka asks rhetorically, looking around for support before sighing in defeat "Okay then"

This continues on for a bit until Zabuza stops at the bit where he admits that he's still human, then he asks Naruto to hand him a knife, looking purposefully towards the captain...

The captain pales as he raises the megaphone to his mouth "Oh shit!" he blares as he motions for his men to part, allowing him to move to the back of their formation

"Hold on" Kakashi says, interrupting Zabuza's suicide attack "If you charge in now, you'll just get killed while Gato gets his way" Kakashi points out "Furthermore the captain's at the back of the battle line there's no guarantee you'll even him"

Zabuza takes a second to analyse the veritable wall of meat and sharp, pointy objects "I'm listening…"

"Stand with us and help us defend Tazuna" Kakashi says "you'll have a better chance of getting to the captain and who knows; if we survive this, you may even have a shot at Gato himself"

Zabuza glares at the aforementioned wall of meat and sharp, pointy objects and takes a moment to size up his chances "Fine…but leave the captain to me"

"Wouldn't have it any other way" Kakashi nods

Suddenly the captain's voice booms out from behind the formation "The offer's still on the table, leaf ninjas, I sincerely suggest you take it"

"No way! We gave our word that we'd protect Tazuna and we intend to keep it" Naruto exclaims as he grips his kunai knife

"You are all grossly outnumbered" The captain booms out once more "It's not worth it, stand asi…"

He is interrupted as a crossbow bolt lands mere feet away from the front of the column of men.

"Haven't you all heard?" Inari asks with a triumphant smile while standing at the head of a "the hero always arrives at the last minute"

Tazuna begins to tear up in sheer unbridled happiness as the realization that the people are (for once) making a stand for themselves

"What's that about being outnumbered?" Naruto taunts as he summons his clones

"I guess I can contribute just a little bit more" Kakashi says as he summons his own clones

Sakura joins them on the battle line with a confident nod, while Sasuke (too injured to continue) stays by Tazuna.

"See here! I am trying to…" The captain rages into his megaphone before he pauses to collect himself "okay, I didn't want to have to do this, I wanted to handle this in a way that allows your village to save face, but you've left me no choice"

Suddenly there is a commotion and shuffling about as something is being passed to the front of the line.

"I know you're not going to take my word for it" the captain booms with an exasperated tone as the guy in front tosses the folder towards Kakashi "so just read this"

Kakashi takes a moment to skim through the folders contents, he doesn't say anyting, nor does the uncovered portions of his face betray any emotion, but the fact that the paper crumples in his grasp speaks volumes.

"Squad" he grits out "Stand down" he sigh in defeat as he dispels his clones

Well that was…not supposed to happen

"What!" Naruto and Sakura cry out

"Kakashi-sensei, w-what's going on? Why are you…" Naruto stammers but is interrupted

"Orders from the top, there's nothing I can do" He says as he fixes his gaze on the folder "anyone from the leaf is being recalled from the land of waves effective immediately"

"Wait, does that include me and Moka?" I ask

Kakashi just nods as he gets up and shuffles off to the side of the bridge, he stops and looks Tazuna in the eye "for what it's worth I'm sorry, I really am". Tazuna just stares silently in betrayal.

Oh well, orders are orders, I begin following Kakashi to the side of the bridge as I look towards Moka who just shrugs and follows.

"No, I refuse to accept that, we can't just let it end like this" Naruto insists as he and his clones adopt a battle stance

Sakura and Sasuke stand their ground and glare in defiance at Kakashi.

"Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, I know this is hard to accept, but please" Kakashi says with what sounds like something akin to desperation in his voice "the village could charge you all with insubordination if you don't"

"Then let them do it, I'm not afraid of them" Naruto challenges as his friends stand (or in the case of Sasuke; lean) by his side

Kakashi pauses, his features inscrutable as he responds "Then as your squad leader I hereby accept full responsibility for your actions today" he says as they brighten up "make me proud"

"Don't mind me, I'm just going to get this out of the way" Moka says as she rushes forward to drag Haku's corpse away to the side

"Might want to use those grenades now" I call out, only for Naruto to sheepishly hold up a torn, tattered and completely empty bag.

Damnit, they're going to dock my pay for those grenades and that bag.

So they stand; three genin fresh out of the academy, a heavily injured but repentant assassin with a knife in his mouth (having lost the use of his arms), a plucky eight year old holding a crossbow, his mother with a frying pan and his slightly tipsy grandfather at the head of a makeshift army armed with pitchforks, torches and assorted farming/construction/fishing equipment, an army making a stand for the pride, freedom and future of their country, though they may be an army of unruly, undisciplined, poorly led, untrained…disorganized…malnourished…underequipped…peasants…

Huh, the more I think about it the less impressed I become at this show of force, somehow I don't think things are going to go the way they did in canon...

* * *

One battle later

It was total chaos, both sides clashing, an oppressed populace raising their fists to tyranny, the underdogs against a seemingly invincible foe, steel on…iron…

Okay, who am I kidding? It was obviously, unquestionably and hilariously one-sided, there was really only one way it could've ended.

Zabuza managed to do some damage, actually breaking the mercenaries' lines for a moment before he was impaled on all sides when they reformed their ranks.

Naruto and Sakura actually racked up a respectable body count but eventually slunk back to our side of the bridge when their injuries simply became too severe for them to handle, Sasuke stood by Tazuna, his injuries too severe for him to fight properly.

As for the militia, they performed about as well as one could possibly hope to expect of an unruly, disorganized mob of malnourished peasants; to say they did extraordinarily poorly would be giving them infinitely more credit than they could collectively hope to get in their combined lifetimes.

They collapsed into near complete anarchy and disarray the second they made contact with the mercenaries' lines, said mercenaries held like a wall of steel, each man supporting his comrades, cutting down anyone who came close.

Eventually, those facing the mercs in the front simply broke and attempted to flee, trampling those who fell down. While those in the very back, were still trying to advance. All the while those in the middle, who could neither retreat nor advance were being crushed death (both figuratively and literally) by the sheer force being applied on both sides.

The mercs ignored the chaos and simply kept hacking away at the mass of bodies before them, exacerbating the aforementioned problem as the panicked peasants redoubled their efforts to flee while their 'allies' in the rear only tried harder to come to the aid of those in the front, with predictable results on those in the middle.

This continued on for a while until the entirety of the militia collapsed into a disorganized rout, fleeing towards the city for their lives (and considering the lack of medical care and squalid conditions of the place; even minor injuries could lead to fatal infections)

Right now, Moka's tending to Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura's wounds while Inari, Tsunami and Tazuna are standing, exhausted with the remnants of the once proud (relatively speaking) militia (the ones that haven't run away) just behind them.

"We, failed?" Inari chokes out, almost in tears "I-It can't end like this"

The rest of the militia is hardly any better; they looked trampled upon before, but they had yet to be truly broken, now they just look crushed.

They thought they could throw off Gato's yoke on their nation, but they had not only failed, they'd failed so spectacularly, that they may've just spawned a cautionary tale to tell their grandchildren, a tale warning of the dangers of rising against oppression, a tale warning their children to know their place and accept the status quo no matter how much it sucks for them.

"Alright men, we've wasted enough time" The captain says through his megaphone "let's get this over with and the first round at the bar's one me"

They cheer as they rush forward to grab Tazuna only to be stopped by a gunshot ringing out.

"Attention, people of the Land of Waves" A voice calls out from the other end of the bridge "we are the 32nd expeditionary force of the Land of Fire" the voice belongs to a man in the garb of an officer from the Land of Fire, his pistol smoking "by order of General Hazama, all civilians are to lay down their arms immediately"

Behind the officer is a very large contingent of soldiers with pikes, polearms and firearms (not sure how they managed to sneak all of that on the bridge without anyone noticing, but I assume they used the same method the mercenaries did).

The mercs drop their weapons in perfect synchronization and move to the sides, as do most of the militia (including Tazuna, Tsunami and Inari), save for the few nobles and guards who came with them.

One of the nobles strides up to the officer "You're not supposed to be here! This is an outrage! An act of war!"

"Be that as it may" The officer says stoically as he reloads his pistol and backs away "By order of his majesty; the Daimyo of the Land of Fire; the Land of Waves and all associated locales are now under the purview of the Land of Fire and considered a sovereign territory of the crown"

"He has no power here" the noble insists as he readies his weapon "Leave, now, before you cause an international incident"

"On the contrary" the officer as he levels his pistol "his majesty is now your monarch as well, and I'd advise you to refer to him as such" as he finishes, the handgunners take to the front row and level their arquebuses at those remaining in the middle.

"We will never bend knee to that fool you call a 'daimyo'" the noble insists as he rounds towards the guards "to me, men, let's throw these mainlander dogs back to their holes"

The guards take one look at him, then turn to look at the guns arrayed against them then promptly throw down their weapons and move to the sides.

"Cowards, the lot of you" he splutters in outrage as he turns to face the officer "I'll take you all on my…"

He's cut off by a loud bang as the officer shoots him in the face.

"Does anyone else see fit to challenge his majesty's claims to this land" the officer asks

After a short pause, one noble steps forward "I've always admired how prosperous and developed the Land of Fire is, your factories and railways are an inspiration to us all"

"Did I mention how I always thought how much better it would've been had we been part of your country" another says

A third chimes in "we should've accepted annexation years ago"

One by one the nobles come forward and proceed to wax poetic about how much they love the land of fire, attempting to curry favour with the new regime.

The commoners from the Land of Waves, meanwhile are looking on in disgust and disbelief at the nobles.

The officer allow this to continue for a few minutes until he finally raises a palm, motioning for them to stop.

"Alright, lords and ladies" he begins "that's enough of that, we still have a territory in need of a government, and his majesty appreciates a local nobility filled with competent administrators…"

At this the nobles give a final round of complements before they hurry back to their offices.

Then he walks up to the captain of the mercenaries "and you all are…?"

The captain attempts to reach for his megaphone but decides against it "I think this will explain everything" he says as he hands the officer a dossier

The officer looks through the documents and nods "Everything seems to be in order" he says as he hold out a palm for a handshake "truth be told; it's refreshing to see loyal patriots take the initiative"

"We're just glad to help, sir" The captain shakes the officer's hand as Naruto tries to stand and speak up only to wince in pain as he agitates his wound

"Say, you all are under Gato Shipping, right?" the officer asks "your employer has agreed to let us commandeer any resources controlled by his company to help us expedite the occupation" he continues "we may need more bodies to help us keep the peace, surely you and you men wouldn't mind if…" he trails off, leaving his implication clear

"Oh, sir, we would be honoured" the captain replies

"In that case, your unit now operates with the full authority and privileges afforded to the armed forces of the land of fire" the officer proclaims as he points towards the city "Go, tell the people we're instituting martial law and a strict curfew of 9pm to 6am, make your country proud"

The mercs snicker menacingly as they march towards the city, honestly; I pity the poor sods who have to live there.

Then the officer walks towards us, looks towards Kakashi and salutes "Operative"

Kakashi returns the salute as best he can "Sergeant"

"Your nation thanks you and your squad for your services, your actions over the past few weeks were pivotal to the smooth execution of this operation" the officer says to Kakashi and team 7

"Wait, what's he talking about?" Naruto asks

Meanwhile Tazuna seems to have overheard and is now shooting venomous glances our way while whispering to his family, while the remaining civilians are listening in and seem to be growing angrier by the minute

"You mean to tell me that these three don't know?" The sergeant sighs "Operative, I understand if you wish to protect their innocence for as long as possible, but you are ninjas first and foremost, this cannot continue"

"I know" Kakashi grunts

"The general wants to see you for a debriefing later" he says as walks away "oh, and I've taken the liberty of ordering the medics to scour this place for the corpse of that hostile ninja in your report, we've make sure his body as well as that of his accomplice" he motions towards Haku's corpse "are well preserved and ready for autopsy"

Naruto tries to say something but is stopped when Kakashi puts a hand on his shoulder.

Then he walks towards Tazuna and his family "and I suppose you're the family who offered the team room and board"

Tazuna, Tsunami and Inari glare at him silently

"The Land of Fire thanks you for your contribution" he says to them with a smile "know that you will be duly compensated and we will offer you protection"

Now Tazuna just looks puzzled "Protection? From what?"

The officer snorts in amusement "Why, your former neighbours of course" he says as he motions towards the remaining militia members (some of whom have begun fashioning a trio nooses) "they seem to blame you for the loss of their nation's sovereignty" he continues "furthermore, I'm told you've had a misunderstanding with Gato at some point and I'm sure he, as an upstanding, model citizen of the Land of Fire, would be more than happy to drop his grievances if you were under our protection"

"Do we have a choice?" Tazuna asks rhetorically

"I doubt that you do" the officer shoots back

Tazuna slumps in defeat "lead the way"

The officer nods as he leads them away, as they pass by, Inari glares team 7 with a mixture of disappointment and betrayal, they shrink backwards at his scorn.

Another officer addresses the men "alright boys, we've orders to secure the city, take the armoury, post office and the guard garrison first, then sweep out from there" he says then he points to a group on the left "you lot secure this area"

The soldiers let out a cry of "Sir, yes sir" as one as they move out.

The other officer then takes a look around "How are we going to spin this to the press?"

Meanwhile, we're just waiting around watching everything play out.

"I was just following orders" Kakashi says, breaking the silence "I don't like them, but as ninja's that just what we do"

Team 7, just looks and nods, then Sakura considers something for a minute "Moka, Ayano, were you two involved?"

"Just once" I reply "all I knew was that it was classified"

"Same here" Moka replies

"Okay, we ought to rest up, we've got a debriefing later" Kakashi says in a tone that brokered no argument.

We just nod

* * *

That evening

General Hazama, was not what I was expecting, mostly because of his handlebar moustache. He's been going on about how we should be honoured that we could help our nation expand her borders, and how we all played our parts for the past fifteen minutes and I doubt if anyone else bar Kakashi and the general's secretary is really paying any attention.

"…Now are there any questions?"

Sakura raises her hand "Yes, my lord; I have one"

"You may proceed" he says with a wave of his hand

"Are we just tools? Milord" She begins "tools to be used and used up like Zabuza and Haku…"

Soon, team 7 are having a heart to heart with each other discussing the nature of shinobi and being used like tools (or something to that effect), Naruto ends by going on thing are messed up about how he's going to carve his own path.

General Hazama, meanwhile looks on without saying a word.

By the time Naruto's finished, team 7 appear to be in higher spirtis (even Kakashi's smiling at this point)

Then the general speaks up "are you quite finished?"

"Yes, my lord" Kakashi answeres

"And they say ninjas are unfeeling, inhuman" he starts "well that is just blatantly false advertising; we were promised cold, calculating, inhuman killers! Not thinking, feeling human beings, especially not ones with opinions, oh no, this simply will not do" he continues "you're all supposed to be tools, noting more, nothing less" he says as he points to team 7 "You three; you're all tools to be" then he points to Kakashi "and you're a tool to make sure all 'tools to be' become proper tools" then he points to Moka "and you're a tool to make sure our other tools stay functional so they can continue being tools" then he points to me "and you're a tool that builds high tech tools for us or our other tools to use" he then begins to trail off "and…er…and…where was I going with this?"

I raise my hand "You were dehumanizing us, my lord"

"Ah, yes, well that's my point, you may think you're human, but you're not and you should not aspire to be human" He finishes, satisfied "so I end with this; stop being human, that's an order" then he turns to his secretary "I think that went well"

"If you say so, milord" the secretary sighs

The he turns towards us again "any other questions?"

I raise my hand "Yes, my Lord; what did we annex the land of waves anyhow? It doesn't seem all that useful a place"

He nods "Resources; it isn't public knowledge yet, but the islands are rich in phosphate, a veritable treasure trove of the stuff"

"What's it good for?" Naruto asks as the general recoils in offence (presumably because Naruto forgot to refer to him as 'my lord' or something to that effect)

"Rude one, you are" the general huffs "but I will be gracious enough to ignore that for now, oh I am just too kind for my own good" he says with a sigh "see; phosphate is good for fertilizer and we've already got companies lining up to secure the mining rights to the islands, in fact I think we've even sold half of them to one particularly large company isn't that right?" he finishes as he turns to his secretary

Okay, so the only thing in the Land of Waves that holds any sort of value is the literal metric tons of petrified bird shit, why am I not surprised?

"Yes, my lord; to 'Gato mining enterprise', a subsidiary of 'Gato shipping'" the secretary replies as he looks through his clipboard

Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura visibly ball their fists at the thought of Gato getting (almost) everything he wanted and more

"Ah, Gato, I know him, charming man, bit on the short side though, believes that the common folk should stop questioning their betters; wise line of thinking, that is" the general muses "he's a citizen in good standing with the crown, I'm sure he'll be the best thing to ever happen to those in the land of… what was it again?"

"Land of waves, milord" the secretary answeres

"oh, all these filthy peasant villages just blend together after a while" the general says with a wave of his hand "after all; what's the difference between 'filthy peasant village #131' and 'filthy peasant village #132'"

"Anything else?" he asks

I let off an awkward cough.

After the silence continues, Kakashi speaks up "No, my lord, thank you for your time, my lord"

"Then you are all dismissed" he says as we leave the tent "oh and remember; stop being human; that's an order"

As we go our separate ways, I cannot help but think about everything that happened today; almost nothing went the way it did in canon, so obviously things went down a different path, a darker than it did in canon.

Damnit, if this turns out to be the darkest timeline, then I really need to start stoking up on fake goatees…

* * *

 **Author's note:** Thanks for reading, if you'd like to offer advice, suggestions, criticism and ways for me to improve, I'd love to hear them, what did you think of the way this went in this chapter? If you have any ideas to share, I'd like to hear them.

That bit about post offices was based off the fact that in the past, post offices were indeed necessary for a community to be linked to the world at large and were oftentimes one the most important buildings in a city

The battle is something of a 'reality ensues' moment; what would happen if an mob of disgruntled peasants went up against a professional mercenary company (or anyone with a basic understanding of battlefield tactics); said peasants get slaughtered, wholesale. This has happened many times throughout history to the point where it's honestly surprising when the peasants actually succeed

The phosphate mining bit was based on the real life case of Nauru, where the accumulated mass of literally millions of years' worth of bird faeces actually formed rich (and profitable) deposits of phosphate (they're depleted now, but it was worth a lot back in the day)

The 'darkest timeline' thing is from 'community'

edit; typo


	12. Glory be to confirmation bias

Disclaimer; Kishimoto owns the rights to the Naruto franchise

Author's note; Sorry this took a while; real life commitments means I have less time for writing.

Someone mentioned in a review about taking themes from George Orwell's 1984, it's interesting, but I have other plans for that (and by that, I mean I'm going to use that for a number of jokes later down the line), I imagine that the authorities in the Narutoverse would love to have that kind of power and control, but I don't think they're capable of that level of surveillance let alone control over language and discourse

* * *

The good news about Sealing techniques is that they make transporting a couple of cooler boxes (that were "borrowed" from a bar back in the Land of Waves") full of ice with a dead body (in bags) stuffed in each of them a breeze; all Kakashi had to do was seal each of them in a scroll and logistics ceased being a problem almost instantaneously.

Furthermore; without anyone else travelling with us, we could move considerably quicker and take less stops, which effectively cut our travel time in half.

Team 7 spent most of the time training, sparring and so on, Moka acted as referee and medic, while I personally spent most of the journey working on the blueprints for my planned "inventions" and reading my new book.

Right now, we're all resting under some trees to wait out the midday heat.

Naruto looks towards the scrolls and then turns to Moka "I've been meaning to ask; what exactly do we need the bodies for?" he begins "are we going to bury them or what?"

"Heh, good one" Moka snorts with mirth until she notices Naruto's withering frown "wait, you're serious?"

Naruto continues frowning at her.

"Oh, you're going to hate this" she mumbles, shaking her head "we're actually going to dissect them and run a full analysis of every single part we can, bodily fluids included" she says hesitantly "then we're going to put the leftover bits into the hospital's freezer"

As Naruto shows visible disgust at this, Moka holds her hands out defensively "hey we've got an intact body of a dead jonin and some kid with a bloodline limit" she reasons "like it or not; these bodies are going to give us a rare glimpse at another village's secrets"

"That's still pretty sick" Naruto snorts

"Don't look at me" Moka shrugs "I don't make these policies, I just follow them"

Naruto looks set to argue but changes his mind and sits down with a huff.

"That reminds me; I know I should've mentioned this back at the bridge but…" Moka continues as she gestures towards Sauske "how long did that 'fake death' last anyway?"

Team 7 mutter amongst themselves until Naruto speaks up "I dunno"

"can't exactly keep track of time when you're literally fighting for your life" Sasuke adds

Moka and I share a glance

I turn towards team 7 "Would I be correct if I assume that at least a quarter of the total time was spent on melodrama?"

They hesitate to look us in the eye

"Apparently 'life or death struggles' include emotionally charged expository segments" I say flatly "Is this going to be a thing with you three?"

"Is there a point to this?" Sakura demands

"Yes" Moka nods as she looks at Sasuke "You're going for a full neurological scan as soon as you get back; doctor's orders"

"what!? Why?" Sasuke exclaims

"He looks fine" Sakura insists

"I'm going to assume that he was 'dead' for more than half an hour, the human brain will be damaged within five minutes" Moka points out "By all accounts; he should be a drooling vegetable; at best, the fact he isn't is either a miracle worthy of the gods themselves or a cause for concern"

The three of them quiet down in sober realization

Moka softens her tone "Okay look, your bodies are accustomed to using and stockpiling chakra so it's noticeably more resilient than the baseline norm; you've probably got a larger window before anything gets damaged"

As she sits back down, I lean towards her and mutter "Even if it did cause brain damage, you know the higher ups are probably going to greenlight him for field duty anyway"

"Wouldn't change a thing" Moka nods in agreement.

* * *

Later that evening

As we walk down the road we notice a couple of oddly dressed people carrying polearms up ahead, they're wearing full armour, have cowls wrapped around their heads, no less than four pistols in various holsters and a set of prayer beads each.

Kakashi looks up from his book in acknowledgement as we close the distance and says "Warrior monks, probably headed to the land of waves"

The lead monk raises his palm in greeting as he pauses to talk to us "Indeed we are, we've gotten numerous reports of demonic cults, haunted libraries, and 'vortices of otherworldly energy' from the garrison stationed there" he says "as such; the celestial temple is sending about a dozen of us to investigate"

"Hope it's not Jashin cultists" the other monk mutters "those crazy eschatologists have a penchant for causing large scale armed insurrections"

Suddenly I feel as though taking that book with me was a bad idea.

"Heh… Let me guess; the firewood business is suddenly going to become very profitable?" I ask rhetorically, with a slight nervous laugh

"What can I say, heretics will be heretics" the lead monk muses "You justly consign one of them to the pyre and two more spring up to take their place, often; it'd be the friends, family, and loved ones of the rightly immolated scum who take their place, funny how that works" he finishes without a hint of irony, or self-awareness

Okay, all I need to do is keep calm and avoid drawing attention to my bag, and I should be fine.

"there's just never enough kindling to go around" the other monk laments

"wait, why do 'heretics' need to be burned anyway?" Naruto wonders, as the monks recoil in offence and shock at the mere concept of _not_ burning the heretics "come to think of it; how can you tell if that person is a heretic or not?"

"Are you suggesting we _tolerate_ their differences in belief?" The lead monk exclaims, approaching Naruto menacingly "that's heretical talk, boy!"

"That kid feels off to me" the other monk mutters "some sort of…unnatural presence about him, better safe than sorry"

Kakashi steps in his path defensively "Need I remind you; the concordant means you have no jurisdiction amongst ninjas"

"True that" the lead monk concedes "why you all choose to deny the gods, I will never know"

Kakashi just mutters something non-committedly

Oh, that's a relief.

"As for your second question" the other monk interjects "we have our own 'enhanced interrogation' methods; tried, tested, and fully documented"

Their euphemism fooled absolutely nobody "So; you torture them until they confess?" Sasuke summarizes in a disturbingly casual tone "We've got something like that too; the T&I division"

Figures I get stuck into one of those universes where inflicting abject suffering on other human beings to obtain information of questionable reliability can be a subject of casual conversation.

"Indeed; thumbscrews, breaking wheels, branding irons, the whole shebang" the lead monk says with inappropriate levels of enthusiasm "it matters not how resolute the accused is; we've never failed to root out the guilty"

"my personal favourite are the branding irons" the other monks chimes in

"Wait, are you saying that you all have a 100% success rate?" Sakura asks with disbelief "Every single person you arrested was guilty all along?"

"We use an ingenious method" the other monk clarifies "If they confess; they're guilty and are executed" he says "if they die without confessing; then they were probably guilty of being heretics anyway and took their lies to the grave"

"Uhh…what?" Sakura blurts, dumbfounded

"They're heretics if they say yes" I say, holding up a palm "and if they say no; then they're _lying_ heretics" putting up another palm

"this one gets it" the other monk says

"What if they're innocent?" Naruto asks

"They will never find anyone innocent" I answer "If they suspect you, you're a heretic and to contest them on their suspicions is heresy" I continue as the other monk nods "It's circular reasoning with a hint of confirmation bias; the only way to be innocent is to avoid their gaze in its entirety"

The lead monk nods "The gods wouldn't lead us to them if they were innocent"

"Alright, we've probably got to get going" Kakashi announces, motioning for us to follow him

"Hold" the other monk says, stopping us "I need to inspect your bag" he says as he points to…

Me?

Shit!

"W-What's the matter?" I stammer

"I sense something off about it; all warrior monks are trained to perceive disturbances in the natural world, you ninjas aren't the only ones who can use chakra" he says as he folds his arms "you wouldn't happen to be carrying any profane texts, would you?"

It's just the compiled works of H.P. lovecraft! How does that upset the cosmic balance anyway? The vortex probably had something to do with it

"hand over your bag" he says reaching out

Okay, new plan; hand over bag, kick him in the groin and run like frak

I gulp as I begin putting my bag down and prep my leg to kick him and run for it.

"There's no need for that" Kakashi interjects "this is an internal matter, and we'll handle it ourselves"

THANK YOU!

The other monk hesitates but eventually slumps in defeat "Fine!" he spits out "but know this; she comes across as one of those 'logical types', you know what the strictures say"

"their well-reasoned arguments and rational discourse will lead you astray from the gods" the lead monk recites, as he turns and continues down the path "so say the writings of the high priests of the world that came before"

We learned about that in history class, apparently the known world has only (relatively) recently begun recovering from a period known as 'the Long Night' that came after a total societal collapse many centuries ago that led to a near total loss of written records and a fair bit of technology, with many of the modern comforts available to us being rediscovered from salvaged technology.

Firearms, however primitive they may be now, are notable for being one of the few actual inventions of the modern age as opposed to being 'reinvented', seeing as how surviving records and archaeological evidence all point to the fact that many battles before, and during the lead up to the onset of 'the long night' all included entire columns of longbow or spear wielding troops with catapults for artillery support

I lean over to Kakashi "Thanks for the save"

"It's kind of routine when dealing with warrior monks" He whispers back "come on, we're burning daylight"

* * *

As we continue down the path, Sakura matches pace with Kakashi "Kakashi-sensei, was it true, what they said?" she asks, "that they could sense stuff we can't? I mean; I sort of figured that book with the screaming face on the cover was bad news, but what about that bit about Naruto?"

"I can neither confirm, nor…" Kakashi recites

"No, I have to be honest with them, Kakashi-sensei" Naruto insists "they're my team mates, I can't keep this a secret"

"Naruto, this is serious, It's admirable that you'd trust them with this" Kakashi counters "but I will be obligated to intervene"

Naruto's gaze hardens as he turns around, takes a breath…

And is immediate stopped as Kakashi restrains him and claps a palm to his mouth.

"sorry, but it's for your own good" Kakashi assures a struggling Naruto

As they handle their proverbial baggage, Moka leans in "You think they're talking about the fact that Naruto's a…"

A shuriken flies by, directly between us.

"Holy shit!" I cry out as we both jump away

Kakashi is glaring at us "What did I just say?"

"I just…I mean….Doesn't seem like it's that big a deal!" Moka replies, shaken from the near miss of the shuriken

"how often do these leaks happen?" Kakashi demands as Naruto squirms in his grip

"Whe…Whenever someone gets high after sneaking some…" Moka pauses as she realizes what she just told Kakashi "Oh…uhh, right, shouldn't've said that last bit"

"can I assume you know about it too?" He asks gazing at me

"We have a makeshift still in the workshop, and drunkenness is a fact of life there" I answer "I had to listen to drunken rambles involving Naruto every time he pranks one of the staff" I continue "leaks are a matter of when, not if"

"Wait, you two aren't bothered by…" Naruto blurts out before Kakashi gags him again

"Doesn't matter to me" Moka shrugs "to be honest, nobody really cares about that; the reason they hate you is because your pranks result in massive piles of paperwork and disrupt our work"

"Same here" I add "but in our case, if anyone acts like a dick to you it's also because that's just the way they treat everyone anyway"

"You do know the fourth's made talking about this tantamount to treason, right?" Kakashi replies "and you know the price of treason"

"What's the big deal?" Moka questions "I mean, it's just the fact that he's the…"

Kakashi gives her a pointed glare

"Err, right, got it; not going to bring it up again" Moka concedes

Kakashi sighs "Even if most of the villagers no longer think it matters, it'll still put Naruto's life at risk" Kakashi clarifies "He'll have black-ops agents from every other village gunning for his head, if anyone finds out, it'll paint a massive bullseye on his back, do you want that?"

Moka shakes her head "No, of course not"

"Hey! We're standing right here" Sakura calls out with Sasuke by her side "we can hear you all talking"

Oh yeah, forgot about that.

Kakashi slumps in defeat "Damnit, no point keeping it quiet now, it'd just ruin the team's cohesion" He releases Naruto "Go on, tell them; but we're keeping this off the record"

Naruto nods and solemnly tells everyone his secret.

And I swear I can hear that sombre tune again.

This could be a while.

* * *

later

"…so there you have it" he finishes "the fifth hokage sealed the demon in me, I'm it's vessel"

Nobody says anything until I cough "Still not that big a deal to me"

"So the knucklehead's got a demon in him, why should I care?" Sasuke says

"He's still the same person regardless of the fact" Sakura agrees "this is kind of a non-issue"

"like I said; not a big deal" Moka seconds

"Thanks guys, means a lot to me" Naruto smiles

There's that sappy music again.

"I hate to break this up" Kakashi tells us "but if any of speak of this; you'll be executed; this isn't a threat, it's a factual statement"

All of us, sans Naruto gulps.

"G-got it" Sakura says holding her palms out in placation

A few days later

"Finally back home" I sigh in relief as I collapse in a chair, letting my bag fall to floor with a heavy thump.

"Hey, sis" Ayame calls out as she continues chopping vegetables "How was your first trip outside the village? Was the Land of Waves nice?"

"It was a hovel that grew to encompass an archipelago" I reply "I'd only return for a fat paycheque and nothing less"

"Here I was thinking some fresh sea air would improve your attitude" she sighs

"I only internalized the salt particulates" I shoot back

"Should've seen that one coming" she mutters "Doing anything else today?"

"Nah, I've got a few days off to rest" I say

"We've got a busy day today" she continues "could use a hand around the shop…"

I get up and stretch a bit "Sure thing"

* * *

Next day

"So have you heard about the chunin exams?" a customer asks

"Yeah, we're hosting it this month, can't wait to start placing bets" his companion replies

Is that so? Well I know exactly whom to bet on.

"Lots of clan heads entering this year" the first one says "the betting's going to be intense"

The more the merrier

I can't help but chuckle. I should feel bad about swindling these suckers; but 'should' does not equate to 'must'; I'd do so, repeatedly without losing a wink of sleep over it.

Then I pause, a memory just stuck me; wasn't the village invaded during the 2nd half of the exam?

Well, I can't exactly tell anyone about this can I?

Maybe it's best to sign up for a long-term assignment? Or maybe suggest that Ayame and dad go try that 'food wagon in the capital' idea they've been talking about?

Either way, it'd probably be a good idea to get as far away from the village as possible before the final round starts.

* * *

One week later

Back at the workshop again, and it's just as cluttered and messy as I remember, work on my project is going well, with multiple barrels ready and waiting, after all; I'm just working off designs I already know about.

Today however, there's an air of excitement; everyone's chattering about some sort of project, I'd ask, but they'd probably just give me some weird, overly cryptic and poetic answer as a joke. (after all; that's what I'd do)

"Great news, everyone" the corps head announces "we just got confirmation; the rumour was spot on, they've discovered a cache of lost technology in the mountains near the western border, and it's massive"

A chorus of cheers and whoops of delight ring out.

I can't help but join in, if this is true; then we're about to drag this world a centimetre or two out of the cesspit.

"The Mechanist's Guild have already begun work analysing the initial finds" he continues "our entire corps is being dispatched next month to examine the more 'exotic' examples of these relics"

The excited chattering continues, if our counterparts in the Guild are already picking through it and calling for our assistance, that means they've probably found something that uses chakra to function.

He paces about in anticipation "Best of all; we've been tasked with reverse engineering or restoring whatever we find"

As the excitement grows he turns to the next page "and at the end of it…A moon landing!?"

Everyone quiets down immediately.

Finally, someone breaks the silence.

"What?" a woman behind me says flatly "On second thoughts; nope" she stands up and walks to the still "not doing this, bring on the booze"

"I'm staying here" a man in the room mutters "rather watch the chunin exams" he grumbles "it'll probably be a flaming mess, but at least it'll be a flaming mess without my name attached to it"

If only you knew how badly it's going to go.

As the shocked and angered crowd continues to stew, the corps head bangs on a piece of metal "All right! Shut up, all of you!" he shouts "The marketing teams were probably looking through old world propaganda and jumped the gun on this…again" he sighs in frustration "The guild and the village have both received a huge amount of funding for this; we can't turn back now"

"How are we even supposed to get to orbital velocity, let alone the moon?" Someone asks

The corps head thinks for a while, then snaps his fingers "I've got it, may have to discuss this with the master of the Mechanist's guild, but he'll probably agree"

"Dare I ask what this failure in the making is?" Tomio-sensei replies

The corps head smiles slyly "we're going to fake a moon landing"

The cryptanalysis division is going to have 'fun' with this.

* * *

 **Author's note;** and that's this chapter done, thanks for reading, I'd love to hear what you all have to say about this, along with any criticism and suggestions for future chapters.

I like to imagine that the Narutoverse underwent something similar to the collapse of the Roman empire or the Bronze age collapse long before the start of the series, so I decided to write it in (it's also a convenient way to explain the technological anachronism)

The warrior monks were based off the 'sohei' from Japanese history mixed with the Witch Hunters from Warhammer Fantasy (may appear later on, with powers not unlike those of ninjas) they're basically zealots with state sanction to mete out summary executions.


	13. Actions have consequences,imagine that

**Disclaimer; all rights to the Naruto franchise is owned by Shonen jump and Masashi Kishimoto.**

Author's note: This chapter was meant to expand on the darker stuff we've seen in the anime, most notably; the fact that human experimentation is alive and well in the Narutoverse, as such this chapter may be relatively serious in comparison with other chapters (still going to inject humour into it, though).

 _Parts written in this style represents a character's internal monologue/conscience/voice in their head. (it depends on what you think would be funnier)._

* * *

"This _might_ actually work" My co-worker says as she cross references an old-world document with her own calculations and notes.

"Yeah, in theory" her partner interjects as he looks over her shoulder "there's no guarantee that the craft would survive the G-force, let alone the air resistance involved in the ascent stage."

She waves his concerns away "we only need these to convince the public, whether or not it actually works in any practical sense is neither here nor there."

I give her work a glance, it appears as though these documents are (accurately) describing the mechanics involved in a linear accelerator, albeit on a massive scale; large enough to fire the upper stage of a space worthy rocket into the upper atmosphere.

As impressive as it is, it's also totally unfeasible.

"Nobody's going to believe this" I tell them "the energy requirements alone could cause a city-wide blackout; and that's if we're being unreasonably optimistic with our calculations"

My co-worker sighs and rolls her eyes "I iterate; it doesn't have to work, it just needs to look convincing enough for the public to go along with it" then she opens up a folder and shows it to me "also, you should probably start taking a look at what we can do with the right seal arrays"

I scoff; how much a difference can these seals possibly make?

My jaw drops as I go over the equations on the folder.

Holy crap.

"How?" I ask in disbelief and awe.

My co-worker smirks "Chakra converts to other forms of energy at an extraordinarily efficient rate" she huffs in amusement "so much so that one can say it outright breaks the laws of physics"

As the surprise wears off, I begin to collect myself "It says here that it needs a living being to supply the flow of chakra, how many people would we need to power this?" I ask as I trace a finger over some figures.

"About a dozen" her partner replies nonchalantly "normal people, mind you, not ninjas or those trained to tap into their chakra reserves."

Of course, this society still condones human experimentation what else was I expecting?

Sure enough; here are the figures representing the 'input', the following numbers all add up.

Then I notice something; after all the calculations are done, the 'input' equals zero.

"So, what happens to the people we drain chakra from?" I ask, dreading the answer.

"Oh boy, here we go" she replies with a hint of frustration in her tone "Look kid, we use political prisoners, convicts, deserters, seditionists, and other dissidents as test subjects, resources, and if need be; ammunition" she tells me with a tone of finality "every other nation does this, we need to do this too or risk falling behind"

Her partner puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder "Just don't think about it too much; you'll sleep better"

"Tell yourself that you're 'just following orders'" she advises me "and that you signed a form that legally obliges you to carry out these orders or be strapped to the machine yourself"

Wait, WHAT?

"It was on the recruitment form" she says, noticing my look of surprise "you should've read the fine print"

I fucking hate fine prints.

"Remember the first time you ran an experiment that drained a set of test subjects like that?" her partner asks her with a jovial tone (that sounds just a little strained)

"How could I forget? It was a bunch of peasants that accused a noble of corruption; they were right of course, but the court sided against them anyway" she says, reminiscing on what I assume must have been her childhood "by the time we finished, I couldn't stop puking for an hour afterwards."

"and you begged the gods to forgive you" he says clapping her on the back "If I recall correctly; you had to be dragged out of the temple"

"and I dreamed of my eternal punishment for almost three months, with demons dragging off my soul as I begged for the same mercy I myself failed to show" she finishes with a smile that gradually fades into a grimace "I-I need a drink." she gets up and briskly walks to the door "Now!"

"Probably wasn't a good idea to dredge up that particular memory" her partner mutters as he gets up "that being said, I need a drink too, need to blur the past a bit" I hear him continue, sounding pained as he leaves "what do ma and pa know? I did it for science, not like I enjoyed it…much" he rambles.

Something tells me that alcohol and spite are coping mechanisms for them.

* * *

Later that evening

I'm back home, helping run the store while dad and Ayame get the ingredients they need for some new dishes they wanted to add to the menu when a dejected looking Moka walks in.

"Ramen, extra-large" Moka calls out as she plops down on a chair, looking as though she's in over her head with something.

"Bad day?" I ask as I prepare her order

"I…" she begins "I fucked up" she sighs

"Wanna talk about it?" I ask

"might as well" she mutters as she begins "I should've read the fine print on that contract"

"Go on" I motion as I scoop up her noodles

"I was told it was a promotion, one that came with a pay rise" she continues, burying her head in her hands "they said I could reach my full potential doing research as opposed to working at the hospital"

"I hear you" I say as I continue work on her order

"Then they told me I'd be transferred to a research team, one that deals with stuff from the old world, turns out it involved biological warfare" she continues "and then I read the research notes; it was like reading a horror novel"

I pause "Then they dropped a bombshell on you"

"I didn't sign up for this" she blurts out in a panic "I didn't sign up to experiment on live humans, it'd be kinder just get it over with and execute them" she continues as though pleading for someone to tell her it'll be okay "you have to understand! If I back out, _I'll_ be the one on the examination table!"

"I wanted to avoid the getting thrown into a squad, but I still wanted to help the village" she says "I should've kept my head down, should've read the fine print"

she shakes her head in worry "my dad told me that the fine print held all the iffy bullshit, should've listened to him"

"Eh, the fine print's a lot like a gigolo; it screws anyone who agrees to it" I shrug as I hand her the bowl

"you're telling me" she says as she begins eating

"If it makes you feel any better; I fell for the same trick" I reply as I lean on a wall "for me, it was a choice between linking a bunch of poor sods to a machine that fatally drains them of their chakra or be hooked up the same machine myself"

"Misery loves company" she replies after slurping down some noodles

"to be fair; this is a ninja village" I shrug "if anything, I'm surprised it took them this long to force us to do something like this"

She sighs sadly "So easy to forget sometimes"

* * *

Next day

I was told to report to one of the training fields to oversee the test firing of something one of the teams put together, as it turns out; a team managed to slap together working prototype of a mass driver.

"You put this together in one night?" I ask, genuinely impressed at the fact that they managed to design and build what is essentially a miniature, chakra enhanced Gauss gun.

"Never underestimate the power of inebriation" My (hungover) co-worker from yesterday slurs out as she holds an ice pack to her head "Now if you excuse me; I have to lie down, your victi…er…I mean 'test subject' should be here any minute, we've already activated the seals so all you need to do is strap them in and flip the switch"

I look over the research notes, it's smudged and messy, as though it was written and amended several times by someone who was very drunk.

Nevertheless; most of it is still legible.

After skimming through it, I let out a sigh of relief; it only drains a small amount of chakra, nowhere near enough to kill anyone.

Can't quite make out what that bit about side effects said, but I'm fairly certain that it said that they were 'manageable'.

That's a relief; I have not mentally prepared myself to commit murder via depraved indifference.

A note attached to the file is a reminder that I either carry out the experiment or take the place of the subject myself.

They just have to hammer that point home, do they?

I sit down on a stool nearby and read the dossier on the subject while waiting for them to arrive.

According to this file, the subject was a butler in the employ of the daimyo but was sentenced to death for the crime of lese majeste after saying something about the daimyo's favourite pair of frilly breeches.

Well sucks for him, but what can I do about it?

At least that's what I tell my conscience; which is currently (metaphorically) nagging at me to do the right thing for once in either of my lifetimes.

* * *

Later

"Are you sure it's safe?" the subject asks as I strap him down to the prototype.

"Full disclosure; it isn't" I tell him as I tighten the restraints "but since it's scaled down, it won't cause any permanent damage"

He looks at me with scepticism

"okay, it probably won't cause any permanent damage" I amend "I'd say it's a 50/50 chance of being relatively harmless"

"and you're okay with this?" he continues

"Not really, I'm being dragged along for this ride too" I answer holding my hands out in a placating gesture "signed a contract; got caught up in the shady stuff they slipped in, you know the deal"

"W-will this hurt?" he asks tentatively

"Can't say for sure" I reply as I load a steel slug in the breach "but to be honest; I'm fairly certain that it will"

He audibly gulps.

"Look, if it were up to me, you'd be blitzed on the most potent cocktail of painkillers and opioids the medics can cook up" I say trying to empathize with him as I adjust the dials on the control panel.

My hand hovers over the big red shiny button.

He looks me straight in the eyes, as though pleading with me, imploring me not to go through with this.

I sigh and roll my eyes "yeah, yeah I know the drill; I'm sorry I have to do this, blah blah blah, I'm sure you're a wonderful person and etcetera, we'll send word to your loved ones if you have any, insert assorted words of comfort here, are you reassured yet?"

He shakes his head, his eyes alive with fear.

"I already said this won't kill you, what more do you want?" I bark out.

"don't do it" he whispers "please"

"Don't you think you're being overly dramatic?" I ask "I mean; it's not going to kill you, just think of it as a stay of execution in return for a minute or two of…err… _discomfort"_

I've always wanted to see a railgun in action maybe even fire one; now I've got my chance.

I mash the button.

The machine hums to life and begins to glow in some places, the gauges and displays on the panel being flashing various numbers.

I jot down the numbers as fast as I can while the machine boots up.

The man begins twitching and grunting in what sounds like pain.

Then another display lights up and begins counting down from 100%.

That must be his chakra reserves (all living things have it after all).

I check the calculations, by now his reserves should be at about 95%.

I check the display; it reads 83%...

Wait.

His grunts turn to moans.

His reserves are now at 76%

They're being depleted too rapidly.

This isn't right.

Should probably abort the test, won't be able to sleep at night if he dies on my watch.

Reserves are at 70%

He begins screaming.

I press the abort button.

The machine continues charging.

I press it again.

Nothing happens

Now they're at 43%

I go through the schematics, frantically pouring over the barely legible script and scrawling as his screams pierce through the air while I try to find a failsafe.

There are none.

The air crackles with electricity and the air smells of ozone as the coils enter the final stage.

There has to be something I can do.

I study the schematics of the wiring.

If any theoretical deities watching, now would be a good time for some intervention…

There! If I sever those wires, the whole system shuts down.

Have to do it right order though, or the whole thing explodes.

Violently.

His screams fade, his reserves are at 29%

I put on the gas mask, if this goes south; at least I'll have some protection.

I kneel down but hesitate, although the control panel isn't connected to the 'power source' and thus any high voltage current or volatile materials I still don't want to be anywhere near the potential blast radius of the prototype.

On the other hand; I am wearing blast resistant clothing…

I've got no excuse at this point.

I nod, steel myself and begin severing the wires with a kunai, they spark as I put them to the blade, the gloves and jacket are insulated against electricity, so I shouldn't have any problems.

He's babbling, that's not a good sign.

I hope he pulls through, I really don't want to deal with manslaughter just yet.

Three wires left.

He's falls silent, but the machine's still charging.

I've still got a chance.

"Come on, Come on" I plead as I saw through the last wire.

Finally, the last wire snaps and sparks.

There's a sound like thunder ringing out from the machine's barrel, the sound barrier had been broken.

An instant later an explosion rings out, a direct hit.

At least we know the prototype works.

I look towards the man, he's still and silent.

He must be comatose.

Slowly, hesitantly, I rise, taking off my mask as I approach the man.

"Better not don't be dead" I murmur as I check his pulse

Shit, can't feel anything.

Not a thing.

Nothing.

"No, no" I breathe, my hands trembling "Oh, gods no"

He's dead.

I back away, my thoughts racing, countless emotions raging through my psyche "But I…The blueprints said…Not my fault"

And I vomit as I fall to my knees

Not my fault…

* * *

 _You were ever so eager to press the button, you did this._

It's not my fault, it's the ones who built this; their calculations were off, they were the ones who killed him, not me.

 _You should've checked the notes, you should've counterchecked their calculations, you should've tested the failsafes; you're responsible for this._

I never wanted this, I thought it'd just give him a jolt, that they'd just drag him away when we were done, I didn't mean for the machine to kill him.

 _He begged for his life you know? And what did you say to him? Was he being overly dramatic? Was this really a 'stay of execution'? You didn't even try to comfort him!_

He was overreacting…

 _Liar._

I thought he was overreacting, I thought this would be another routine job with a twist, I how was I to know this would get him killed.

 _You had a chance to stop it._

And I took that chance, I cut those wires, I almost had it, I tried my best…

 _Liar._

 _You hesitated, you dawdled, even tiniest risk of a minor injury on your part was too great a price in your eyes for this man's life. That moment of hesitation meant his death._

Electricity is no joke, neither is concussive force, I had to ensure…

 _Liar._

 _The currents running from the control panel were too weak to deal any major injuries and you know it, your equipment would have protected you from the blast, you let him die._

I-I didn't…

 _What was his mistake? Speaking out of turn._

 _What is yours? Murder. You should have gone in his place, Murderer._

It wasn't murder, it was a mistake and nothing more.

I didn't kill him. The judges did, the others in the engineering corps did, the machine did.

My hands are clean, my conscience is clear, I did nothing wrong.

I'm not a…

 _Murderer._

I'm not…

 _Murderer._

I…

 _Murderer._

I'm a…

 _Murderer._

I'm sorry.

 _Murderer._

I'm sorry…

 _MURDERER._

Please, I had no choice I'm sorry…

 _MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER. MURDERER…_

* * *

3rd person POV

Aki is walking towards the testing area, her hangover a memory soon to be drowned out with (more) alcohol.

She grumbles as she trudges to retrieve the prototype mass driver, if everything went according to plan; that test fire should be completed, the subject has 'paid his debt to society' and the brat ready to be 'moulded' for future experiments involving live subjects.

Sure enough, there she is, on her knees and muttering inaudibly, the subject motionless in front of her.

All according to routine, she's broken, traumatized and at the moment; very suggestible, best to strike while the iron is hot.

"Well shit" Aki says as she approaches the brat, who flinches, as though woken from a stupor "I take it the experiment didn't go as planned?"

The brat looks at the body, her expression panicked, scared and incredibly guilty.

The same reaction every researcher from the village wore when their first subject 'expired', the same one Aki herself had when she tested her first prototype.

"I never wanted to…" The brat begins to explain herself as Aki places a hand on the subject's neck, pretending to check for a pulse she knows full well isn't there.

Hammer it home, lay on the guilt "And yet you did, face it kid; you killed him, and I assume you did it in cold blood, there's blood on your hands and it's never coming off"

"I tried to save him" The brat blurts out "tried my best"

Not like she could've anyway, the prototype was rigged to speed up the chakra drainage rate if anyone tried to stop it or tried to cut the wires

Failure was the only option.

Best not to let her know that part; let her think she had a chance to save a life but squandered it.

"Did you, did you really?" Aki asks, tinging her voice with accusation.

The brat recoils as though struck.

Time for another blow "Was there begging? These ones usually beg when they get strapped in"

The guilt on the brat's features deepen.

Perfect; not only did the subject plead, the brat probably brushed him off when she thought he was exaggerating, probably snarked about it too.

"Bet you thought it was pathetic, huh?"

The brat's trembling as stares at the subject.

Just a bit more.

"Well, I'll clean this mess up" Aki announces as she readies the prototype for transport "you look like you need a break"

The brat does not respond.

"take the rest of the day off, you've earned it" Aki says as she cracks a smile "oh one more thing; welcome to the club, murderer"

That makes the brat react.

"I had no choice, it was him or me" the brat pleads, clutching Aki's arm "please, you have to believe me, I'd take it back if I could, I'd do anything"

"even if…err, wait…hold on" Aki pauses as she wheels around and pulls out a handbook.

Thankfully the brat's too distraught to think too hard about this.

Aki skims through the manual, looking for the section about dealing with trainees.

"Ah, here it is" she mutters to herself "even at the cost of your own life?" she recites mechanically.

Again, the brat's too traumatized to care about the fact that the person she's talking to is literally reciting a line from a book.

"I…I don't…" the brat struggles.

Aki breathes a sigh of relief; that was close, the good news is that the guilt is crushing the brat, but she's too much of a coward to put her own neck on the line.

"Face it kid; you're a killer, just like the rest of us" Aki replies "Everyone who signed up for this will inevitably end the life of another; it was about high time you faced this fact of our life"

"None of us are good people, that much is certain" Aki continues as she places a hand on the brat's shoulder "You, me, the rest of our corps, anyone who gets involved in research; we're all horrible people"

"What do I tell my family…" the brat mutters

Aki consults the book again "let's see; familial bonds…Ah! here it is"

The book says that a healthy family relationship may cause a trainee to develop empathy for their fellow human beings and is thus considered detrimental to the process of moulding young minds into stoic, unfeeling, apathetic assets.

"…what would Ayame and dad say?" the brat rambles

"Not sure what it's like, for a caring 'insert parental figure here' to have raised a cold-blooded killer" Aki says as she repeats a recommended line from the book.

"Wait, what?" The brat looks up at Aki, puzzled.

Aki curses internally; she shouldn't have read that one aloud.

"Look, kid; the point I'm trying to make here is that your father and sister are good people" Aki says regaining her composure "they wouldn't understand; they might still care for you, but they'll never look at you the same way"

Aki consults the book again "would you really saddle them with your issues, your guilt?"

"wouldn't be fair to them…" the brat mumbles

"But I understand your problems" Aki offers, taking a line from the book "me and the others at the workshop; we've been doing this for years after all"

Establish a rapport and make an attempt to supplant any familial bonds, just as the book advises.

Aki reaches out and gives the brat a comforting pat on the shoulder "You can talk to us, you can trust us, we're here for you"

the brat hesitates "Thank you" she finally breathes out in something resembling relief.

"that's what I like to hear" she says clapping the brat on the back "Now go on home, get some rest and take tomorrow off; you're going to have to learn to live with blood on your hands"

* * *

Ayano's POV

"So how was work today?" Dad asks me as we're seated at the dinner table.

"It was…fine, dad" I mutter "nothing much to talk about"

' _They won't understand…'_

He looks at me, his gaze filled with doubt "Ayano, I raised you, so I know when something's troubling you; if you have any problems, you need to tell me"

' _Not sure what it's like, for a caring 'insert parental figure here' to have raised a cold-blooded killer'_

That was very strange way for her to say it, but she's right, I can't let them know about this, they don't need to deal with this, I shouldn't force him to deal with my screwups.

"it's fine, dad" I reply as I take a drink "everything's fine"

' _Liar.'_

I am aware of that, conscience. Thanks for reminding me.

"Did you kill someone?" Ayame asks as she puts a comforting hand on my shoulder

I choke halfway through said drink.

HOW DID SHE KNOW?

' _MURDERER'._

Not now, conscience!

Ayame notices my expression of surprise and remorse.

"Ayano, we live in a ninja village, everything we earn is blood money or related to it, some of our customers sometimes boast about their most memorable assassination missions and we know how that usually pans out" Ayame points out "We knew from the second you signed up at the academy that something like this would happen sooner or later"

How is she okay with this?

I can't tell them…

Can I?

"I fucked up, I really fucked up" I sigh, placing my head in my hands "I had no choice, I'm sorry…" I ramble

The two of them fall silent.

"You want to talk about it?" Dad asks

' _would you really saddle them with your issues, your guilt?'_

I hesitate.

It's tempting, but I can't just dump my crap on them like this, they don't need this in their lives.

"Not today" I answer "just, please…not today"

"Okay, sis" Ayame says as dad nods "but if you ever need help, we're right here for you"

They shouldn't have to help me.

"Thank you" I say as we return to our meal.

'… _but I understand your problems me and the others at the workshop; we've been doing this for years after all'._

But the others at the workshop understand, they would listen.

Maybe I should trust them…

* * *

 **Author's note;** Well this chapter was probably different from the others, I hope I didn't make it too serious. Thank you for reading; if you have any thoughts, advice or suggestions for future chapters you'd like to share, I'd love to hear them.


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